oh, what a carousel it'd be
wedding veils, red roses -
what a carousel it'd be
if i was more than your late night girl.

Oh how I love Black, my favorite color.
It's my room color and white for the door.
Bits of greys for my windows and my floor.
Let's take it deep within what is stores.

Black and white, perfect combination.
It's what I wear, drawing people's attention.
But I don't care, this is my personality's representation.
Bullies don't give you just hate, they give reactions.

Let's go deeper, make this a whole.
My hindrances never end, just like a burning coal.
Give me a mirror, I only see my reflection of my soul.
Everything on my is broken, with a deteriorating goal.

Careless teeth shred the facade that safeguarded this being

Glaring at this human loudspeaker

It only knows how to HURT

It doesn't know of LOVE

But, it cannot become NUMB

For HATE only reflects back

Just Pretend to Smile.

Its been while since I've thought of you
Since I've wondered how you've been
Since I've seen your face

Its been a while since you've talked to me
Since I've blocked out your ignorant ranting
Since I've had to tell someone to stop talking

Its been a while since I've observed your mental health
Since you've bashed on me for having an eating disorder
Since I knew you had one too

Its been a while since you've checked on me to see if I'm still alive
Since I've checked on you
Since you would even care if I did

Its been a while since I've cared to wonder about you
Since you've called me names
Since you've spread lies about me

Its been a while since I've heard your name
Since anyone has brought you up
Since I've seen you

Its been a while since I've felt happy
Since I've felt safe
Since I have worried about my appearance

Its been a while since I've had to auto-correct my sentences
Since you don't yell at me anymore
Since your sensitive *** isn't around anymore

Its been a while since I've been glad someone has left my life
Since I've felt free
Since I've been me

You have dreams of big cities and fancy cars and you are surrounded by beautiful people
But your ship is drowning
You've been on this voyage for 18 years now and you've come farther than you ever thought you would have but you will come up alittle short
Just as always
You have such big dreams but larger deadly habits
The razors won't help you and you know that but
Somewhere in your head you have convinced yourself that if you drain out all your blood you will also drain out all the hate and be lighter than ever and then you can finally make it to shore
But, my dear, the hate is not in your blood it is in your head
You are the captain of this sinking ship but your depression is your first mate
Your depression has been the evil stowaway that has been sleeping in your brain for years now
The hate in your head can be traced back to it
You've spent the last eighteen years trying to track its every move
You've performed countless operation on yourself trying to make yourself better trying to remove your depression
You would have thought you were van gogh trying to paint the perfect smile on your face because you know people say smiles can cure depression but i guess you just didn't try hard enough or maybe you should have ate yellow paint instead
But no matter how you decorate the ship it is still sinking

My mind feels like a drought --
a conscious lack of thought about the harvest,
it's been ignored,
untouched,
unquestioned,
and "unburdened".

But it still remains a nostalgic sight to those who pass by and see its brown grass,
its veiny leaves,
its weeds in the concrete --
I walk quietly along with music in my headphones, wondering if it's loud enough to drown the guilt of my self-induced disparity and my disinterest in the sustenance I need to be more than just a warm seat in the room,
but rather a warm blanket to the homeless.

All I know is that the next page is blank,
and that a blank page is still opportunity.