You aren't anything I want.
Your eyes alight at the chance to prove yourself
superior.
Being older shouldn't be an accomplishment
It's a shame
For you.

Wish I hadn't noticed the strange noise I heard.
Whispers from within,
screaming to reach open air,
itching under my skin,
to be real and true and free.

Gravity shifts quietly, gently
I feel a weight in my arm, unbalanced
tipping towards you
wanting to stretch past the space
the wide space
6 feet exactly,
exactly too close
not far enough.

Pretentious, obnoxious
and yet
I still long
For you.

And then, seeing only part of your face,
the other half obscured by a mask
A physical one
As I wore a different type beneath my own
blue filter
One that didn't show the way my eyes pleaded
to drag over to the right
where I could see you.
To where I could pine
For you.

I know it's impossible,
infallibly fantastical.
But seeing your face,
Again I feel that buzz of attraction
For you.

I still see you when I close my eyes and let my mind wander
I wonder how your face would feel against mine
Wonder how we would feel together.

February finally happened.
Winter ended for me, but more for you.
I promised to remember, but some days I still forget.
You forgot me, and I guess its only fair,
but I don't care.
I promised to remember but as months passed,
after you passed,
the memory doesn't last.

The image of you is faint:
you, frail and pale and empty.
I could see you hiding inside her,
so lonely,
so scared.

The nurse looked so pitiful
I tried so hard to keep them in
I remember you as water,
water I tried to keep inside

Decorate me as you please.
Eyes lit up like candles,
bright flames casting shadows over your face,
over my form.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
Wax twists down slowly,
tortuously,
melting toward me as I can merely watch,
waiting for you to burn through me.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
I force myself to smile,
sweet like frosting,
a pretty picture for you as I watch,
waiting for you to burn through me.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
Before I am ashes, you blow out the candles.
Make a wish.
I wish I could leave, but I can only watch,
waiting for you to burn through me.

it hurts to see how years pass by
how days turn to decades,
decisions directly caused her decline

it hurts to hear how songs grow old
memories linked to melodies,
moping to music made months ago

it hurts to read her pain
to borrow her books
buried truths brought into focus

I live beneath layers
And layer and layers and layers
I am small within myself
Shrunken down
Collapsed
The reflection is superimposed

Through my eyes, I see myself
The rest is simply layers

Layers of fat and skin and stretch marks
Each layer heavier than the last
Heavier and heavier until
I start to droop
Inside and out
My shoulders concave
As I wish my stomach would

Searching for acceptance
For self-love
Searching and only finding stares

But they only see my layers
And I live beneath them

confide in me
quietly
tiptoe through night as we
silently
defiantly
slip into the light we see
vibrancy
and finally
in time we're free

I've loved you across space and time
years spent, investing in a friendship
only to go broke

I've given you space and time
imagining an apology, an explanation
radio silence

I've watched you across space and over time
You made new friends and joined with old ones
Just not me

You can be oblivious but time and space
Could never completely erase
How much I
know you.
Because I know you.

And you can't take back the time we spent
and you can't create more space
And you can't lie anymore
Unless you lie to my face.
Because I am done reaching out
to see if you're alive.
Because it's clear now.
You're no friend of mine.