What if...
What if is a funny phrase
it has endless possibilities
What if I fail?
What if I fall?
What if it’s not your choice at all?
What if is for the worried
who think of all that could go wrong
What if I fail?
What if I fall?
But what if you fly?

My head hurts, mom
Please come and take the pain away, mom
I'm not holding my breath, I can't breath
No one understands my brain, but me
The way I think, the path I've lain
and when the dead comes and whispers in my ear,
I'll make sure that you come and hear.
↝⍣↝⍣↝⍣↝
My tears keep stealing water from the ocean
and every effort I make ends in lost devotion.
My heart hurts, mom
Please come and take the pain away, mom
I don't know who I want near, mom
Everyone I want can't come here, mom
It's my natural instinct to run to you, mom
But, I try my hardest to show you I grew, mom
I'm not some little girl with an innocent mentality
But, I am someone who tries to escape reality
Two attempts and I've failed, mom
I'm feeling better but my mind is still jailed
I will keep my mind locked up for now
And only let thoughts out that you allow.

There is a war
     waging inside me
    tearing me
to pieces.
Do I grovel for forgiveness
    fight for this
or run...
        like I've always done?

I don't know how it works
trying to be
a part of something
       bigger than
                    me.

I feel complete blindness and
     terrifying uncertainty.
                   Is it me?
    Am I ruining whatever this is?
Or are you to blame too?

Don't you see
      I've never done this before.
           Everything is new to me
       and I'm trying my best
but I fear I keep faltering...
                                     failing....
                                           falling.
I've only ever looked out for myself
    and yet
         here I am dancing
     on my tippy toes
trying to please you.
No ones ever wanted me
          around constantly
        so instinctively
I pull back.
I'm not sure I'll ever get this right
            especially
if you don't understand my
         doubt and
               hesitation.

Is this love
    or agony?

I didn't know it was possible
      to confuse the two.
Some days I feel
    oh so high and happy
that's when it's easy to be with you.
     But there are days like this where
          it appears
I've messed up
                     again.
Now there's
simply radio
    silence.

I'm struggling daily.
If it's all me
      if all these mistakes
          are only mine to make
     do I continue trying?
There's no promise
     I'll get better.
I worry in time
you'll get sick
            of my constant shortcomings.

But if I give up
    run like I've done
what's the cost?
I've lost
       you
for good this time.
      I'm at a c
                    r
                    o
                   ­ s
            roads
        
Is this love or
       agony?

Please just tell me.
Should I fight or flee?
Do you still want
        me?

Today I think I failed myself
By the habit's hands I am a hostage
My the liar's mouth I am a slave
Wakefulness is my price to pay
Sleep obviously eludes me
Actions obviously exclude me

shaking hands
clutch them tight
don't let your eyes
show the fright

stand still
don't be seen
clench your jaw
contain the screams

flickering eyes
shallow breaths
try to blend in
look like the rest

i give up
i'm letting it out
don't run away
listen to my shouts

i'm telling the truth
the world is my jail
there's no time to live
only to fail

so i'm done trying
to walk this rope
until the world figures out
there's no hope

The summit of pride...Is at best, a long ***** to fall from.
Ive seen many die from my place at the top.
But I am not so lucky.
I must wait patiently till the day,
(for no man can surrender his pride)
And I will fall,
Faster and harder than any I have seen.
But what I have seen:

A stag with strong antlers becoming tangled in the thickets.

A man, A patriarch, A fighter, who in defeat, cannot grace.

A child with the best toy who becomes a recluse when the new one arrives.

A Woman who has never surrendered to a morally ambiguous world, Has told them to be stolen.

For happiness intertwined with your pride will fail.
Just as what you have taken pride in dwindles.
Every weak point exists to become stronger.

My heels clip on
London concrete.
My hamstrings strain
To increase my stride.
I slalom around
Pavement zombies,
Phone junkies,
Loitering monkeys.

Don’t they see?
I’m late for a meeting
With a client of grandeur.
A key player.
A major money man.
(I can’t drop the name
Due to a
Signed NDA).

It was suppose to be
A blue sky meeting
On a grey winters morning.
But I slept too long,
And the tube
Went wrong,
And now I’ve
Got the dreads.

If I’m late,
My rep will be tarnished.
I’ll never secure
Another meeting again.
Because in this town,
Time is a diamond
We can’t possess.
But we know it exists;
Out there on the outskirts,
Out there in the sticks.

It’s below freezing but I’m
Working a sweat;
A pavement cardio,
A sidewalk rodeo,
A street athletics show.
There’s no way I am going
To be on time.
It’s curtains for me;
I’ve sealed my P45.

Finally I arrive.
I collapse at the entrance,
My power-walk ending
In a muted reception.
I approach the desk.
‘Yes?’
Glared a future
X-factor entrant.

‘Good morning.
I’m here to see
The top brass.
The big cheese.
The head honcho.
I was delayed, but please,
Pass my humblest regrets,
I am spinning a lie
Which I hope he accepts.’

‘I’m sorry, sir,’
The young lady chewed.
‘The Great Man is away,
Tanning on a beach.
You’ll need to reschedule;
He returns in two weeks.’