To the girl I wrote the song for:

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said what I did over the February break. Sometimes too much truth is just as deadly as one lie. And maybe that's what shot your silence across the ocean.

Even though you told me I shouldn't be sorry for the way I did things, I will continue to to apologize for everything I did. And if I have one request for your next decision, I can only hope that you don't hate me.

Because I can't forgive myself for what happened.

To the girl who watches TV with me:

I'm sorry.

My impulsive behaviour on that March night was my fault.
I knew what I was doing, I knew people would get hurt, and I did it anyway.

I will admit, the rush was not the worst thing in the world. But it came with too many consequences.

So please, with every episode of a TV show that we both enjoy, just remember that we will never be what we were.

...And I will never let you be sorry.

To my brother:

I'm sorry.

You were the first person to find out what happened and I asked you to keep me safe by keeping my secrets in your chest. I prayed you wouldn't let the words fall from your heart, I begged you not to tell our parents.
I shouldn't have put that kind of weight on your conscience.

To my parents:

I'm sorry.

Telling you what happened was the hardest thing for me to do. But I can only hope that I haven't lost all of your trust because of what happened.

To the bodyguard:

I'm sorry.

Actually.... you are the person I really don't want to apologize to. But I am still sorry.

Mostly for my actions and because what I did hurts the person you love most, and that I can accept that as my fault. I know somewhere in your soul, you hate me. And that's something you and I have in common.

But I can live with you never forgiving me. Because you are just here to protect the people you love. And I am sorry I threatened your comfortable life. I didn't plan on hurting anyone... but I did.

Just promise me this:

Be good to her.

Because if you don't do that...
Then what the hell are you doing?

To myself:

I cannot be sorry for you.

I can promise you that these next few days will be some of the most painful. And to a point, I am too much of a ******* to care. You will want to punch brick walls and bleed for your mistakes. You will want a perfect stranger to beat you close to death and walk away like it's no big deal.

You will want to apologize every single day until you blow out your vocal chords. *You will want to suffer.

But you will not cry.
You will believe that crying is not worth it.
You will choose to be silent, you will choose to become numb to all of your pain. And I will not be sorry for you.

I will never be sorry for you.

But I will tell you that you are not going to feel this forever.
So do me a favour and walk.
Walk with your regrets and live on.
Work for your trust back, and maybe then you'll have a chance to start over.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

I Will Apologize
             Everday
      For the rest of This Life
         That I could not paste together
Your broken pieces
       or
        Brighten the darkness
              That haunts the spaces behind
Your eyes*
                      That's all I ever *Meant to Do

if earning your trust back required a personal statement from me
and i was seeking admission back into the corner of your sofa of which you sat opposite me

and all i had was 250 words to make you feel something again

i'd say things like i ****** up (but maybe in more academic language??)
and i've been working hard to better for myself, and better for you
and that you taught me things i couldn't learn in a university

love would be in there more times than necessary, but i wouldn't let anyone edit them out because it's true

i love you, and i don't want to be limited,
even though the first time i cut myself off
and i dropped out
and i lost you

i hate word counts because they're just not enough
so i hope these words count

i'm sorry

I'm sorry
I want to
Talk to you
I really do
But I can't
It hurts
Too much

I'm sorry
I want to
Talk to you
I really do
But I can't
It reminds of
Things that I'm
Trying not to feel

I'm sorry
I want to
Talk to you
I really do
But I can't
I'm not
Ready

I'm sorry...

now that i've forgiven you
it's time for me to apologize
for putting you on that pedestal
that was so very high
it hurt when you fell off.

A vision of black,
Heads bowed,
Women weep as he's lowered into the ground.
His mother cried,
So did I,
People couldn't help but sigh.

The rain flowed beneath our feet,
Into the ground where he would retreat,
A place as hollow as hell,
Where he would never  fit in well.

I look down at my arms,
Scarred and scorned,
I feel responsible for his death,
to his parents I apologise,
I wish to join him;
Every single day,
In the ground,
Where he lay.

I’m sorry
I wear my body like an apology
I’m sorry
I take up so much space
I’m sorry
I speak quietly
Or not at all
Because my voice takes up so much space
And what if someone else wants to talk?

I’m sorry
I push you away
And I’m sorry
I’m insecure
And I’m sorry
I apologize so much.

the seed
nestled in the safety
of the soil
enveloped by pressure
looks upward and hopes to grow

slowly
inching
further
the seed charts its course
each step
feeling the weight of earth
pressing downward

as it breaks
the green exposed
the world pushes back
"am i not supposed to see the surface?"
the seedling asks itself
confused and shamed
shunned
it retreats

it tries again
asking forgiveness for its persistence
minimizing its existence
struggling to fit into cracks already exposed
rather than forge them anew

slithering through
the path forces it farther away
it reaches the top
but here there's no sun

angry
the seedling wonders why
she must say sorry in order to grow
and that her dreams are cause for apologies

Stupid, awful tears
Won't stop threatening to fall.
Out of fear that either I ****** up
Or I'm just not being quick enough on the uptake.

Not like that ******* matters.
There's this weird feeling of being
Disappointed with myself.
I should have quarantined myself
For the day
No food
No sleep
Leaves me sad and angry,
Touchy and easily upset.

I want to sleep
So maybe I can dream of you instead of
Experiencing the cold that is in my bones.

But I love you,
And I'm sorry
Because my eye lids feel like lead
And I miss you.

You asked what you're going to do with me,
I said keep me around,
You jokingly said "I don't know..." I think.

But my heart suddenly panicked,
Please don't take it back. Don't put me back.
And I'm not doubting you, but boy, do I doubt me.

**** sleeping tonight,
I'm going to sleep now.
I hope you're sleeping well,
And know that I love you and I'm sorry.

I know you'll tell me not to apologize,
But I have to because I want to be in your arms rather than shivering on this couch.

The worst knowledge is
The way I might feel when I
Realize all that

Lives hidden inside
Of my heart will never be
Expressed. I do hope

You might forgive me
For this, my most human, flaw.
My apologies.