I wish you told me that wounding my knees was a part of the joy and that my hair already looked perfect in waves, and that bedtime stories weren't lame. I wish you told me these when I was a kid, instead of giving me the cliche ******* — those spilled stories over spilled beers about how you were forced to marry Mom instead of that girl named Beth.

We were caught in a story, the one with that school money thoughtlessly flung on the floor, road trips arguments and drunk-driving over eighty, and nonexistent goodnight kisses and hugs. As a kid, I believed those were the indicators of affection and love. But they're not and had I known that earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who walked all over my mental health
with someone who took me on a desk and spit knives in his drunken slurs,
with someone who dialed another girl's number while thinking I was asleep,
with someone who only dialed my number while he thought his girl was asleep,
with someone who faded in the curtains after he saw my razored wrists,
with someone who said I was his ***** and called it his idea of love.
Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have trusted men who hurt me just as you had. Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who had a ****** up notion of what love was. Had I known it earlier, I wouldn't have stayed with someone who was exactly like you.

Dad, had I known earlier that abuse wasn't supposed to be confused with love, I would have stayed alone.

If you still have the people you love most in your life today-
Hug them
Hug them tighter than you ever have
Call them and tell them you love them
Never ignore their calls
Pick up the phone and call them first
Make sure they know

They have to know
They have to know that when they're gone you won't be able to sleep knowing they've gone away
They have to know that all throughout the day you will cry when they have gone to sleep forever
They have to know your heart will be missing a piece when they leave
They have to know before they're gone

You have to tell them while you can
You have to tell them that they are special to you
You have to tell them that you will forever miss their voice and their laughter
You have to tell them you will miss never seeing their face on the caller ID

My God, please tell your loved ones you love them


I love you, Dad. I love you so much.

You weren’t around much when we were growing up,
There were so many things you missed,
Like when I had my first kiss.
I get that you thought you were doing your best,
But you never noticed that I was a mess.
You were trying to give us a great life by always working,
But that meant I couldn’t tell you when that boy came lurking.
All I needed was my dad.
You were never there, and that made me sad...
You didn’t know how to be a dad,
Not even a tad.
You left when we were young,
And that’s how my story without a dad begun.
But then one day that changed,
You saw how lost I was in life’s maze.
You helped me,
You loved me.
You told me you were sorry,
And that this chapter in my journey was nothing but a short worry.
So I forgive you for not being around when I was a little birdy,
You’ve come into my life in the middle of my journey.
I know you are trying,
Thank you for holding me when you see that I’m crying.
So welcome to being a dad,
Life without you was really bad.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger,
letting tears fall
down on the pillow
of silence and sadness,
of swears and talking downs.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger
waiting for it to crash —
wondering if i would crash it
or drive off a cliff
had i been the one driving.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger
disregarding seatbelts,
and wishing it was
the very last ride.

and i sat for many years
on the passenger seat
of our ford ranger,
you, meeting the snow storm, head-on
headlights fading
or maybe it was the last of bits light
ensnared by
the crashes and the blood
and the cars burning
on the side of the road.

and i sat on our
passenger seat
for the last time, dad.

and not anymore.