I had a dream of clouds of white
And alas,
all i've ever heard were my own screams in the night
I have too much sadness for my own body,
even though I had to live with the label 'fat'
Ironically, I have outgrown this marking
Only to make more on my wrist
I call myself selfish because I cry when people take a left turn
when all I ever wanted was for things to go right for me

I had a dream I was in Paris
With a love of mine I could never deny
But I find myself halfway across the world
Unable to talk to anybody without tripping over the manifestation of rejection, and fear,
because it has grown too big to be kicked to the sidewalk
like I have been

And still, these dreams are so far from reality, no matter how many I think of
None are like the life I live now
Not even close
I don't know
I don't know why my stories only have sad endings
But at least I have nothing to lose
Except the weight of the world on my shoulders.

rainy fall nights turn to cold winter mornings so fast if you blink you might miss it
just as quickly the mornings turn to cool spring afternoons
cool evenings turn into warm summer mornings
sometimes it feels like my summer morning will never come
every night is a rainy fall night and every morning is so cold
i know what people are thinking
carry an umbrella, it's so hard to remember an umbrella when the rain is everywhere
the water keeps surrounding me and i don't know how to swim
i used to think that it was always raining, but the drizzle that i used to encounter from time to time would be so much better than the flood i experience every day
i wish i go back to my old self and tell her that things will get worse before they get better
the drizzle will turn into a flood
it will keep you up all night
some days will be clear not a cloud in your mind
these days will be your good days and somehow your mind will convince you that you are getting better
but the next day the flood will return
the sun used to out weigh the flood
treasure the sunny days because they will be gone before you know it

To the boy who was never mine, but pretended to be

ive been trying to write this letter for months now
im still not sure if it should be an apology
my biggest mistake was thinking that you could fix me
only i can fix me
i shouldnt have let you all the way in
i turned you into a puppeteer
i got ******* even though we said no strings attached
i wish you didnt have to lose me to appreciate me
i hope someday you come across a picture of me watching fireworks
and you wonder how many books i have read since then
or how many times i have re-watched eternal sunshine
or if i still eat ice cream even though im lactose intolerant
or if i ever think of you
I don’t.
i want you to have sleepless nights where your eyes flicker
trying to forget images of me laughing in your passenger seat
i want your heart to ache every time some one mentions my name around you
i wanted so bad for you to fight for me, but now i am glad you didnt
you can have the watch back, time does not exist to me anymore


I cut off every string that leads back to you

Distorted, vain, fearful and nervous
I'm crumbling inside my warped mind My darkness is void and heartless
But when I'm with you, those were just lies
I long to give you justice...
It's been said 'What's easy isn't always right!'
Blindly, you persecute our happiness
But loving you is worth the attack and fight.
I want you to always redefine my bliss
Waking up to you throughout each sunrise
Medicine to heal us is in our lips
Together with you through the lows or highs
I feel protected in gently holding your fist
Our child Happy because of you and I.
I think your finally getting the gist
We'd say 'Not too bad' For this lifetime
I'm awake with nightmares on my wrists
Eternal love sure does fly by
My happy place consistently insists
The love we shared, It will never die
...Our Beautiful rise and fall with a death kiss
yet, again and again, side by side

I'm broke and wondering where all my money went.
Questioning what was the last thing I bought and if it was money well spent.  
I had to work for what some of my friends already had for years.
Kind of a ****** reality but then again, who cares?

I'm watching all of my heroes become human.  
Free balling life while trying to take the next step, yeah, I'm cruising.
Working hard for what many had all along.  
If you think there's someone answering your prayers then you're all wrong.

Opportunity and equity are two very different things.
We all can grow but where we go can affect whether we're winning or losing.  
I'm so consumed by my desires sometimes it burns me.
Taking the next step is hard but we're all forever learning.

My life is just one big broken machine.
I need tools and parts to fix it and I'm still searching.
All that time I spent waiting and wishing for some to rescue me.  
The only person who can answer my prayers is me.

Do not try to understand me
I am new.
Do not try to get close,
I bite.
but,
though I wear black
I am
proud
so I keep calm,
and listen to bmth

And you're the one person I miss -
I miss you so much sometimes it makes me sick.
Its only happens around now,
In the twilight of sleeping and waking,
And for some ******* reason
It's just you.
I mean, I've had dozens of loves ones
Stumble in and out of my life
Like wandering ghosts.
And still they utter that I'm a hermit
When they hear the empty din of silence
Instead of reverbing "I miss you!"s
And the echoing "lets get together sometime!"
I am not one to latch on;
I do not reel them in, I do not bait.
I would much rather drink alone
Then get giddy off of shots and beer pong with
Lonely company.
But you -
For some **** reason, you -
You make me sick with longing.

What's the point of waiting by the phone?
If your messages are dry and you are alone.
The person that you want so much to message back,
Is ignoring you and you're about to crack.

All the bottled emotions in your head.
Are a step away from exploding, then you're dead.
There is just so much that you wanna say...
But so many obstacles all in your way.