you were like a drug i couldn't seem to get enough of.
each touch,
each kiss,
each sweet nothing you whispered in my ear,
was a way for me to get "my fix",
a way to feed my growing addiction.
you recognized this control you had over me early on,
quick to provide a re-up when you saw me coming down from the high
loving the power so much that it became your drug of choice
but it wasn't enough.
my fixation,
my dependency,
my incessant need,
it wasn't enough for you
so you took on the role of my enabler
pushing the limits of my tolerance so far i **** near overdosed
the addiction started to take its toll
your touch became rough and cold.
your kisses, scarce.
and you whispered
nothing sweet
into my ear.
but this didn't matter,
I was hooked, and you were in control.
I tried to quit,
I tried to walk away,
I tried to listen to the desperate pleas that came from
my family; telling me to come back to them.
my friends; telling me they miss me.
myself; knowing I wasn't the same.
but as my blurred vision started to clear,
your face came into focus
and your touch softened
your kisses covered the scars that you created,
and the sweet nothings you whispered in my ear were enough to make me relapse
again,
and again,
and again.
and you had control
again,
and again,
and again.

n.p.

bubbles in my ***
i'm squirting sparkling water
jug it down like we're at a teenage party

they call me a paris fountain
throw your lucky pennies
i can be your wishing well

how could u tell you dont like me that way
i'll make your life a treacherous hell

do you even know me
does it ring a bell
****** with my success cuz
you're a wreck who will never make it til the end

you slide into my dms and disappear the next day
you say u a producer?
maker of disaster maybe

you change your mind like bpms
baby im gonna make your words pay

do you lay awake at night
completely restless
thinking of me
like i do you?

do you wonder if i lay alone
or have the heat of someone else keeping me warm,
keeping me company?
do you think about the nights we spent talking rather than sleeping
knowing **** well we both had to work at the crack *** of dawn the next day?
do you think about our kisses,
the ones you insisted came in threes,
and wish you could have just one more
just to remember the feeling that came along with them?
do you think about the time where we went wrong?
where you went wrong?
do you think about the words you spit into my face,
the words you knew would sear my heart that never ceased to beat for you?

do you think about me and get angry knowing i left?
do you think about me and get sad knowing you lost me?

do you even care?
did you ever care at all?
or is it just me?
or was it just me?

i cant help but wonder these things
as i lay awake at night
completely restless
thinking of you.

n.p.

I dance in the fire
And never burn.
The flames
Roll off my skin.

Like in a dark room
He sees me.
Spinning like a ball of fire.

His breath, shallow.
His shirt, wet.
His eyes, red, with my image.

He stands and walks
Round flames.

But as he leans in for a kiss
He catches fire
And goes
From black to ash

I laugh
As I watch
The wind carry his ashes
Because, I never burn.

I want to be
Alive.
Alive.
Alive.
I want to feel my heartbeat thrumming
all the way down to my very finger tips
I want the golden sunshine to warm
My body
My soul
I want it to reach inside me
and make the wild flowers grow
in the darkest parts of me
So I can be vibrant
So I can now have a reason to tend to me
I have spent to long not loving those dark parts of me
but now I can become a garden full of honey
And safe place for bees
A safe place for me
My body will be my own again
I will have no place for what you did to me.

- I have spent to long not loving myself

Lost boys
Running down the streets
Cutting corners in their haste
To get away from life.