I will write these words with all that I have, and I will beg for your sake and not mine to be let down time and time again, to fall forty feet and hit the concrete until it's dyed red. I am not a delicate human, I am not someone who can sit still, I will fill my lungs and body with fire and desire, I will **** the good to spite the bad and beg the good to come back,
baby come back.

I don't want to be like the one I hate, I don't want to hurt everything in the way of me, I don't want to be a selfish broken thing, I don't want to be this, but I am scared, and very few care to hear that because I've said it for years, and I know how exhausting it must be to try to heal me.
But I never ******* asked for your attempts.
It's exhausting to see the sun and acknowledge it's presence, how you wish it could make you feel. It's exhausting to feel your chest close off and your lungs collapse for minutes at a time because something isn't going right, it's exhausting to refuse love and induce yourself into a numb coma of emptiness and lies and black voids for words. Everything I say means nothing, for I am empty, I am empty until I get stung. I get stung and I am scared.
I am scared to feel, I am scared to love.
I am so ******* scared to love anyone.
I am scared to be left.
I am just scared.
I am so scared and it is nauseating.

I **** up,
I make mistakes,
I am unreeling and I am learning
and I am young
and I am exploding
and trying and wanting
and I am also so haunted.
I don't know how to fight off my demons unless it evolves unspeakable things, but I sure as hell know how to summon them too constantly, I sure as hell know how to play with them and make them love me, I know how to manipulate them to where they don't want to leave.
I'm scared they never will.

I don't want to be saved,
I want to drown, I want to fall, I want to escape.
I want to be resurrected by your hate.
I want to be love in a really ugly place.
I don't need this. I never did.
I am sorry for being this way but love,

I'm not sorry for being me.

I would trade my future for one last minute with you,
Cut into my memories and give the best slice to you,
Dance in the street wearing only my flaws for you,
Buy the finest brushes to paint my thoughts for you.

imissyouandiloveyouandineedyou

But life isn't fair, and my ****** job can only buy so many plane rides a year to see you.
And all of the love in the world from me can't generate love from you.
If I wrapped up the galaxy in a fancy box with a bow, it wouldn't mean a thing to you.
I could hide myself in my broken pieces, but I would have to send a map to you.

imissyouandiloveyouandineedyou

And in that moment
As it hits my side,
I realize
It's always been there

My knees creak when I stand
And it leaves me wondering
Is my sad body too heavy?
Or is it that my knees
Are tired of carrying
The weight of the world
Tired of carrying
Everything so much
That a rest
Is all it

Kneeds

I thought
that my light
stopped you from wanting to bleed
But maybe
all along
I was scorching your mind with the heat
I thought
that by now
I could fix all the pieces I broke
But maybe
hearts don't fix
And the shards are now slitting your throat

And you know what's funny?

After men in shining armor blew past me
leaving nothing but a lesson to be learned
you'd think my selfish eyes would perhaps see
that my light does not shine
it burns

May you never be the cause of your pain

Hey little red
Just relax and rest your head
I know i haven't been around,
But I'm still here to keep you out the ground
I won't leave so easy this time
If i did it would be a crime
I know now that it was a mistake
The people that i chose to trust were just fake
Please come back to me
I still love you can't you see?

I know it might be too late
Maybe I waited too long
I finally get now that what i did was wrong

I'm starting to feel less and less
oh your sad? I couldn't care less
I know I should be worried
No one else nor I care though

I'm falling out of love
less and less I love you each day
Eventually I will just disappear
I wonder if you will care then
..only the future can tell...