i think that the reason what you had said hurt me so badly was because it was the truth. as much as i hated to hear what you said. it was the truth. the cold. hard. truth.

ever since i was a little kid i had always wondered if i had felt love for someone other than my family. i used to look up the signs that you're in love and read books upon books about how to fall in love when i realized that the books and magazine articles don't define when you can feel love or ways to make you fall in love. you do it all yourself. when you meet that perfect person that's when you fall in love. not in a certain time frame. it is all about who you meet and sets your soul on fire and makes you feel love. you can't force love to come by eating healthy for two weeks and listening to slow jazz music. it all comes when your heart whispers to you that you have found the one.

we were so close. we were inseparable. it was always you and me. me and you. if you asked me to do anything i would do it at the snap of a finger and had thought that you would do the same but i later found out that that wasn’t the reality of it all. when you asked me to take a sip of something that i knew i shouldn’t have and you asked me to hang out with people that i knew were bad for me i should’ve said no but i didn’t because i would do anything for you and you knew that but you took advantage of that and manipulated me to two words with no meaning. best friend. best friend is the label that you put on it. when i didn’t want to do something that i knew was bad you wrapped me up in the words best friend and made me blind to the obvious truth of it all it was all just for you and not because you actually might’ve seen value in our friendship. was it? it was all for you when the new boy at our school called you hot and you left everyone for him. you stopped calling. texting. asking. instead. you left me and all of our memories behind and you acted as if we had never shared secrets as if we had never stayed up until two in the morning talking about stupid boys or complaining about our parents rules you act as if it is nothing. that our friendship was nothing. that i am nothing. and when that new boy finally asks you out and touches you how you want you officially leave me. then. you realize that you need a friend but you can’t come back to me because of what you did to me. to us. to our friendship. so. you find the people that are weak and easy to prey on so that you can get what you want and leave just how you did to me. you apologize to me over and over again and i keep accepting you back into my life hoping that maybe you changed. but i was wrong again. because you wrote me that three page letter and said that i ruined you and your only sources of happiness are this boy you swear you’re in love with and this sad replacement of me as a friend. every single word that you wrote hurts. it feels like a slap in the face after everything that i had done for you. i lied for you. i did everything for you. and this is what i get. a ****** three page letter telling me that i’m not good enough for you but after sometime i realized. the reason that you did that was because you are selfish. and you always have been. selfish

waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a desert

i want to write about you in a way that captivates people and makes them wish they had our feelings. but, i truly cannot fathom putting the feelings that i have for you in words. there is simply no way to describe how warm my heart feels when i am with you.

for the first time in quite a longtime i am happy. not the kind of happy like fake laughs at terrible jokes or the happy that never has some sort of real meaning. right now. november 2017. i am happy. i can feel my heart race when something good happens to someone else. i smile at everyone that i see. i find joy in helping others and i'm not afraid of love. i am not afraid to care for someone or to tell someone how much they mean to me. my walls have come crashing down. but not so loudly to the point where all of the people that hurt me come running back to damage the new heart that i fixed. but to the point where they came down softly and not all at once and people that i thought were just passing by saw the good. happy side of me and decided that they want to stay there. stay in my life. not to trash it and throw everything that they don't like away. but to clean it up and make it sunny again.