There is a thing I wanted so much--
a thing always denied.
The evil and the angelic made a pact

and placed this desire in my heart
like a ticket hidden in a boot
worn by someone desperate in a station.

I tell people this desire is over--
that I visit its grave on holy days
to leave woven weeds,

but there is no grave because it is not dead--
only paralyzed like an aster when there is no wind,
no sun, no moon, no garden.

There is someone coming up the stairs
to hurt my heart, and they are so lit with beauty,
such an ordinary marvel.

The hallway floor is wood, the light there yellow in autumn.
It is morning, but the birds are mute.
My heart stops, the visitor walks past, the world ends,

but no one notices. There is no fool like an old fool,
no desire that cannot exalt or destroy,
over and over, in silence, like Shiva in a recurring dream.

i told my friend,
it wasn’t like that.
we said — agreed —
this still wasn’t a date.

then you sat down
with a coffee,
making me forget
every careful phrase,
every non-confession
i’d whispered to my mind.

we wandered the city
until sundown,
as if we didn’t know
every corner of it.
and when the night
started to settle,
i offered you an out —
you had plans.
you just smiled,
waving them away.

neither of us knew
what we then began.

because i told my friend
it wasn’t like that.
but now i’m not sure
what i was trying to defend.

Gather around me, point and laugh,
Watch me dance with a broken half.
How easy pain can be disguised—
Just hide your face, then mask the mask.

Come and try to comprehend
How a broken leg pretends
To find footing amidst torment,
Beneath the stares of a thousand eyes

Everyone has a broken half—
Half hearts, half brains, half short-stretched hands.
Try as you may to refuse and defend
Your half pride and half lies and their
Sickening stench.

Never thought a man could confess,
Or even have the courage to explain himself,
How bad and awful can be dismay,
Or even realize his closing end.

Instead, we stumble around and shout—
To forget it all, we shout loud and proud.
And if we still hear whispers of reason,
Our throats are ready to smother it out.

Denial
The news breaks
The words come,
but they slide off my skin
like rain on a window.
I keep moving,
setting the table, watering the plants,
as if the world hasn’t fractured
in a way I can’t unsee.

Anger
The air feels sharp,
each breath jagged,
and I want to break something.
The cups in the cupboard tremble,
my fingers curl into fists.
Why this?
Why now?
Why me?

Bargaining
In the quiet, I begin to bargain,
with gods I don’t believe in,
with time that won’t listen.
If I had been better,
smarter, kinder,
maybe it wouldn’t have ended like this.
The universe stays silent

Depression
It swallows me whole,
a deep ocean without light.
I stop reaching for the shore.
The bed becomes my sanctuary,
though it offers no peace.
I float,
adrift,
nothing to anchor me.

Acceptance
There’s no epiphany,
no sudden light breaking through clouds.
Just a morning
where I rise
and the weight feels less like a boulder
and more like a stone
I can carry in my pocket.
It’s no permanent solution
But it’s just enough to last me the day.

i don't need a boyfriend. i need a therapist.
i'm not meant to be the one that got away. I'm meant to be the bullet you dodged.
i'm so yours. i'm so sorry.