The beginning is so unassuming
It's a faint desire to better oneself by
succumbing to "healthier" options both
mentally and physically
Or at least that's what we tell
ourselves

Once the introductions are over and
the pleasantries of obtainable goals
made, you become totally enamored by
the sense of accomplishment
That nagging whisper of assurance,
gratitude, and love keeps you
constantly striving for something
more
With that, the trap has been set

One goal turns to three, and three
turns quickly to ten
Now you are in the grips of an enticing,
vengeful, and all-consuming force that
is never satisfied
The whispers soon become screams
that berate your inadequacies and
open the floodgates for negativity
"Never Good Enough" becomes the
battle-cry of this addiction towards
self-deprecation

Intentions to stop are always there
However, chasing the ever elusive "last
goal" becomes your entire existence
You alienate yourself from any and all
who stand in the way of disordered
progress
Blinded by a strong conviction and
supposed self-improvement, you
cannot see the destruction ED craves
It devours every possible ounce of time
and energy a body has until there is
nothing left to give

Still not content, and louder than ever,
ED seeks complete annihilation and
your ultimate demise
Only through intervention,
enlightenment, and a shroud of hope
can the bond be broken with the beast
within
This clarity makes it possible to live
and fight another day

I Believe...Do You?

creased jeans,
she buy one,
get one free

dollar menu meal,
skin too tight,
life's too real

crack ******* and needle
tracks,
if only she could take time back

crinkled tinfoil, lighter
fire
happiness is a ******* liar

eyes blank, breath cold
her soul gone, her
love sold

Repair It...
Take this suffering
And take my pain
Let my poisonous mind
Be cleansed by the rain

Restore It...
Take this prison
And take my shame
Break down the walls
And to my defenses take aim

Soothe It...
Take this perfection
And take my mechanical ways
Become flexibly imperfect
And allow growth from change

I think that, from far away, I must look like a girl.  
every flaw de-magnified, every bit of too-much-ness
made lesser by default.
if you silhouette me, my edges are soft.
cast my shadow, she is fragile and delicate.
she is small and palatable.
she is the absence of the existence of me.

my body has become something i crumple and drag
underneath me like a dead thing.
i stuff it into jackets,
zipped up like a body bag.
it has been years and years
since the ghost-flesh of my torso has seen the sun.
i couldn’t tell you how it feels to walk outside
and not check the ground
for somewhere to swallow me.
i couldn’t tell you how it feels
to touch this skin
and believe that it’s mine.

if this body were an evening gown
i’d take it straight to the tailor –
i’d ask him to take up the hem
so i can stop stumbling.
i’d tell him to switch out the scratchy tulle
for the softest fleece.
i’d beg him to loosen it up around the ribcage
so i could finally
take one, real, gasping breath of air.

Blond hair
Chuck Taylors
Boy multiplied by three

Morning Dew
Dirt clumps
Darkness covers everything

Things that are seemingly "run of the
mill", " normal", and "mundane"
May also be the precise source of
someone else's pain

Consciousness fades
Pain grows
Body can no longer fight

Invasion within
Hope retreats
Mind and soul take flight

None of us can presume to know the life
behind one's eyes
Let us "break the cycle", "be kind", and "love"
Then maybe, our scars will naturalize...

I am wading through some murky waters
That I have yet to understand
With sludge so thick and deep enough
It keeps me from dry land

Still, I try to power through
While keeping you all informed
Though this barrage of wanting to know
Is leaving me quite scorned

All I hear is "you have run out of patience"
And "surely I understand"
Well No, I do not, I am always compliant
Especially to a brutish hand

Throughout the years I have kept in line
And played the dutiful role
But shaking hands with Father Time
Permitted my mind to **** my soul

At times the struggle is so intense
That I cannot catch my breath
I strain and gasp to choke it down
Knowing you expect nothing less

By pulling rank, you shut me down
And add weight to my fear and doubt
You fail to see that I am grown
A mother who has earned her clout

Assumptions can be cruel you see
We both have made our share
I hope my voice of honesty
Helps us to finally clear the air

You are an added link in a long chain
That is weathered but still intact
Now, I am asking out of respect of that bond,
Let us please breathe before we act

Am I Lost...?

Amid a complicated swirl of tangled
thoughts,
The mind cannot comprehend nor decipher
the mutterings from within

It takes stern candor from an outside voice
To break through the woven web of
confusion and angst

Offering, the faint flicker of hope, enough
oxygen to remain burning in the dark

Or Am I Found...?