"I'm dying", I say barely above a whisper.

Her voice hitches and I close my eyes.
I can't bear to see her response,
I know she'll probably tell me to keep fighting.
To keep trying...
But I can't.

It's been nearly two years since I found out.
Two years fighting for survival.
Two years realising I was my own rival.

"Don't say that", her voice breaks.
Her forehead rests against mine, as her hand roams the scars on my arms.

"I can't", my heart aches.
I tense my jaw, hoping to constrict myself from crying.
I swallow the sounds of my cracking heart and pull away.

I finally open my eyes and look anywhere but at her.
I see the birds flying and I hear them chirping,
The sun shinning so bright it contains a bright aura of happiness.
The ***** green grass dancing and moving with the beat of the wind.
Leaves shattering and making a harmonious sound.
I laugh to myself, considering how contradicting the mood between her and I is to nature.

"Please",she begs.
Her voice betrays her as it exposes her vulnerability.
Her whole demeanour dies,
Her knees buckling, holding on trying not to fall while her tears escape her effortlessly.

I shut my eyes,
Bite my lip,
Ball my hands to a fist,
Trying to hold in the pain,
Trying to hide the disease spreading within me.

"Okay, I'll fight it and I won't die", I look straight into her eyes.

"Promise?" She asks.

"Yea", I give her a faint smile.

I lied.

"I promise"
The words bending out of your sinister mouth trailing up to your crooked eyes.
"I promise, I'm sorry"
How many times can you repeat two words?
"I promise, please. Don't go"
I can still hear the echo of my tears crawling down your shoulders while your eyes stay fixated on the lines you knowingly caused.
"Wait. I promise."
                                        "at least i keep mine. "

he never loved you
& he never will

and who's to say anyone ever will
really love you, I mean
because everyone pretends this dark part of you
doesn't exist
but to you
it's the only part left

I want to be the only desire you have
when you wake up in the middle of the night
sweating for pleasure;
where the tension is so strong
I stir in my sleep to ask you what is the matter
and you timidly answer that you had a nightmare,
even though it's a lie
and you're too shy to admit to your carnal need
and express that the real reason you're awake
is because your dream
nearly made you wet
and it disturbed you
because the person in your head at the time
wasn't me.

It all seemed so real,
until you woke up with my small frame beside you,
with my chest rising and falling slowly
and the growing pressure against your boxer briefs
was becoming too much
as you stared at my smooth skin.
I nearly frightened you when I asked of your well-being,
you didn't think that wishing I would wake
would work.
As you told me you had woken from terror,
I turned over drowsily
crawling over you
to embrace you with kisses
and 'everything will be alrights.'

When you started to shiver
from my affections
I knew that there were other reasons
we both had stirred like this
in the middle of the night.
Our passion became heated,
but I could smell the guilt on you.
Something was wrong,
something was the matter.
We continued though
until we both finished in each others' sweat
and had inhaled enough of one-another's carbon dioxide
to save thousands of trees.

Only then did you tell me
another had tasted who I wanted
so badly to keep
for my own
for the rest of my life.
Only then did you tell me
you did me wrong
in so many ways.
Only then did you tell me
that you no longer dreamed of me
and you abandoned me.
Just like everyone else.
Just like you promised...


That you never would.