this feeling of rage enters my soul
I want to be one of those people I see in the news
and irrationally beat up this man
it's not even irrational

how the **** did men get the agenda that they can touch women
get away with it like a kid gets away with food on their face
on one it's endearing, on another it's ******* assault
we're helpless
we're broken down
we're defeated
we shout into the void, waiting for an answer

nothing comes.
you learn to **** it up.
you learn to avoid that devil's company.
you lose faith in humanity.

Brunette monster at 5'8", my dreams are haunted by your pretty
face
Trace lines upon my neck with teeth so sharp I can't think straight
I remember how you looked with those dark dead eyes and your trembling skin
You forced apart my legs; I had no choice but to accept you in
You rearranged my insides through the space between my pale white thighs and
now i have to realize that the game you played I couldn't win
I screamed for you to stop but my cries fell on ears- not deaf, just didn't care
And I remember how my neck cracked when you reached to grab ahold of my blonde hair
What'd I do to you? Why hurt a girl who loved you like I did?
I was your everything before you made me nothing in my bed
I wish I'd listened to the warning signs that I first saw in you
You've left a mark upon me- it's the ugliest, invisible tattoo

One shot,  two shot, three shot,  four  
He sat by sipping his beer,  egging me on
As I attempted to show off my high alcohol tolerance
But ***** doesn't sit well on an empty stomach

Not much time later I asked for food
Which was delayed due to a shortage of effort on his part

When I asked for water  
I was told they didn't have cups

And when I asked for a sober drive they said they would call
But the phone was never picked up

After a while I begged for something  
Anything
To calm my stomach
As they ushered me to the kitchen I could feel it all
I vomited all over the floor
And myself
They laughed it off
"It happens to the best of us"
They said
as though demeaning yourself to that level
was the same as tripping over your shoelaces

When we got back to the room
My head went heavy and my memory became dark
I layed my head on the couch
On when I opened my eyes again my friend
Who was there to keep me safe  
Was 22 shots in
Yes 22 shots
We asked for a ride again but  
"The party was just beginning"
I refused to move so when he offered me  
A night to sleep on his couch  
All I could think was that I liked not having to move
I watched my friend being dragged away by his frat brothers
When my eyes opened again
He was on the couch cuddled up to me
I wanted nothing more than some space to breathe
But couldn't find the words
To express my want for him to leave
When he whispered sweet nothing's in my ear
I realized it was truly time to go
I managed to pick myself up
And asked for a ride home
But "it would be hours before the sober got there"
I stated that I could walk back on my own
But I was informed that it was a poor decision
Because I was a woman and drunk and alone
He said he would figure something else out and left the room
My eyes closed again and I remember being pulled off the couch and pushed up into a bed
And soon he was laying next to me
I just wanted it to be over
And I was past the point of control
I gave up and tried to fall asleep
But then his hands wrapped around me
And slowly moved across my body
I didn't move.  
He reached his hand inside my pants
And I was in shock  
I said stop but it was too quiet
He didn't hear or maybe choose not to
I said it again and his hand pulled away but stayed on my skin
It went blank again

In the morning he drove me home

“Just as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into.”
You forewarned me, so I guess it was really my fault that I ended up so lonely.
“
We never had a reason to hang out in the first place.” You said

So I guess those past months of interest were all in my head? 

“I had no idea what was going on ‘till this morning…I just wanted to make you happy…I’m sorry…”

But you couldn’t even keep your word.
Never mind the things I heard. 

You were unreliable from the start, but I ignored the warnings to follow my heart.

Like when you said,

“I promise he’s not a dangerous person…”

But how would you know?
You were drunk…
passed out…
worthless.

When he leaned in to kiss me and I said no and tried to push him away.
“
You’re in my ******* house” he spat and pushed down so I couldn’t escape.

Clasped his hand over my mouth,

I couldn’t let a single word out.

Pulled down my dress and put his hand on my chest, 

Until I managed to reach my hand down , 
Pull out my mace, then he freaked out.

I tried to wake you up, but you just mumbled and stayed slumped.

I was so scared. 

And you couldn’t do anything even though you were right there. 

…

I don’t know how I feel about redemption, how anyone can do such vile things and claim it wasn’t their true intention? 

“He says he’s sorry and he didn’t mean to come off that way…” 
That’s ******* *******, I should have knocked him in his god-forsaken face.

“You’re a ******* brat. I know you hate him, but that’s my brother, and as much as you’re worth, you can’t try to act reasonably justified in tearing a family apart.”

When you said that, just know you ripped a hole in my heart.

Do you feel it?
Do you feel my rotting soul?
Do you even remember the tight skin
splitting at the seams when you looked
at it? I'm lying underneath the cold,
dark sheets with black lines shifting
beneath my surface which twist
themselves into a deep haze
and force my head under the water.
Your hands of ice trail and burn
their way across my mind and tear
their way through my ripped
paper body before I bolt upright
to the sound of your rattling breath
quickly fading into the slow night.

Where am I? It's like home
but it's so dark,
so dark and so empty.
I can still see the temporary tattoos
of your fingerprints on my flesh,
the nausea pooling within me,
my tense body screaming
for you to get away from me.
The way you heard another word
as my lips spelled out "No."
Now you sleep wondering
where you went wrong
and I lie awake wondering
what the hell gave you the right
to tear apart my flesh
with manipulative hands. I am only
half a woman.
The other half of my flesh
is swarming with searing
hot agony, agony which is quiet
and shows itself
in wild, trauma-worn eyes
and a drowning
heart. I should feel
angry but I only have vacancy,
and my mind is filled
with nothing except the dust
you left in my bones
once the cold, loveless
touch had left my body.