I calculated life in days and not months or years for the fact that the important of otherwise minuscule sounding matters would sound as if it were grand. I reached for substantial representation as a reflection of the scale of enormity otherwise considerably short run instances have upheld in the 7,412 days since I was placed here.
7,412 days was enough to develop myself into the individual that I have never thought I had become. I am becoming the final forms of myself for the world to witness. I am beginning to blossom- though shriveling along the way- I am becoming beauteous and complete.
7,412 days has left me aware enough to know that
5,480 days ago I learned what loss was.
It was 5,480 days ago that I realized our minds **** more viciously than any plague lashed upon man.
5,480 days since coming to the conclusion that we are but temporary morsels of flesh on an ever-evolving plane of half-assed existing.
5,480 days since I realized that the enemy is not what we create in our heads as so it be the actions that have led us to create those idealizations.
It was 829 days later that leaving became a common occurrence in this calculated decline of my own innocence.
60 - some odd days thereafter I was led to believe it was my fault. It took another
730 days to realize that the weight of losing those close was that of had ripping my organs out with my bare hands.
898 days later I entered a
789 day torture chamber that had stripped me of every last pure portion of my existence. I wandered aimlessly with a bullet infused heart and the tattered and torn paper exterior that had served as a canvas to display the scars in which I had left to collect.
It was but 864 days until I had the slightest indication that this broken soul was of importance to anyone. I learned that believing this weight I had carried was not any fault of mine, but infractions committed by those who had set their own inner demons upon me as if they were handheld grenades and my mind was enemy territory.
It took a 40 day journey to find that for the first time I was given a sense of belonging and learned that sometimes it took coexisting souls to make sense of what our individual purpose had been all along.
I jumped aboard a 1,351 ship that had led me to places I had never ventured. I experienced rough seas only to be followed by fresh spring meadows. I had sat in the rain to appreciate how comforting the sun was as it kissed my skin ever so delicately. I had been to battle for a cause I was never sure would thank me, but when I found that it did I would have endured the fight ten times over for the bliss in which companionship contained.
4 days ago I learned that laying your entire soul out for another could still end in nothingness. The most beautiful presences can be reduced to but a deafening silence, a halting defeat.
Today is day 1 of knowing fairy tales are but compilation of half-truths.
Maybe codependency is but another word for makeshift.
I am disposable, but my soul is not.
I am as infinite as I allow myself to be.
Written June 22, 2015
