I can’t give it up.
I’ve tried so many, many times
To lift myself so high I never come down,
To never come back to what I’m hiding from.
Those same fears are sneaky
They lurk like sewer rats
The rats eat only fear
They only come out to eat whatever fear you feed them
The more you feed them, the more they want
The more rats show up for feeding time
Till you’re infested.
Poison ought to do the trick, you think
So you drink some
Just like resentment,
You drink poison to **** your enemies.
The rats are still there but they’re out of mind
At least tolerable for long enough for you
To go out and buy more poison to drink
To feed the rats more fear, to try to forget ‘em.
They have you by the neck
You feed them, more show up, they bring their friends
They breed. Now you’re steadily infested by the rats.
By now, drinking poison no longer makes you forget.
Rats gnaw at you. Their stench invades your breath.
Drinking poison dulls the pain
Numbs your nose to the stench
Just so you can somewhat put up with the rats.
Your resentment boils up further by the moment.
Adding poison to the fire only raises the flame higher.
You drink till you think you can’t feel it
The rats gnawing, your stomach turning at the stench,
The resentment towards the rats and now yourself.
Poison makes its way into your body
But those fears that fed the rats are still there
While you were so busy pretending
Those fears didn’t exist,
A terrifying list of problems has slinked its way in.
You’ve thought about giving up poison.
It makes you sick.
You forget forgetting.
Lost is a rotating vicious circle,
Your list of problems is stronger than you
It’s your worst enemy
You look at that poison on the counter
And you say “you’re all I have left.”
Maybe you don’t believe it,
Maybe you do.
You’ve crossed a threshold
Poison is slowly killing you
Or is killing you fast like a venomous snake?
Numbness is the only sensation you remember.
You drink poison not to numb anymore
But to feel something, anything at all.
You gulp it back to achieve pure oblivion
To reach the finish line faster and faster.
You’re not quite sure what being alive is
What it means or why it matters.
People? There are no other people.
You’re still stuck with the rats, the fears,
Everything you wanted to hide from and more.
Poison has become a symptom of every problem.
Poison is a problem.
You go for a day without it
You sweat, you shake, you puke
Your fear is worse than ever
The rats are more tortuous than ever
You’ve entered a new level of torment
Worst of all, you can’t put an end to it
You don’t know how.
The poison screams at you till you drink it.
It’s going to **** you if you don’t drink it.
Your body, the poison, neither let you stop.
A bottle creeps its way into your wallet
Down your throat
Your poison drinking career affects your ability
To function in all areas of life.
You know if by some miracle you stop chuggalugging
Everything you’ve been hiding from and more
Will be around the corner waiting to jump you
When you stop poisoning yourself
Only then, they’ll bark louder than ever
Louder than the worst day before you started poisoning yourself.
There’s no way out, no different path.
You’re hopeless. There are no options.
What is there to take away the pain?
Facing it head on is impossible when you’re poisoned.
Poison and problems are eating away at you
Twenty-four hours a day.
Ending the race, calling it quits
Or a different type of poison seem like the only choices
But maybe at this point you’ve already shopped through
All the available poisons and arrived at the same plateau.
You realize the only way your poison will take away the pain
Is if you drink so much it kills you.
There’s no poison strong enough,
no distraction great enough to make it all disappear.
Attempts at bettering yourself are futile.
Death is imminent.
When you’re feeling brave
You welcome it, embrace it, invite it
Like embracing an old estranged friend
Dropping out of the race seems nice
But you’re too afraid to die.
Your life is death
- Only you can decide what happens next -