There's a sensation in my *******
It's annoying and raw
They tell me it's just cause I have to ***
But to me it's all wrong
It associates itself with hands on my thighs
With unwanted whispers in my ear
With a finger in me
A finger that is not mine

There's a sensation in my *******
That makes me feel unsafe
It makes me want to chop it off so I never feel again
It makes me leave my body
It makes me never want to come back
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to die

You kiss me,
You grab me
You lean me back to see the ceiling fan,
You instruct me on how to kiss you back

You had nothing to drink that night,
I had too many shots

I had a breakdown,
I needed to get out
I was trapped under you,
I said your girlfriend was my best friend

I said it wasn't right,
You didn't listen when I said no

You locked the door,
You wouldn't let me get my phone
You wouldn't let me see my friend,
You asked me if I loved you

You kept pestering me with questions,
I had to give you the answer you wanted

I cringed when you got close,
I stopped being able to breathe
I screamed through empty lungs,
I cried and cried and cried

I loved someone else,
You didn't care

"Inevitable. It was inevitable," you said.

It's all my fault.
All of this,
It's all because of me.

I loved you.
I thought you loved me,
But you didn't.

This pool of blood next to me,
is all my fault.
All. My. Fault.

There was a knock on my door.
It was you.
Your blue eyes shined brightly at mine as they always did.

But now, the light is gone.
The shine in your eyes has vanished
And it's all my fault.

I let you in the house,
"Why are you here?" I ask.
You slam the door and lock it.

Nervously I ask,
"What was that for?"
Your eyes were dark.

You gripped my hand tightly,
you lead me into the bedroom,
You shoved me onto the bed.

My head slammed into the headboard;
Hard, but not hard enough.
My head spun.

I vaguely saw you undress,
"What are you doing?" my voice slurred
as you tore off my pants.

I tried to say, "Don't," but I couldn't muster a word.
I put my hands up to stop you
But there was no stopping you.

A moment later, you're on top of me.
You forced my wrists down
And caressed my neck with your lips.

I tried to move
But your grip was too tight.
I could feel your hands leaving behind marks around my wrists.

I tried to tell you to stop.
You were hurting me.
But my voice was gone.

My vision blurred in and out of focus.
You squeeze me tighter as you forced your way in.
I gasped, the pain was unbearable.

I have to do something
The woman in my head showed me a vision that I knew would make you stop.
No, not that. Anything but that.

All I could feel was pain.
All I could see was your blurred face contorting in sync with your body.
All I could hear was a loud ringing in my ears.

"Stop," I whisper.
"Stop it."
"Please."

Your mouth went back to my neck.
You kissed me.
You bit me, hard.

"Get off!" I said loudly.
I had finally found my voice.
"Stop it now."

You didn't stop
The pain didn't stop
With each ****** my head throbbed.

The pain was never ending.
Tears streamed down the sides of my face.
A loud, terrified scream pierced my ear drums.

It took a moment to realize, it was me.
Both sight and sound were suddenly clear.
With an edge to my voice, "I said stop."

I ****** my knee up and hit you.
You loosened your grip on me.
I broke my hand free and sucker punched you in the jaw.

You rolled off of me and I was already on my feet.
I started to run toward the kitchen.
You chased after me.

I found the knife block
And drew the first one I saw.
I turned around, knife in my hand, you stopped dead in your tracks.

"Calm down babe.
Don't get yourself all worked up.
We were just having fun."

"Fun?" I screamed.
"You call that fun?
I'll show you fun!"

Not again,
My eyes rolled back into my head.
She took over.

"You'll pay for this," she hissed.
She had complete control over my voice, my body.
Please know I couldn't stop her.

Don't hurt him
I tell her.
But she doesn't hear me.

She raised my hand that clutches the knife.
"Die you miserable *******," she screamed.
She brought the knife down deep into your chest.

No!
Stop it!
Don't hurt him!

It's too late.

Your body dropped.
You laid there motionless,
Blood pooled all around you.

She released her grip on me.
I gasped for air and
dropped.

I sit here now next to you.
I hug my knees to my chest
and rock back and forth.

"No.
Why?
This can't be real.

You didn't mean it.
You didn't mean it.
You loved me."

I gently touch the marks on my wrists.
I wince.
"You didn't mean it."

This is all my fault.
I should have tried harder to stop it.
She just tried to save me.

She didn't mean it.
She can't help it.
You didn't mean it.

It's my fault you're dead.
I couldn't stop you.
I couldn't stop her.

She is just a part of me.
I needed help.
She was stronger.

You didn't mean it.

