Remmy 4d

There's a sensation in my clitoris
It's annoying and raw
They tell me it's just cause I have to pee
But to me it's all wrong
It associates itself with hands on my thighs
With unwanted whispers in my ear
With a finger in me
A finger that is not mine

There's a sensation in my clitoris
That makes me feel unsafe
It makes me want to chop it off so I never feel again
It makes me leave my body
It makes me never want to come back
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to die

I've been having dissociative episodes, we think it's because I was raped at some point in my life but can't remember it
Remmy Oct 11

My arm is wrapped in white
My arm is covered in red hard things
My nails and my arms don't get along
They battle a lot
My arm hardly ever wins

I've been struggling with scratching lately
Remmy Oct 8

I wrote a note
No
I wrote the note
The note of notes
The final note
Well what was supposed to be the final note
I was in the tub
The last tub
With a blade
The blade
Against my wrist
The right wrist
Because the left is the second wrist
But my note
The note
Wasn't printed out
It was still on my phone
How can you write a note
The last note
And not know that it will be seen
So I wrote the note
The last note
And now I have a chance to write more notes
So what do I do with the last note

I wrote my suicide note 2 weeks ago and almost killed my self, now I'm in treatment and I don't know what to do with it
Remmy Sep 22

Can I kill myself?
I don't know can you?
May I kill myself?
Were you not taught any manners?
May I please kill myself?
Yes dear, go ahead.

if I ask nicely enough maybe I will get permission
  Sep 19 Remmy
Grace Darling

sometimes i feel too much
sometimes i feel too little
i wish i could stay in that happy place
that lies right in the middle

when i feel too much
it's a torrent of emotion
a downpour of epic proportion
and i pray for it to end

yet when it does i don't feel enough
i'm numb, frozen, depressed.
I then pray for this to end
and i'd do anything to feel again

so i'm stuck in this happy limbo
never feeling quite right
like goldilocks in the three bear's house
i can't sleep at night

Remmy Sep 16

Why can't you hear me
Why won't you listen
Why won't you pay attention to me
Why do you ignore me
Why do you hate me
Why do you despise me
Why do you love me
Why do you care so much
Why do you want me to stay alive
Why do ignore me
Why do you not care enough about me
Why don't you pay attention to me

Remmy Sep 16

Why do you go in the water at night doesn't it scare you
Why yes it does
But that's why I love it
It's the one time I'm afraid for a reason other people are too
And along with the fear I feel relief
Relief from wanting to kill myself
Because while I'm in this dark black water with no moonlight
If I were to die it wouldn't be my fault
It wouldn't be because I slit my wrists it wouldn't be my fault
It would be because I drowned on accident
Or a shark came and ate me
Or I died of pneumonia
They wouldn't write in my obituary that I struggled and eventually committed suicide
They would write what an amazing kid I was and that God took their little angel away too soon
Just for a while my death isn't on my shoulders
So yes I am afraid but I'm also liberated

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