All my life I've paid,
I've paid taxes, dues and sacrifices
I've paid bills, attention and detention
**** I've even paid a visit to the county jails a few too many times, either as son, brother or inmate
Either way I've paid, but
Why Do I Gotta Pay?
Why do I have to pay every time a cop sees me on the streets,
Why do I gotta pay every time they slam me on the concrete,
Why do I gotta pay every time they serve and protect me,
Why I gotta pay taxes to subsidize the incomes of those who disrespect me,
Answer me,
Is it because I came from a broken home, or because my Mama was on drugs and my Pops left us all alone,
Is it because I was baptized into the street life b4 I could even decide between wrong and right,
No, no, no, I know why, it's because I look too Mexican and not enough white, right? Nah, it's probably because all my friends are high school dropouts, washed up or strung out,
Or is it because the Indigenous, Latinos and Africans are worthless, well ****, I didn't get to choose my race but if I did I'd still choose Mex!
Why Do I Gotta Pay?
Is it because I'm a threat to the status quo and looked upon as the states foe, well that's not fair, I pay a bigger percentage of income tax than Mr. Koch, Wait! I think I know! It's because my family's from the other side, **** that border! Daddy, why couldn't you be white? It's like what I told you on the 16th of September, We don't belong here because we have indigenous blood, remember? This is the European man's land, duh! Y'all are just so ignorant huh?
Why Do I Gotta Pay?
Is it because for a little bit of contraband from the Earth I'm a convicted felon while Ray Rice is free after he crushed his wife's skull like a melon, is it because I can't find a job and still I haven't robbed, is it because my school won't give me financial aid so I was forced to sell dope to get paid, but still I don't get paid, I pay taxes or the carnales will have me put in my grave
Wait! I know why I have to pay!
It's because I'm a slave, not to celebrity gossip, consumerism and materialism, but to imperialism of the state, I'm enslaved cuz I got too much soul to behave, my stilo is Zapatista & I'm **** with my head shaved, They made me a slave cuz they know I'd take their wombmen away, not by force though, cuz who could resist a date from this Latin Lover from around the way, they mad cuz I got Spanglish from the barrio, lingo from the hood & an academic vocabulary from the Pecker Woods, they scared cuz they're wombmen wish they could, every time I step out Miralo, I'm lookin good! These cops could never be us, and when I'm thuggin, Man, I wish they would! Im a slave cuz I don't understand, understood? I'm standing over my land, understand? Cuz I don't ever stand under! I only Overstand! That's why I gotta pay! Cuz I'm a slave that won't work for minimum wage, I'm a slave that can't be put in a cage, Im a slave that don't know his place, I'm a slave that just won't go away, I'm a slave that can't behave, I'm a slave that charms sharper than a blade, I'm a slave that steals hearts and makes way, I'm a slave that plays and never gets played,
And that's Why I Pay
Cuz I'm a slave that chose his own fate ✊

tell me that my hair is darker than the night
and that you'd rake your fingers through it's black ink
   tell me that you wouldn't change it for the world
that it contrasts my skin and it takes the color out of
                                                                            dominoes

   tell me that my brown eyes are fine and
they will never, not ever lose sight of you. tell me
  that though they tremble and waver now that
i will catch glimpses of beautiful things, if not now
                                                                              soon

I can see my future
you can see my past
you’re giving me the answers
I’m falling fast
window to the soul
gateway to my world
I’m losing myself
you can see for yourself
my walls are tearing down
my heads spinning round
your gaze is strong
you can do no wrong
see my every sin
see where I’ve been
I can’t hide now
I don’t know how
you asked me who I was
but this stare is enough
for you to know who I am
& who I was
for you to know
that I am in love

That feeling just after
You said goodbye to the girl

And smiled just after
She gave a little twirl

But your mind blackens just after
And smile turns to frown

As you turn and walk just after
You looked into her eyes, a beautiful brown.

That feeling just after
you wave from a distance

And wish it were a dream just after
Even before you pray,

Cry and sing just after
And fail to find the words to say

That feeling just after
Listen

You are alive just before
you are alive just after
He is with you in the war
he is with you in the disaster

he loved you long before
You were born
He will love you long after
You will die

Today I put too much creamer in my coffee
the result was a milky brown
resembling your eyes
and breaking my heart

you're chugging wine at twenty-three
"i get nervous when you sit too close to me."
after a few, you touch my hand
pull me across the street, "i don't think you understand;
i don’t like the way you love,
shoulder to shoulder, i hate physical touch"
i lean on your bony arm and sigh
sinking beneath me, you’re afraid to die
i should've told you that when i come round
i like them tall, skinny, not afraid to drown

so tell me about those other girls,
was that last one your entire world?
did you float through her rivers, sail across her sea?
did she build you a boat out of your shoulder, neck and knee?
did you let her fingers run through your hair?
did you make contact besides a brown eyed stare?

well i too have a ship full of lovers,
they sing me songs, they pull me under covers
they touch my arm, my cheek, my thigh and lip
they fill the gap where you refuse to fit
i would kiss your face and let you drown
but you’d only let me if my hair were brown

when the war is over
what then

there is no road that leads back to
before

we pin all of our hopes and fears
on this
future
that has yet to be determined
But has already been paid for completely

in blood
in tears
in regret and sorrow

when the war is over
what then

only a few manage to escape the past
until we war again

©Christopher F. Brown 2015