She was so lucky.
Friends.
Several of them.
All of them kind and real and amazing.
School.
So kind and real and amazing.
Nobody scans her as she walks the halls.
Nobody judges her every choice.

Nobody notices when she chooses to eat information instead of food.
Nobody realizes she notices the little glances just barely within her sight
     Or the muffled snickers
     Or the sly comments.

Nobody knows how absolutely aware she is.
Nobody hears her trembling breaths in the bathroom
silenced by the palm of her hand.
Nobody could ever know how hard it is to ignore all of it;
                                              how hard it is to not hate yourself;
                                              how hard it is to hide everything
carefully packaged under the confines of her undershirt.

Nobody can tell that inside those bulging rolls is simply a girl with social anxiety and insecurities beyond mental health.
Nobody sees her bury her feelings in her sparse salads and amaranthine assignments.
Nobody sees her.

So i sit here spinning my pen again
Tryna think straight too late, easy man
Runnin' up, too fuck3d i don't have a chance
Too quick, too slick, made it to the end

Now what should I write before i get sidetracked?
Should i spit a little quicker about rhymes and raps?
How about advertise them jumping jacks
And how exercise is good at keeping down bad fat?

Nah man, that ****t sounds lame
Yeah i know but the actions always stay the same
Eat Maccas life hackers who cant cook a meal
And wonderin' why their trusty rusty weight scales squeal

Yeah dude, i know that a problem, hold
No matter what you sell it all gets cold
Like frozen cokes, just a dollar fast sold
Syrup and sugar that tastes too good to close

**** these hoes,
Wash it all down like a fire hose,
Where this ****t goes even i don't knows,
But I'm the writer y'all
Pshh I'm in control

Its easy too
Whip out the cash and drive on thru
Without a second glance at whats in your food
And why do i try to write to you
I'm just in the mood

Now this ain't a diss track just spittin' facts
But if ya keep buying quick you'll get heart attack
Some cardiac, not police, still arrest
Freeze with both hands up like be my guest

You'll wake on up with an oxygen mask
And wondering why your mouth tastes like a$$
Why you layin' on your back and ya wanna pass gas
But you fear if you do then your life won't last

You look to the roof and see the truth
When the bulge of your belly blocks the blinding view
Casting a shadow across the next street too
And you wonder how the doctor gonna quick-fix you

Well here's some news, flash ****!ng headlines
Perhaps if you were careful you wouldn't hear the sirens
Alarms are sounding both within and without
Never heard either, your lips flap like a trout

Just a fat-**** fish ****!ng gasping for air
Out of his habitat, look in the mirror
Because if there's one thing left to haunt your nightmares
Its the 1-0-0 flashing back to scare

Its easy man, easy man
An everyday person who doesn't really care
Easy man eats like a ****** big bear
And then a little more coz the coin helps to share

Its easy man, easy man
An everyday person who doesn't really care
Easy man eats like a ****** big bear
And then a little more coz the coin helps to share

Like whats your pant size, is it such a surprise?
Your belt buckle bursts because you got large fries?
For every day, and you got sausage thighs
God help the plane freighting you through the skies!

Sorry sir, all luggage is 20 and under
"I cant hear you, my thighs are thunder"
Your baggage sir, its far too large
The amount of fat flesh exceeds the limit by far!

Just danglin' there, and its hard not to stare!
When its in my face like when i trip the stairs!
That s**t could knock me out, fair and square!
Miley Cyrus, i found a free wrecking ball dear!

There's so much to swing from, a chandelier
Of quivering pale skin that makes my eyes go weird
When you take a seat, do you have to use two?
Do you gotta pay extra for the crane that they use?

****, son just take it easy
You spittin so much its makin' me queasy

Sorry man, it doesn't make much sense
Why the easy man cant walk up more than one stair

Like not only is it an inconvenience
You're relying on strangers spaces to be lenient
And then you gotta wonder why you get funny looks
That weight is a crime and they spotted the crook

Just take it easy, but not so easy
I don't wanna see your face shine so god-**** greasy
Like i get it man you eat when you ain't hungry
I ain't your next meal stop lookin' funny

But please, learn to look after yourself
Book a time for the gym to improve yourself
Do some jumpin' jacks it'll improve your health
Take in a few notches off that black leather belt

See? Dude, that ain't so lame
At least there was a message left halfway sane
Yeah i got half a brain, it don't take two cells
To realise that some people just as sick as well

He was an easy man, easy man
A fat fast **** who didn't really care
Once upon a time ate like a ****!ng dumb bear
Now he's callin' out the Rock for an arm wrestle, YEAH!!

ahahahaha
Easily the easy man comes real quick,
Jumpin' jacks over the Hungry Jacks fix!

