The Books I Write & Thoughts At Night

It’s 2am and I awaken.
Thoughts break in
And I begin:

I write the books.
Charming, informative.
They do not sell.

Carefully worked on and out until they gel,
Spontaneous but ne’er pell-mell,
Tight, concise, the format small;
Life’s storms,
Its call to arms,
A bawling at our time’s alarms,
Wailing ‘gainst life’s wailing wall,
Admiring the beauty of it all…

What e’er it is I have to tell:  
They do not sell.
So what the hell!

But what is hell?
The poet’s railing wall?
Perhaps the tiresome need to sell.

The Books I Write & Thoughts At Night 7.12.2017
A Sense Of The Ridiculous II; The Processes: Creative, Thinking, Meditative II; Our Times, Our Culture II;
Arlene Corwin

I told you
I'm lonely as can be
Shivering at night
needing company
I can't find
you in this house
I need comforting
Your no where to be found
Why-
why-
why can't you stay
Why can't you be the one waiting on me

Now I watch you leave
you don't look back at me
My eyes start to bleed
This heartache can't be worth it for me
I told you once,
not about to say it twice
My heart melts
Two faced- my face feels the welt
Why-
Why-
why do you leave
Why cause me pain and suffering
when it wasn't meant to be

Today was going to be a good day
I promised myself this when I woke up
I thought maybe fake optimism and forced smiles will be enough this time
And I tried to hold my head high
But things fall apart
I felt the walls closing in on me
I searched for a window but there were none Water must have filled my lungs
Because I couldn’t breathe
And another promise was broken
A promise I made myself so
At least it wasn’t anyone that matters
People say there’s always tomorrow
But that’s hard to believe because
I don’t even see past tonight
Today was so long it felt like an eternity
Maybe it was an eternity
But an eternity spent alone is not one I want
Maybe that’s why my demons are so hard to fight off
Sometimes they pretend to care
Even though they don’t care
People don’t care
I don’t care
Actually I do care
A lot
It hurts that people don’t notice me
But it’s my fault for becoming invisible
Today was going to be a good day
Look how that turned out

I’m lost,
trying to swim
in a dry sea,
trying to force
myself to
draw breath
in an atmosphere
w i t h o u t    o x y g e n.
I reach,
but I can’t find
anything.
I’m an empty w
                         e
                          l
                          l,
and I don’t know
how to refill
myself.
However hard
I try,
however desperately
I grasp,
there’s nothing
to hold on to.

I take into consideration everything you've said.  It becomes gospel, and your word is your truth. Behind the breath that pushes it out is the furnace of a victim.

When it hits, translation transferred. Within it's stir I break. A meaning pure beyond intention, seeps through the cracks of my lips.

I sigh through my broken teeth. I know exactly what this means.

There's unitended consequences in everything, you know? If sometimes we just looked an inch further. If sometimes we just stuck around a bit longer.

But you felt compelled, who was I to stop you? Can't say I didn't try. Now we see that your perfect plan didn't change your affliction, it contributed to mine.

Your lure is ever enticing, slamming me into that wall. The wall you built and I obeyed. Weaker nights I cry out from the pain. And I curse my weakness, I curse the day you went away.

I let others lie to me, and it's getting easier now.

Do you ever wonder about me? Or are you sure of my can't?

I can't say I'm polished perfect, but I'd do anything, and I'd certainly understand.