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Desire 1d
When I was a lost, broken teen and kicked out at 15, needing not just a roof over my head, but internal restoration, a "godly" man helped me. When I witnessed domestic violence and had no sense of manhood, it was godly men who mentored me. When I went to the military with no sense of direction, godly people helped discipline and guide me.

When I was away from friends and family for 10 months, 10 months, and 13 months, "godly" families took me in. When I needed things most and failed to receive them from those responsible for my life, it was those in/of the faith who held me down.

Everything else in life I got my own, through the faith God's given me, and with the investment from, and love shown, by these godly people: my drivers license, my first car, living on my own, filing taxes, savings/budgeting, college, setting goals and achieving them, prioritizing and fulfilling responsibilities, marriage, family, and more essential life-related factors...

NO ONE IN MY LIFE HAS DONE MORE FOR ME THAN GOD THROUGH HIS PEOPLE.

And ever since I've been back "home," away from my military family, disciple-making ministry, and Church Family, its never been more clear how many people claim are there for you but really aren't.

As an adult, there comes a time where you become responsible for your own life in terms of decision-making and finances. I get that. I don't expect a constant investment from everyone and help all the time. But there are people who "should have" been there for me from my teenage to adult life, and weren't.

And I forgive you. I love you. I grew through it all. It took a bad upbringing and a broken home to get me to encounter "holiness" and become a better me. But don't think because Im back home that you did anything to contribute. As mature adults, the reality is you didnt. You dont get credit for the small levels of growth, success, or achievement in my life. In fact, you did the opposite. You did nothing. You failed. And thats ok. I still love you. But credit and glory be to God. Thats the reality of my life.

I am where I am today because God got me this far! Thank You!

Why do I believe in God? Cause when I was hungry and had no food, a plate was somehow prepared. When I was lost and felt alone, somehow the right people showed up. When my family was broke and pockets where empty, somehow our needs were provided. When I was across the country and overseas, other people experienced the same grace and knew the same name - Jesus.

When I doubted, he still believed in me. When I was low, his word lifted me up. When I was lost, his word and his people guided me. When I was broken, he made me whole again and again and again... It was faith that got through my teenage and young adult life. Its faith that keeps me moving forward. Faith did that. God did that. No one or nothing else... all God.

03 Feb 2019
Testimony
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03 Feb 19
the devil likes to aim for my shins,
knowing if he takes out my legs
I might stop trying to walk.
by now there must be many bruises
from every time he has near
succeeded.
but I am still standing.
(God is still holding me up.)
my steps may be wobbly and slow,
but they are still steps.

I have found the strongest shin guards
and duct-taped them to my legs.
They are a sort of armor
for this fight.
written August 24, 2018.
surely
You are found in the sound
of raindrops dripping
sprinkling, storming,
coming down in sheets.
Send me a love so grand
I can't seem to believe love is within me
No palms to hold
No grip to be seen
Not another friend
Someone pull me upright
Hold me strong
Narrate love songs of how all is gonna be good
Know my intentions
How I mean well
Instead let's fight about ****** games
Not who I am + what I do
Cause I feel like a fool
I can't get why friends just never stay
Forever reciting the blues
Cause God I feel so misunderstood
So I'm asking you
Hopping I will receive
A novel of raw + contemporary love.
I have never met you
But I heard your energy is so divine
I have never been near you
But I heard the air is so fine.

I used to fancy about you day in + out
Until you became over played and so over hyped
I used to count the days until I'd meet you
But then I found out you were just like everyone else
Even after all the push + pulls
I see you in a new + ***** light
I see you in pure faces in the open air
I made you a reverie
Until I realized you were a lie
My days have reformed
I want to live and breathe the voyage
Things I haven't yet seduced.

Still, I haven't met you
But somehow I know we have met before
Just in another past-life
I have never met you but I am so sure we will again
You go beyond space, time, skin, body, + mind
So, I'm telling you I'm so sure we will meet again in time
Just forget about how + when
So personal to me
I gave up my knowing
It doesn't belong anymore
If I'm listening closely I hear you whisper my name in dark streets during the night
If I look closely I see you outside of my glass screen door
Just waiting to be let in.

You once met me and rooted passion + desire within me
Binding me to you
When I lose my creed
Your love bleeds igniting me
The knowing we will meet again
I thought I was oh so high
Until the word
You are oh so high oh mighty.
The old me is gone!
When I accepted Your gift,
the new me was born
With a different kind of life
Made in the likeness of the Most High
The gift is called salvation
Redemption
Liberation from death
Spirits mingled into oneness
Ticket to eternal life.
You came to me,
Like words to a song,
Touched every memory,
But the feeling was gone,
Watched me carry myself,
With courage and grace,
Noticed nothing was heavier,
Than a smiling face,
Witnessed days turn to years,
By the wand in your clock,
Yet the magic of time,
Couldn’t make the pain stop,
Surely you understood,
As far as eyes could see,
But a crumbling soul,
Leaves no debris,

No divine purpose,
No lesson to learn,
Some Gods,
Just want to watch a man burn,
So now I live by the words,
Of a wise, holy liar,
Cause when the truth sets you free,
It sets you on fire.
I am in love
Head over heels
A thunderstorm of flutters in my heart
But I will put you,
Lord,
first
For if I live my life by the way of God
Everything else will fall into place
All I need is to have a little faith
I am suffocating.
I can't get you out of my head,
please go away.
So I can go back to my simple life,
the one without your smile,
without your brilliant blue eyes,
without your voice.
Why would God put you in my life...
if it wasn't meant to work between us?
The thought of your shiny blonde hair,
your mouth sliding in and out of mine.
I can't breathe.
I stay high,
so I don't have to feel you right.
I'd have to say I'm addicted,
I should stay away.
But these urges I can't fight.
I can't breathe

I am suffocating
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