****
Yes I said it
Because **** isn't Voldemort
He who shall not be named
And I'm not a victim
I'm not ashamed
I can say ****
And talk about it too
**** isn't a bad word
**** is Bad to do
The word **** didn't take away what was mine
The word **** didn't "forget" to ask this time
The word **** didn't make me take a hot shower because
God I feel gross
I feel like I'm a ****
I feel like it's all my fault
I feel like **** didn't do that at all
**** is a word that people
Who haven't been forced to do something I said no to
Tip toe around
Because "****"  might be a trigger word
When I say ****
Why do your eyes fall down
Why did my mom teach me to yell
Fire!
Instead of ****
I feel like you can see a fire
But you can't hear my fate?
Why is **** such a bad word
Can we talk about **** the way that we should

Don’t superlike me, you’re not getting my attention, you’re just making me mad.
You didn’t fight for me back this time, you accepted that I needed space and you’ve been kind enough to give it to me, but I don’t think you realize what you’ve done.
I tried to trust you again, I gave you a second chance, which I swore to myself I was done doing.
Then when I found myself in your bed crying because you got mad at me because I didn’t want to have ***, I knew I needed to leave.
Why? Because my body is my right. If I don’t want to have *** you can’t get mad and defensive, especially what happened after the last time.
You thanked me for trusting you again after you did what you did, but I don’t think you realize what you did can be considered as assault.
You blatantly ignored everything we had talked about regarding anxieties. So you most definitely CANNOT have “mental health advocate” in your tinder bio IF YOU DISREGARD ANYONE ELSES BUT YOURSELF.
I know you’re going through your own stuff too, but that doesn’t make me a toy you can play with when you want.
If you want to talk, you know how to reach me, and I’ll listen.
But superliking me isn’t the way to do it.

Sept 24th, 2017

In the midnight hours, my neighbour is hosting a party. And I... was in my bedroom watching "The Walking Dead" on Netflix.

In the room next to mine, I hear shouting in the streets and out my window I see the flashing of lights.

2 cop cars on my block.

The night is not young, but look at all these young people in it.

I analyze the voices outside my window, as I watch 3 young boys gather in my driveway.

Wearing dark clothing, CHECK.
Group movement, CHECK.
Overuse of the word "****", CHECK.

And I am praying for them to leave my driveway and they do.

And I migrate to the next room, slightly open the window and listen for more of these people. It's too dark outside for me to see much but the colour of their hair, and the backpacks or purses the brought with them.

They are all gathering at one house, the cops are further down the street, so that all moved.

I used to hang out with the kid who lives at this house. My how things have changed.

Relax.

Go back to your show. And I did.

Later into the night, I hear through my headphones the shouting of a girl and I stop.

She and her what I assumed was her boyfriend just turned the corner and I slowly open my window.

I begin to analyze the situation.

Fighting teenage couple, Check
Probably intoxicated Check

She starts talking about some other guy.
He starts accusing her of cheating.
She gets in his face.
He gets in her face.

She says "I wouldn't do that because I ******* love you!" "And you're gonna make me walk home in the dark?!"

She gets in his face, he gets in her face....

BAM

She's on the ground.

He had forcefully shoved her into the pavement and she just...

Sits there.

In disbelief.

He says, "Yeah? HOW BOUT THAT!"

I don't know why it took so long to act, but I did.

Bolting into my kitchen, with my father up playing backgammon I tell him I just watched a guy shoe his supposed girlfriend in the road and he doesn't miss a beat.

He is out there in the middle of the night and he gets to that boy and I just stand in my living room, watching.

The windows on the first floor were closed so I couldn't hear a thing. But I could only pray that this boy did not carry a blade, or a gun, or the wrong words to my father's throat.

I ran up to my bedroom, grabbed my old cap gun and heard the boy say, "Hey man I don't hit my ******* woman!"

And I went downstair thinking to myself I don't know if my dad is sure to return to this house alive.

I just watched a girl suffer battery, I did not need to see my father die today.

And nobody can tell cap guns are fake when you're buzzed at 2 in the morning so yeah, I was scared.

But wait....

I see my father shake the boy's hand, give him a bro hug...

And send him off.

And when he came back into the house I hugged him and I wasn't exactly keen on letting go.

He told me that he had sent the boy in the opposite direction of his girlfriend.

It turns out she had already walked down the block by the time he had gotten outside.

It is 2:25 AM

After a talk about what happened, I went back to watching "The Walking Dead on Netflix".

And I can only hope that girl was not also walking dead.

My father is a good man.
Even after all that.

He still went back to play more backgammon.