T.W: self-harm




For long I have wondered
How cold the sharp blade would feel against my skin
And how red the droplets of blood is

For long I have wondered
How painful a cut on the wrist feel
And would it be as painful as my emptiness

For long I have wondered
How rough the thick rope would feel around my neck
And if it could withstand my weight

For long I have wondered
If I get lost would they be in chaos?
And would they never forget my existence

A curious boy
Walks on street
Asking his father
What're those, What're these
His mother, holds his hand
With her gentle smile
And his sister says with a sigh
"Oh God, from where these questions
come in his mind."

Every day
Contemplating
Confusing
Consumed by the wonders
The rabbit-hole
Never to surface again
For I am curious
And forever that shall be.

- Jay M
August 26th, 2019

Waiting
Longing
For something that may never come
Yet
I feel it as it approaches
The inevitable impossibility.

- Jay M
July 11th, 2019

Raining
Droplets of red
Upon my head
As I cry
But it just won't stop

Keeping a wall of thorns
Decorated by the blood
Of those who tried to get through
You can't break through...
Don't let it get you, too...

An invisible hand
Tugging my strings
Pulling them tighter still
Killing me inside
Every breath battled for
Every step forced forward

Holding my head
Blood dripping to it
From my legs
From my arms...

Sleepless and so tired
Barely getting by
And every day
I ask; Why?

Growling at me
Snapping jaws
Scaring me
Into obedience

Elongated ears
Black hide
Slick, like tar
Muscled and lean
It awakens
And looks to me
With utter calm
And understanding
It stands
Dots of white for eyes
Guiding me to a tunnel
Dark and unknown
Then leaving me...

Lying on the floor of the bathroom
Trembling hands as I hold it
The sewing needle
Dragging it over my skin
Over and over
My light has long faded
Maybe never was
Dropping the needle

Grasping the cup
Drinking the soothing water
Then holding some
In my mouth
Pills in my other hand

Trembling

"I just want to be okay...
No more lying...
No more crying...
No more being the little failure..."

Delicately placing them in my mouth
Swallowing my poison
Now waiting
Fading
Hiding in the chill in my bones

Then I look up
Seeing the room spin
Go dark
Fade away from view
As I fall away...

Waking up in my bed
Alive
No blood oozing
No pills in my hand
No fading away to my rest...

Helpless, but I try anyway
Picking myself up
Dragging myself around
Because I know;

No matter how bad I get
There is always someone who cares...
Someone who would take my pain...
Never do I want them to take my burden
So I'll stay for them
Whomever they may be...

- Jay M
April 19th, 2019

When we ran,
I let my curiosity run with me.
Then I grew to wonder,
Why you ran with me,
After that little goal,
Which, in a way, drew you out,
Bringing me to suspect…
Is what they say true?

As I sat there,
Writing in my journal,
I wanted to pour out,
Alas, I did not,
Not yet, in the least.

Why am I feeling this again?
I have only scratched the surface,
Yet it feels like I know it all,
Like I have known you,
And you are just so familiar,
Alas, I cannot place my finger upon it,
So how can this be?

One day, you may see this and wonder,
But wonder no more,
For I will one day tell you,
So that your confusion may be put to rest,
Whist I hope this is all for the best,
Dear friend of mine.

- Jay M
September 6th, 2018

I always was scared of the way your eyes would start to light up
When you were excited.
The way I could see the gears crank and turn in your head with a million questions because you face never hid your inner world well.

You had eyes that looked up at the stars in the night sky
And somehow thought you would learn about them each individually.
A mind too wide, a heart too loving, a soul too curious.

I always was taught that curiosity killed the cat.
That is wasn't good, that it was rather bad.
I wanted to keep you safe but nothing could ever stomp your fire.
I stayed close, to make sure to protect, if dire.

Instead I watched you bravely fumble and fall,
Learning how to get better everyday.
Learning how to follow your dreams, your whims, and fickle wishes of the day.

I feel like something sparked in me from watching you.
Maybe one of your embers were sent flying
From your crackling and roaring spirit
and lit my heart aflame.

Now I feel like I can follow you,
Follow you straight into the light,
Into the sun.