My head is spinning again and spiralling out of control
I've already lost my sanity what else could I possibly lose
It began with small subtle things and then it progressed
First just what I thought was true friendship
Then playful humor
Non serious flirting
Then it happened
I was on the bus normal day then you said that you were about to do something stupid
You were right.
I wish it had never happened
You kissed me.
Then I did something even more stupid and kissed you back
I really wish that it had never happened.
Now in the hallways you won't even look at me
And now I'm almost at the edge falling when...
I realized that I'm okay
That I didn't need you
That I have my own friends

We stand in a crowded hallway.
But it feels empty.
It’s just the two of us.
Staring blankly into each other’s eyes.

Wondering whether or not to say “HI”.
Or to walk away and stay as the strangers we now were.
We stare into each other’s eyes debating whether or not, to hold the door.

Wondering if it was worth starting a conversation.
Knowing we wouldn't work anyway.

We were friends at some point.
Then something more.
Now were merely strangers.

We tore apart before we really ever were together.
We left each other waiting for the other to make the next move.
We left each other open and vulnerable.

You shut down.
And shut me out.
You packed up
Left town.

You left and I stood waiting.  
I awaited a hopeless tomorrow.  

You eventually came back.
Apologizing, saying you don’t know how to say goodbye.
And I left saying, “I don’t know how to say goodbye either”.  

Here we are today.
Nothing but strangers.
Passing each other in the crowded high school hallway.  
With nothing but blank stares.

I have always struggled in all grades of school    
Teachers always thought of me as the angry fool    
    
I love to read, I love to draw and I love to write,    
But no one won when they got me to actually fight    
    
So very lonely, I dreaded going to school everyday    
There was no one to stop that in a loving way    
    
No one understood my issues that had yet to be reveled    
I had yet to learn that what was broken could be healed    
    
No one cared to know what was the matter with the freak    
That knowledge was not for the average person so weak    
    
I grew stronger mentally each day, my mentality growing hard    
I didn't know that in the future I would be given a lucky card    
    
A card called Lincoln, the home of the Phoenix    
People don't always go willing there, and few actually picks    
    
Almost in the center of a town I didn't really know    
There is a school like no other school in the USA, you'll wish you could go    
    
Once you hear how the teachers actually help you    
How the food is kinda good most days and people actually care, it's true    
    
I didn't believe it at first, no, not at all    
I didn't talk to anyone; I hid in a dark hall    
    
Then I met a boy in Physical Education, P.E. who called me Gypsy, thanks to my skirts    
He introduced me to the rest of his friends and they eased life's hurts    
    
My school saved my life; they helped me so very much    
My school may be called Lincoln but it has a mothers loving touch    
    
And when I was homeless they helped me find a place to stay,    
They made sure I was safe and secure each and every day    
    
They helped me overcome my issues with math and taught me more    
About poetry and rather than any door I could have opened I opened Lincolns Door    
    
They taught me that I shouldn't be afraid to learn and no one would hurt me    
If I got things wrong, with praise and love I flourished and it is clear to see    
    
I will always be a part of Lincoln and Lincoln a part of me, for only the lucky go to Lincoln, the place only the few picks    
That with college coming up Lincoln the home of the Phoenix  
  
That High School will always have a part of my heart

You struggled to make friends the first day of high school.
You lied about your interests, and changed your style
Just to be in a group
Who got drunk every Friday, and high every Saturday.
Who screamed, “**** *******, get money,” at the top of their lungs
Like it was their teenage religion, and they were the preachers.
From being homeschooled, to participating in that cross-faded crowd,
It was a big leap for you merely to say the phrase, the prayer,
Much less act upon it, pushing yourself over your limits, once again.
It is your senior year now, and the cliff into chivalry
Is one you could not even consider jumping off anymore.
Your mom drug tests you once a month, shame on her face.
And you have too many petty offences to make anyone outside your group proud.
Sports were too cool for your group; you have to be sober to play, apparently.
And if you had anything higher than a C in a class, you were kicked out.
To “go with the nerd groups” and be the topic of next Friday’s teases.
Now everybody hates you, the kid who was so quiet on the first day
Who is on a path to nowhere, with, “**** *******, get money,” as your only prayer.

the mornings are dark and you get into your car asleep. mist on the windshield and mist in your eyes. the night is not over and you are not yet grown. the grass is frozen in your headlights and you park your car asleep.

