Anxiety and hapiness
but like
mixed together

we once watched a movie together
where the protagonist obsessed over the social constructs of beauty.

she'd chant relentlessly
i'm happy when i'm beautiful
i'm happy
when i'm beautiful
i'm
happy
i'm
beautiful - -

or was it the other way around?

i'm beautiful when i'm happy

whatever it was, i just wanna say
i miss being beautiful with you.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 13, the only true sentence i ever wrote.
I don't think you're the reason.
These lies made me feel just as bad as I said.
No, I don't do drugs,
No, I don't love you.
Yes, I need help.
No, I don't want help.
Yes, I want to be the one to speak her name as mine.
Yes, I know that that will never happen.
No, I don't know what is happening to me,
Neither do I know If I want to continue my life,

This is the end,

...

I never knew such things existed.
"Love at first sight."
And I'm still not completely convinced.
You're all I've been thinking about the last few days though.
I'm so ******* confused.
Don't even know what I'm feeling.
People would call it 'Love at first sight'
It has all the symptoms though.
Or whatever you want to call it.
But again, I'm still not entirely sure.
I don't feel anything at the moment itself.
But when we both turn around,
And walk in the opposite direction.
I can scream from hapiness.
Because it's not love.
But what is it?

I wish for him to smile
     so those handsome wrinkles will grace his face
     so his eyes would shine again - not bruised by pain
     so his lips would curve in that nice way
     so I know he's happy - at least for a second, please!

Cause every pain he feels - is my own disease...

As a kid, I felt lost
Unsure of the whys of my life
Unsure of my journey
I was a salmon swimming against the currents
Trying to fight life with the strength I was given
This was my flow
until I reached stillness and happiness
I was now a young adult floating in peace
Far from where I started
I felt accomplished

The quiet lake became an ocean before I could even glance at the wonder
Unfamiliar and vast
I found myself lost once again
Breaking through the waves of life
Unsure of the whys
But believing in the journey

Until one day, the deep urge to go home
To that stream where the currents were strong and familiar
For the first time in my life
I stopped swimming,
I had to go back to the mud
where my roots remained untouched

Now here I am
In nature’s water
I understand that home is not a place
Home is the current that leads me
I now swim with the tide not against it.
I stopped asking why
And started looking up
Where I can enjoy the sky
Basking in the beauty of this moment
I am trusting my path
Exploring moments without destinations

Jl 2018

You're an almond joy
A smooth stone in soft flesh
A blank stone sparrow
In crooked wire mesh

You looked over your shoulder
And ignored their descriptive hairs
Dancing with compliance
Giving never selling wares

What unbroken ****** skin
Around your eyes, thy
Eyebrows never meeting, stretching
Happy faces to the sky

I hoped richer feelings
Might comply to your dream, yet
It was laid on shallow and
Cracked and poorly set

Still despite your fret dancing
Your shakes and swoons so full
Graceful, hopeful, ruby bright
Fell dirtied, scratched by gravity's pull

Despite your new company,
Jackal grins that never start
Hope, not one can rival
The sweetness of a young heart.

Inheriting independence
Intruding boundaries
You let your actions stem
from insecurity and jealousy
You want to protect me
But now I feel,
I need protection from you.

You’re taking my life and air;
Choking
Caging  
Suffocating
And Stifling me.

Love me
Don’t own me.
Protect me,
But don’t bound me.

You’re being possessive
That it turns out obsessive
And sometimes situations get aggressive.

Fire burns in your love
But your intentions become impure.
In becoming possessive
You became invasive.

You try to move my blood to your accord.
Try to be the nerve to my muscle.
But you’re blinding my eyes with tears
And leaving myself internally screaming.
It is like a curse that brings problems without a cause.

I want to b r e a t h e  
I want to s c r e a m  
I want to f l e e  

I wonder,
Where did all the happiness go?
Because I just find myself lamenting
over the days that pass by.

- Beautiful Sensitive Soul