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Amanda Kay Burke Jun 2020
Trying to keep numb
By words soft and sweet
Thought I was in control but I'm not
Fact:
I'm swept off my feet

I feel temptation creeping
I don't know how to make it stop
This is what I deserve
Heart spinning like a top

I am tired of fighting the feelings
The truth in my gut
Face not the easiest to read
My written words betray what's shut

Eating my cold composure
Barriers in my mind
Any second will be consumed
Too much love declined

My confused body might collapse and cave
Toxic with desire
Skies blue through foolish eyes
Underneath lay brimstone and fire

Our souls made to come together
Rip apart as we tragically fall
Loving is beautiful but I'd rather
Escape pain and feel nothing at all
I thought I was healing but I just stopped feeling
Lilith May 2020
They say these stretch marks are my tiger stripes,
signs of my strength.
But I have never wanted to be a carnivore.
I don't want to prey on those smaller than me,
the ones so fragile I think they may crack.
I want to be a sunflower.
Long, and tall, and slim,
tilting toward the sunlight,
not just unafraid
but yearning to be seen.

I have not felt the sun on my skin in so long
that I have forgotten how it feels to burn,
to let the rays rest on my goosebumps
and sink into the warmth.
I think I am destined to be cold.
To shiver under my own scornful gaze in the bathroom mirror,
because even though I only ate dinner,
I still woke up fat.

I never asked to be covered in stripes,
these scars that have defined me and
defiled me.
Before I even knew what it meant to be marked
I knew to hide.
I knew to pray that the earth would swallow me whole,
because at least in the ground nobody has to see me.

The sunflower turns to face the sun,
to feel the warmth on its petals.
And one day I will peel off these layers of death on my bones
and I will face the sun
and let it burn.
Apple juice May 2020
Withering skin shrivels onto hugging ribs,
Tighter and tighter,
the flesh grows.
No meat between the bones,
Nor weeping upon this humble abode,
Just a silence that continues to grow.
They don’t get how hard it is for me to eat.  At times it almost makes me sick to the point where if I take a bite and try to chew I gag. Something I’ve struggled with for a long time..eating something so simple controls such a big part of my life..something people don’t seem to understand
lexi May 2020
in the house
where sweet tulip roots fed off rotten wood,
where dark, faded mirrors
watched her cold breaths tremble,
where scars ran deep like poisoned blood
and shouts echoed through the veined walls;

the frozen tile still warmed as her feet brushed ground
and bluebirds puckered from her saccharine nectar
as the blossoms peaked their eyes
and the windows creaked,
full of promise.

seven years and we sprinted through tall grass fields,
wind chimes twinkling at each heave of breath
and thin strands of gold-spun hair glistening
like dew on morning leaves.

eight years and we climbed the tallest tree,
rough bark cutting into smooth skin
and fragrant scents of newborn pine sheathing
the smell of freshly fallen tears.

nine years and she sat on the back of my bike,
wind whipping her frail frame until each bone groaned
and creaked at every brittle secret spilled
from laced lips sewn shut with rusted needles.

and with every passing year,
a sweet drop of youth fell from her mouth into mine,
until smooth skin turned callous and pine and tears
became a sickly new perfume.

thirteen years and i watched her hover in the mirror
and probe her ribs with each pointed finger.
“wouldn’t i be so much better like this?” she said.
i laughed.

fifteen years and she was melting into the earth
as i watched her blow on a daffodil,
every exhale like a sharp knife,
and her newly hollowed cheeks
pulling taut to her bones.

in her house,
the frozen tile stilled as weary feet tread
and windows creaked, a broken whisper
of her lost thread.

i wrapped my fingers over her
thigh, thumb to thumb.

and then there was nothing left to hold.
Her May 2020
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
Clarissa Apr 2020
hunger is
a caged bear
growling, untamed

but willpower
forms the cage

locked up
or set
free

it’s always a
choice,
you can make
Dez Apr 2020
If you always wait to be motivated
At least you have the motivation to wait
For if motivation is often found
Not finding

But pay no minding
What do I know
I am not a poet
I am not a painter
I am not a sculptor
I am not a artist and I know it

But I have a little common sense
That has brought me this far
And one bit is that you should stop waiting
For fish are not caught with out bait
Neither do ideas come to mind
When you clear your mind

So stop your waiting to be motivated
Search for ideas
And soon you will write
Some thing far better
Then this tad bit
Of insight
Random thought #126
Ella James Apr 2020
My body craves it, but I don’t want it

Every time I think of it, I sense the bile in my throat

Don’t give in.  

“I love the feeling, the burning.”

Can’t you tell? I’ve been raised like this

Indulging in the emptiness

Nothingness.

Eat.
Sydney Mar 2020
I'm hungry but I don't want to eat
I'm weak
  or fat
  or both
Judgment
   from me and others
But I don't know what they're thinking
I assume
I assume they think
   I'm gross
   and fat
   and lazy
I could just be healthy
I could exercise more
Or eat fewer carbs and more protein
But I guess
   I am lazy
because I'd rather just stop eating
I know it's bad
I know it's dangerous
But my brain and my insecurity don't communicate
I'm insecure
       lazy
       gross
       unhealthy
       FAT
I guess this is just a reflection of the thoughts I've had in the past. If you are going through this please tell someone I went through it alone and it was really difficult.
I lie here awake at night.
Thinking.
Dreaming.
Believing.

I will never be the same person I once was.
But I can only hope, that I will become the person I want to be.
The person I’m meant to be.
For I have escaped.

And what’s that you ask?
What have I escaped?
You will only know through the truths I’ve encountered.
For I, will no longer give in.

I fear lies.
entitlements,
and envy.

For I don’t want to mistake your promises for prophecies that will never exist.
You destroyed me.
Your destruction compelled me into believing that there was better.
And that the pain would end.
But it didn’t.
It grew stronger.
And so, I grew stronger too.

But I did from you.
I ran so fast, that I no longer allowed your lies to fool me.
You couldn’t keep up.
And you kept trying to take me away from everything I built.
From the new person I became.
And the new bond I had created within myself.

But it hurt at the same time.
And it wasn’t easy to destroy the walls I had built around everyone else.
For you were the only one I let in for months on end.

And eventually, they came tumbling down.
Because I had so much fight in me, that I believed I could escape you.

And for a minute, just a moment, I second guessed everything.
But I knew it was you drowning me, because you swallowed me whole.
For years.
And this was my year to thrive.
All my own
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