- clocks bigger than your face loom on the walls. they are all two minutes fast and they are faces too, somehow. (except the one down in the back gym. he is an eye and he strikes six every hour.)

- the thunder of footsteps. the thunder of bodies and voices and wind through open doors. you can feel them in your bones but when you open your eyes you are alone and the halls are dark. water rushes from the classrooms and you swim.

- your teacher says that god has brown eyes. when the lecture ends she bares her teeth. (you could swear they're pointed but you've never seen her up close.) her eyes are grey, like yours, she says. so you don't worry.

- in the art room your teacher draws circles on the whiteboard. one inside the other - ringlets, a bullseye. a girl in the back of the class has wild eyes and green hair. she smiles like she knows something and you drop your gaze.

- pencils break in your fists. the halls are a river and you don't know where it's going. your body is a raft so you close your eyes and you don't know where you are.

- you touch hands with the girl from art class. she smiles like she knows something and you shudder. she feels warm inside, like a song, like a comet. you take her hand and hope.

- you sit in the back of the class and the windows shudder but they hold. your teacher says that god walks on all fours and you grimace. books close around you as she lowers herself to the ground.

- your car is asleep and you are dead on your feet. your teacher is gone the next day and the substitute tells you beauty is in the eye of the beholder. you nod your head and you don't know where you are.

She doesn't know what to do anymore.
Her heart pounds around her until it feels like a stampede -
About to be trampled.
Help her. Help her.
She falls asleep every night after her anxiety fights its way through her medication -
And beats her until she bleeds.
But sleep is no rescue -
Because the devils in her dreams.
Demons, dying, monsters, heartbreak, torture, humiliation -
She can't escape the hell that invades sleep - and is still waiting for her when she wakes up.
An animal - poised to rip out her throat.
She wakes up already in the middle of a panic attack - praying only drowns her thoughts in thinking.
And every second of every moment of every day that she's stuck in her various prisons -
Drags on and digs into her like nails until she wishes she could just find the blood, find the wound -
So she could mend it.
No one else seems to be bothered like she is - no one else understands what it's like to live in panic.
Almost done with her 11th year but there's still always another. Another. Another.
Doesn't want to let her meds take over - because the second she falls asleep -
She'll have to wake up.
And waking up is the worst part.

With sight, became the most intense touch
By my vision, my emotions crash

Will your picture in my brain always be colored
Prolly by this ambition and surreal thoughts

Closer and closer, It felt warmer
Your cool air was only yours, Mine was different

Time went by, oh how you've noticed
Finally, we touched and not stuck by vision

I whispered,
"May our names replace romeo and juliet's
Faithfuly here and Truly deep"

We cross paths and I want to scream
At the thought of not saying hello
It isn't just a simple kind of romance
When society has their opinions equipped
Why does wanting you feel so wrong,
But loving you feel so right?

I can see us together in my dreams,
With my arm around you as we sleep
And we embrace our warmth beneath the sheets
That will be when I know that
I've felt your warm beating heart.

Maybe one day I can call you mine
Or say that you got away
But I know better than anyone
That you either stay forever
Or break off, only to wonder,
*Were they truly the one?

Prom:* the fabled dance that
every student looks forward to
at the end of their senior year
and looks back to every year.
I remember my prom,
the one I didn’t go to*
instead, I went out with
the girl that I fell for
and her younger brother
to the silver screen.
It wasn’t magical
but it was something
that I’ve remembered to this day.

© Matthew Harlovic