I am not
The better of two evils
If you ever see me that way
Then I will be the worst evil
Just for you

I wonder if the answer is in the formulas and theorems that the world has held since the beginning of time
If the limit approaches Gods thrown on high
The limit does not exist for His love of man kind

And I've wondered how deep the oceans are,
does it have any correlation to the peace in Your heart?
Divers found coral 10,000 years old,
That's only a fraction of the value for the love you have for me, I'm told

And speaking of value, if I could continue,
Thank you for her kindness
And my mothers strength
And my brothers keen mind
I've wondered what it's like to clay and craft
And how You could create so much beauty
In each and every person, from first to last,

They say you're the first and the last,
And God I never stopped wondering,
How you knew the moment that I would choose to be my last,
And why you chose to save my life when you knew I had no interest in making you my master
And why the years have gotten better but now time only goes faster and faster

When the sparkle and gleam fades from my eyes
Because my neurons don't fire quite right
And my burdens have taken their toll,
Remember I wouldn't walk so heavy if my head wasn't a fight
And my father left a permanent scar on my heart
I know he didn't mean it but he tore our family apart
God, did you know this would all happen from the very start?
My favorite lines for 8 years have been What can I do? How can I help?
But now it's just, How do I play this part?

Love me gentle love me kind
Love me love me make me remember
Love me love me make me pure of mind

My psychiatrist told me when I was 11 years old  my serotonin levels were too low
Okay, I understand my neurons don't fire quite right
I'll take my medicine. I know, I'll be alright,
But then doctor why am I kept up at night?
Why do I explode and turn everything into a fight?
Why can't I see clearly or do what is right?
Will you help me to see
Help me to be me
My strength doesn't run endlessly
Oh God, help me to be

This is not mine!
THIS IS NOT MINE!
THIS IS NOT MY HOME!

your diamond ***
intense compaction and heat
clear like hash gum
red as a cherry until it pops bittersweet
the end is enough
but victory feels naught
years of blood I cough
and hate is what i'm taught.

Away from sane
Pleasures of pain
Try and keep the loose locks chained
Realities plane
From what we gain
Oh life is tamed
From heart to brain
Your name is bane
Now I’m the same
These maggots of shame
Express my frame
The life of death is but a game

The fowls in your lies
They **** out my eyes
Streaking fire harmonize
Along the lines of mental suicide
now lost in higher skies
Known like when a ghost dies
Inegligible melting wax
With a sea of philosophical facts
Tearing your nails for satisfaction
incomprehensible refractions
why try to grasp such fractions
to only destroy your foundation?
like narcotics and communication
or the vane abyss of dead relaxation

Sharp pain side splitting,
harsh words hard hitting.
Sleepless nights, endless fights.
Try as I might the pain remains inside...

Unidentified, but never left,
uncomfortability felt with each breath.
Unbearable days and unimaginable nights,
Take the pain away and turn off the lights.

Heavy breath, wheezing tight chest,
freezing and cold sweats,
feeling so close to death,
Paracetamol,
paranoid to eat them all.

My grandma committed suicide
When I was six
I'm sure it was my fault
Was I not good enough?
Did I not meet your standards?

What did I do wrong?

My best friend
For seven years
Left me last year
For an unknown reason
Was I not kind enough?
Was I just too weird?

What did I do wrong?

Someone said I am stupid
Lazy
And dumb
Am I really?
Am I mentally ill,
Do you think?

What did I do wrong?

I don't know what I did
But it must have been me
It's always me

*What did I do wrong?

slowly
slowly
ill wait for you
you cant process
very fast
but your speed will do
for i love you
and though your sick
coughing and
sputtering
your still moving along

i love you
remember that
for when your feeling blue,
it can really show,
just take a breath
or two
or maybe just
a few
few
a few
more

the things
that block me from your eyes
its alright love!
i can see through them quite fine
dont worry
or try to change a thing
for i love you just the way
you are

your viruses and such
you think they just wont do
but , you see my love,
you have programs
that will have to do
their job to fix you
back to the way you were
but for now
ill love you
forever and more

your missing a few things
and some keys are broken
your mousepad just cant seem
to recognize that im trying to move
from one side to the other
but thats fine
not everyone can beat the fancy ones my love
for im typing this out to you
i love you
only you
i love you
just the way you are

KD2015 (c)

Do you even bother
To look for the signs?

I play my music louder
These days
I don't listen
For joy
But to drown
The world out

I'm never without long sleeves
These days
I don't wear them
For warmth
But to protect
My secrets

I feel ill more often
These days
I don't feel sick
Because of a physical illness
But a
Mental one

There are thousands of signs
That I am dying
Yet you never notice
Do you even bother to look?

You sat me down
I was so young
the look in your eyes
flickered with pain
searching for the words
to describe the disease
to your little girl
shes unable to understand
the seriousness
the pain

I visit you in the hospital
I receive the good news
the contrast
between the good and bad
was immune to me
I didn't know what the disease
was capable of
it was capable of changing my life
forever

I curled up next to you that night
I dozed off on the hospital bed
blessed to have my Father.