I have tattoos all over my body but you can't see them all.
They are the words that everyone has ever used against me permanently embedded into my skin.
The judging stares and wandering eyes that make me want to cover my body and hide away.
If you could see them you wouldn't look at me the same ever again.

Heartless- Bold and Italicized across my chest.
Regret- Hidden behind the back of my neck
Fat- Underlined across my stomach
Desperate- Beautifully written between my thighs
Lonely, Pathetic- split between my wrists

The words you keep saying, the words you pretend you don't mean are covering me.
The hatred I feel towards myself can never be fully seen.
If I even opened myself up just little more for you too see you would look away with pity and shame.

Remember this the next time you tell me you regret having me.
Remember this the next time you tell me I am heartless or fat or ugly.
Remember this the next time you tell me my self esteem has ruined my relationships.

Because just beneath the surface lies the art that isn't shown to the world.

Protecting the carcinogen
God bless this anomaly
Who they choose to protect
Intravenously a sight to see

Saving this misstep
Blight of justice, repetition
Six million people left to vet
Each one with tunnel vision

That's the view
Who
Is right
Wrong
Death and disorder
Tagging
The walls
Of the holy manor

Then **** them all
Inside and out
Violent, volition
No one truly knows self doubt
Ventricle technicians

Each coat of paint
Is closing the space between the walls
Halls closing in
How much longer before you fall?

---------------------
Oh god, I'm still alive
Please, someone **** me
I shouldn't have to go through this
---------------------

It's funny, ain't it
Fancy feast for the whole congregation
My words aren't an open book
A buffet for crooks run amok
On ground up horse hooves

Frowning down I pout
I'd **** my ******* self to put their fire out
A brisk shower of intuition
Intention of slowing mass emissions
Eating ***** in
Filtration organs

Go vegan

"You can't wear that,"
"You're too fat,"
The words echo inside my empty belly,
"You shouldn't have eaten that."

In the back of my throat is a model,
A body type I've aspired to be,
I shove in my hands to grab that model,
Bringing back everything I had for tea.

I look in the mirror,
Presented with teary, bloodshot eyes,
Seeing my aspiration that had gone to ****,
I still don't look like that model,
I'm still just a "fat *****".

i use to think blue was my favorite color because of the sky

i never thought it was because of your eyes

but once i saw them i understood

and you replaced the sky and everything in your path

i fell, fell harder than i ever have

and although my life has been full of problems

the biggest one is you

every flaw, every single thing you hated about yourself, i loved about you

every nagging, every put down, every curse, i banished, i stopped you from letting them out

and though you let my words fly south

i stayed. i listened. i felt your pain as if it was my own

one day i hoped you would have noticed

one day i hoped that instead of telling your guys that i was just a friend,

you wished i was more.

i wished your feelings would pour

pour through your chest as my tears did down the drain

that every memory of me was hidden away in a special box, sealed and marked fragile do not touch

but they weren't

my feelings aren't reciprocated because of one simple reason

i'm fat

my weight doesn't correspond with my height

my body doesn't look right

my heart is big but so are my thighs

and even when i try

it's not enough

you've never straight out said this but i can read between lines you have so easily drawn

like the strings to my heart tugged like a puppet master

starving yourself is wrong, that's what they teach you in health class

but when you are fat heads turn the other way and suddenly it becomes okay

on day five i felt like i wanted to cry because i stepped on the scale and didn't lose an ounce

and yet i drank my weight in water and pushed myself farther than i ever have before only to sink to the floor

i went to the kitchen to consume my doom but only a salad because i hadn't given up so soon and it was okay

it didn't make my day like ice cream on apple pie or chocolate cake

instead it ruined it when i got on the scale and gained a pound

i could starve myself for days outweight the amount of calories burned to the ones taken in and not lose anything

but the second i eat even if it's healthy the scale tips like it tips my whole world upside down

i am told i just need to eat healthy and exercise but if that was the case why do the people who eat nothing but trash have flatter abs than me

and then they are the ones to tell me i am unhealthy

i go to bed late so i can get up even later, sleeping past breakfast and lunch

i then force myself to go swimming and put on a two piece to remind myself why i'm even doing this in the first place

in a haste i swim around my pool and do workouts for hours until i completely lose feeling in my legs

you're not suppose to eat after seven but that's when mom gets home and we have dinner

i pretend i'm feeling sick so i don't have to eat and although she sees through my lies

beauty is more important than being healthy