I never knew his last name
But I still remember his face
I still remember
The way he grabbed my neck
And pushed me down
Because he loved me
He got off
And I got scared
Because he loved me
And I was desperate
In his ****** apartment
On the tan colored L-shaped couch
While Nickelodeon played in the background
Covering up the sound of my painful moans
"I'm tired"
I say
"I've never done this before"
I say
"I haven't shaved in a while"
"I don't feel ****"
"I just got off work"
But I'll do it if I love him,
He says
He'll even wear a ******,
He says

I can't muster up the courage to cry
Even though you're supposed to cry when it hurts
He doesn't look at me when he's done
Just tells me to go
He loves me
But doesn't want me around
In case his roommates come home
That would be kind of awkward
To catch someone in the middle of ****** a girl
A girl who's tired
Who's never done this before
Who hasn't shaved in a while
Who doesn't feel ****
Who just got off work
Yeah, that would be kind of awkward

I was the fire you lit at night when the cold reached your lips.

The crackle of a fire was the sound of my voice when I told you I loved you.

And the heat was the comfort you gave me, until you told me you liked water better.

i expected you to come. but i didn’t expect to care. i thought the past was, well, the past. but seeing you, was just a whole other story. it felt like i was relapsing. what i thought i had left behind of you, came flooding right back into the conscious sector of my brain. i looked at you for a brief moment and then immediately looked away. i didn’t want you to know, but somehow i got the feeling you already did. seeing you once again made me realize that you were exactly what i craved, the unknown lust in the back of my brain. you were what i wanted, more so what i needed. i looked away as soon as your eyes drifted to mine, but even then you never stopped looking. i tried to stare the other direction, to engage in conversation with my friends, but somehow my eyes always drifted back to yours. i never wanted to look away. and every time our eyes met, it felt like the moment would never end. and i never wanted it to. as i stared into your eyes, i felt a longing, a sorrow, a hatred, and empathy. memories come flooding back, one by one, many good, many awful. all i wanted in that moment was you. but somewhere i knew that i could never have you. my brain tried to make a logical/realistic way that we could maybe work this out and that all would end on a good note, but nothing was coming to me. and then i wondered, how many times must a scab be picked in order for it to scar? because it seemed like no matter how times i picked that scab, disregarding all of the pain and tears, it never seemed to scar. i thought that maybe that meant that one day we could be happy. i should know by now thought that destiny would never let that happen. so hours went by of our eyes meeting and then we would both turn away, almost afraid of what would happen if we were to continue. there were moments aswell where i could see you out of my perifial vision, staring at me with a sense of longing. us being in the same room felt nostalgic. i hated that i still felt this way, that i still love you, even though you have broke me time and time again. tonight we spoke no words to each other, but our eyes spoke sentences. my heart hurts at the fact that this is the way i have to live. in longing. waiting for a love i was denied, many times. cheers my love. **

I stare at you

                      and there's something


but                      nothing

and i love
you
don't worry

i love you so dearly
but you are dying me blue
from the tips of my toes
to the tears you make me cry
i know you’re too clueless to understand the emotions of a hopeless romantic like me
but i hope you can understand one day
that i am doing this because i love you too much.
for so long i never understood why people left the ones they loved
“Why do such a silly thing to yourself?” I would ask the stars accompanying venus
but now i understand that the silly thing would be to stay
because as much as i love you
i need to love me too.
so for now i’ll sail my ship far away
and maybe one day you’ll grow up as i did
and love me as a love you.
and it pains me to say this
this pain is like no other
i would rather take a bullet straight through my head
but we all have to make sacrifices
and so now i will take a bullet straight through my heart
goodbye.
~ you know who you are. i love you too much to stay. i hope you can forgive me but for now let me forgive myself.~