It’s easy to blame
the parent that was never there.
It’s easy to remember
waiting at the gas station
with a full back pack for a dad who never came.
It’s easy to see
how a girl seeks a love
where she has to prove her worth
because it was never validated
by the one man who should of.

But it is even harder to forgive herself
for being angry
with the mother who was there,
on a single income,
taking the time to raise
the child that he didn’t.

Even though when it came to her love,
she picked the men
who didn’t even want her daughter
because she was a reminder of the past
without them.

It’s hard to accept that mom
was also that same starved girl
looking for a love that was unconditional,
only to find herself in a room full of conditions,
the ones that said “it is either me or her. ”
Only if she realized
that unconditional love
was staring at her calling her mom.

What is hardest is  
she always chose them.

Sitting at the gas station,
twenty years later,
staring at my packed bag,
I wonder why we keep being told
“they are still human.”
But weren’t they still parents?

It was a lovely afternoon
When I felt dizzy and soon
Started to feel as if my chair's moving
I looked up at the pendant hanging
Freely and also dancing
Back and forth
It wasn't just me who was moved
It was the earth and the whole building hoofed
Back and forth
One slip of plate
And it moved the whole earth.

It was mild
I hoped it won't go wild
Calling for my loved ones
I ran to the ground
People hustling, steps making a panic sound
From the eighth floor I felt it stopped
But as if it read my mind, earth again rocked
More than I've ever felt before
We all hustled downstairs in case it got wilder more
Old people, children running,
Mothers, scared, panicked, scooting.

Down the building everyone waited
Till the earth slowy bated
And stopped in a sudden motion
We were glad it wasn't that strong
Back to home, we all scurried
Switched on our televisions in a hurry.

Though the earth was soft on us
There were places where everything was crushed,
Homes, offices, families destroyed
Everything because of simple but strong
Back and forth
What is happening in the world?
Is it the human being which the earth loaths?

I’m crashing.
I have chills down my spine
As I flash to that night
Where I was soaring
On top of you.

The withdrawals have kicked in
And my mind can’t seem to turn off.
Up
And
Down
Until I have reached
Euphoria.

I keep blaming you.
Why did you give me that hit?
Just enough to keep me as the beggar
On your corner.
Your prime customer.

But it isn’t your fault.

It is me who is addicted,
to boys afflicted.

It is me
At fault
For having high hopes
For having great expectations
It is me
Whom I'm mad at
Because I allowed myself
Because I believed
It is me
Always me
Always my fault
Always wrong
Am I right?

Bury the blame in your chest and twist it,
do that for me friend, we’ll call it even.
I’m flattered that you came for me,
but if I could, I would have cut your throat with dolphin teeth.
You want to show me around like a prize,
it made me sick
so in seven weeks I’ll die