It's extremely late
I better abate the clean
Thoughts when you walk in

An angel cloaked in black.
A crystalised sinner.

But I watch over a pure being.
Someone who can't be dirtied.
Not by filth or other humans.
A completely clean entity.

I wish for revenge against God.
The cruel God who abandoned me.
Who reinforced rules.
That only help him in the end.

So I combine my filthy soul.
With a clean vessel.
Me and the purity.
We become one.

A sinner cloaked in black.
A venomous angel.

My life is divided into different rooms
as is my heart.
For as long as I remember,
from the time I used to care for decorations
to the time I am too lazy to clean up.
From the moments of sweet solitude by the window
to the clinking glasses and winking eyes.
The room belonged more to them
than to me.



And I often found it unsettling,
as if on a night
when I would be hiding under covers
not knowing what to fear,
someone would knock at the door
and with that knock, would come a pair of shoes
and a set of clothes, holding a person
whose face, motive or aim
would soon be inconsequential.



And slowly she would drag me
out of each room,
snatching away each memory that she touched,
knocking down my bookcases filled with my escape,
tearing away the wallpapers
behind which I hid my unvoiced cries.
The doors would be shut on my face,
leaving me out in a storm on a moonless night,
leaving me alone to face all that I didn’t know of
taking away all that I know.

Some days sobriety is easy
I can feel the strength I carry in me
Bare my scarred arms for all to see
Happy with who I am turning out to be
Resilient in the face of adversity
Thanks to peace of mind and clarity
I'm staying busy; like a bumblebee
Filling my time with things that bring me glee
Like my boyfriend, close friends, and family
Along with plenty of activities
Like exercise and my favorite hobby
Turning my thoughts into poetry
I find confidence in a cup of tea
Every day I gain more energy
I even get up and do chores frequently
My hair and makeup I attend to daily
I've unlocked the door to joy; love is the key
At last my spirit feels weightless and free

HOOK:
I love how the sky looks when it's blue
But it is just as pretty grey and cloudy too
Abstinence is a crooked path, hard to navigate
The road to recovery is beautiful but seldom straight

Other days are really hard
Wake up to a sky black and dark
No light can be seen, not one star
My resolve starts breaking, shard by shard
When I can barely lift my head
Much less drag myself out of bed
And the rain outside seems to have no end
That's when I feel the urge to use again
Disappointed, let down by ones who are close
Alone when I need comfort the most
Thoughts spin in circles, craving a dose,
World crashing down, I almost
Give into the shadows and do something gross
Thinking "How much dope do I need to overdose?"
Even break down and pick up my phone
Start to dial a number that to me is well known
I deleted it but it's still in my mind
Guess I couldn't leave all my past behind
But before I complete the call
I picture my mom's face and I fall
Onto my knees, weakly I crawl
Until I am against the wall
I sob and choke on tears as I bawl
Curled up into a pathetic ball
Then I decide today will not be the day
I text my old dealer "I'm on the way."
I won't give in or go astray
If I can push through this i will be okay
I'm strong enough to stay clean at least I am today
Determined to keep walking the right pathway
And manifest the positive words I say
Impulses I'm no longer compelled to obey
See my strength and hang their heads in dismay
I evict my urges, now they have no place to stay

HOOK

Some days my steps are filled with laughter and gain
Other days the path teems with temptation and pain
The walk will get bumpy but in sunshine and in rain
I'll keep making progress no matter how rough the terrain.

one month clean
i’ve made it here before
then i didn’t think, and i fell,
back down to the floor,
maybe this time
i’ll make it to two
or three, or even four
i guess,
that’s what i’m hoping for

hearing you say
you're proud of me
is all the reason
to stay clean

s.s

Sometimes my insecurities
would get a hold of me
Now I'm starting to see the best
within myself and I know
that this curse is a gift
I still have a whole lot of life
left to live
and I know which path I need to take
I might be alone for a long time
I still have a long way to go
And I know in time
I'll find the one for me

Everyone has seen through me
But I am starting to believe
There is a whole lot more to me
And nobody can take away
this feeling that's taken me higher
my heart is still full of desire

I've been given a gift
to cherish and share
It's been a rough start
But I'll get there
and you may think
that you can bring me down
I've already been pushed and tossed
into the ground
so maybe, maybe
you should just take me as I am

Guardian angel where have you been?
I've been sitting and staring
Thinking I'll never win
Now that you're here
You're picking me up
Fixing me up
rebandaging this broken heart
and maybe my luck is changing
maybe I can make it
because I've been waiting
Maybe I can make it

Everyone has seen through me
But I am starting to believe
There is a whole lot more to me
And nobody can take away
this feeling that's taken me higher
my heart is still full of desire

I've been given a gift
to cherish and share
It's been a rough start
But I'll get there
and you may think
that you can bring me down
I've already been pushed and tossed
into the ground
so maybe, maybe
you should just take me as I am

Take me as I am
Let me shine
One last time
Before the light dies out
For the last time
Let my gift
Light up the night
And I'll share this
with you for all time

Everyone has seen through me
But I am starting to believe
There is a whole lot more to me
And nobody can take away
this feeling that's taken me higher
my heart is still full of desire

I've been given a gift
to cherish and share
It's been a rough start
But I'll get there
and you may think
that you can bring me down
I've already been pushed and tossed
into the ground
so maybe, maybe
you should just take me as I am

©2018 Written By Benji James