You drink to what I have
And don't,
To what I want,
And lost.

Here's to you,
And your bitter soul.

Cheers.

I wear long coats and leather boots
I wear long billowing skirts
My hair dark and curly
I sing the blues
I drink gin and smoke ****
I put the joint out with my finger tips
I hike and make music with strangers
I read poetry and politics
I am friendly and confident
I go to sunshine and music
I dance bare foot
I walk with beasts
I tread lightly over the dead
I see birds gather and hear my name called
I look down
I see dirt
I see myself
I see growing and potential
I am not done growing yet
I have not reached the canopy
I have not caressed the sun
I wait, biding my time
I collect pieces of the dead
I remember and take heed

I am alone now here at the bar
Beside me is a girl and a beer jar
I do not mind about the girl
Because my mind is now on swirl.

A shot of tequila and a lemon
Make a toast for being forever alone
Give me a another glass of ***
I am cold and I want to feel warm.

My heart and brain still feel the pain
Like I drank tons of liters of gin
Please make a drink for a heartbreak
And the bartender started to shake.

I tried all of these drinks and runaway
But still, I cannot drink you away
Give me another round of champagne
Just to forget and ease the pain.

Ashes are left
Ashes and gin soaked pages
Ashes and shaking hands at breakfast
Ashes and bruised knuckles
Ashes and losing him
Ashes and the absence
Ashes and memories
Me hitting the floor vision clouded over with black
His hand on the back of my head lifting me out of shock and back into the world
His ashes and absence wears my mind thin
His arm draped around me, drunken stumble up the steps
His ashes and my flesh won't mix
His ashes and my heart won't mix
His ashes blow away in the wind every time

Last night when we were both drunk off of gin and lust,
you told me I was like the song "ruca" by sublime.

I'm not your only one- but I'm the best one.
And I laughed at that.. Me being the best.

But you said it was true and I could see the sincerity in your eyes.
Baby.
You aren't my only one and you aren't my best one.

But I still burn for you
and when I'm all alone and on my own,
you're the one I think of.
That won't change.

You told me I'm a naughty girl,
a bad girl,
the worst.

That you can't handle me.

That in another life this could work
and I would be solely yours and you would be solely mine.

But what I do when I leave your place is none of your concern.
And truly- you don't want to know.

You call me a mystery and
I will always stay that way to you.
Again.

It's better that way.
Forever burning for you.

when you left me
gin became my new lover
smooth and hot
intoxication of a new type

when i lick my lips
i no longer taste your mouth
instead my tongue burns of pine
and my body welcomes it with pleasure

the feeling of you has been replaced
with the overwhelming, untouchable feeling of a drunken stupor

After your death
I'm rummaging through the drawers
for your bottle of Vicodin
hoping your ghost
isn't watching.

Why can I never stay clean?
Is it because I'm weak?
I see myself like your husband
in 20 years
a tired young drunk
sick of feeling old,
who died before his grandchildren
were even born.

I hear footsteps in the kitchen
and wonder if it's you
hiding them from me —
but I hear lots of things
when the floor beneath me
crumbles
and I'm left dangling
from my barbed sanity
with ****** hands.

I swore I'd keep it locked away,
this heirloom of addiction,
but right now I need to hold it
and feel it
because I miss you
and I'm not strong enough to accept the fact
that you're gone
just yet.

So far this is the only moment
I've told myself you're not here,
when I find and swallow the last
three pills
that couldn't stop your pain,
then wash them down with gin
that wasn't enough
to stop mine.

concrete slams across my shoulder blades as you press your body against mine
an outside invasion;
oppression
my hands climb to my lips warding off the gin and wine of your
kiss
it poisons me as you reach to grab my flesh

I should’ve turned to coffee and water;
velvet nights of smooth moonlight and a bitter windchill
God whispered warnings of you
across my thighs, near your neck
gin and wine

it’s you and me, mixing liquor with jealousy
fabricated curls and a whitened smile
you stand towering over me
asserting deceitful dominance at every chance
yet darling,
I’m