it is what you most fear, your reoccurring nightmare, the thing you can not grasp, understand, that shorts your brain, that death is the end, there is no after life, no purpose to your existence, no just god sitting on a throne, dispensing justice, punishing the evil, rewarding the good. reality is too hard and harsh, you pray to god, is it true, you are more my creation than i am yours.

how do you reconcile the fact that you know so deep down inside is true. you lie to yourself, suppress the fear, repress the thoughts, ignore what you see with you own eyes. the fear rises, the anxiety worsens, the insomnia lengthens, you fall prey to cognitive dissonance. to understand is to forgive, the anger, the irrational behavior.

the idea that you are mortal is unbearable, that you will die, your flesh rot, and be forgotten. how any man can make sense of it and live, court, marry, have children, when the world has spun out of control, the three horses are here. the pale horse is coming, it will soon be time to die.

The whole universe paused
Oh Jeune Homme,
What have you done?

Your eyes reflected a picture
of how Proxima Centauri held its feeling no longer;
It exploded!
Into trillion heaps of wonders
it shattered
And it seemed like the sky is falling
That even the earth stood still wondering
But why did you not flinch at all?

Though on your chest I felt the great vibration
Of Mount Vesuvius fulminating once again;
Getting rid of all its innards and pain
As if trying to turn us into ashes
And for that my heart beat races

But you were smiling instead-
looking at me in the eyes and said
"Not a single mountain had erupted,
and not a single star had exploded.
Jeune fille, you're just in love."

-8/4/19-

Skyscrapers broke
And the oceans drained away.
Mountains crumbled
And night never turned to day.

Don’t walk into the shadows, for they are too deep.
You might slip through the floor and into the sea
Where the Golden King now lies,
Watching the end go on by.

As around us spun the star-filled void,
I spoke to a man whose own fate he avoids
By standing outside of the Garden’s gate
And leaving us all to our ill-bound fate.

Together we watched the world that existed below
Slowly turn to the end we all know
That dwells deep within the sun,
An all-consuming fire that no ship can outrun.

Our souls are tied to the light of the moon,
Because the sun swallowed the world too soon,
And left the oceans baked red
And burnt everything green to black and dead.

On top of the sea in that star-filled void,
The King watched as humanity was surely destroyed.
Inch by inch, they fought to not give
To the bubbling sun that ate all of its terrestrial kin.

With a cruel, unholy smile
He turned to me after a long while,
And asked if this death was truly my fate
Or if I wanted his power to tear down God’s Gate.

On top of the world and at the end of it all,
I met a golden King who was the creation of Gods and the heir to their fall.
Neither of us could help it when I took his hand
And, with what was left of the world, made our last stand.

The silence which would come after
the breaking of that seal
was my babe in her being;
The dreading and the awe; The christening in God’s grand ritual.
She stands at the mouth of this awful plan
My babe, handing the trumpets with solemn apathy.

   And the rivers of blood are my babe,
       And the plagues that punish are my babe

And nothing comes of begging,
Of pleading for some undeserved mercy
Because my babe is the birth,
and my babe is the end.

My babe is the wing, the fall doused in sleep
And the euphoria of sin, ephemera of earth
The dying and rising of the tides, their gentleness and their bringing.
The silence and the peace as it turns to blood;
The wave’s wine-loved singsong.

My gentle lover, who held my hand and led me into the waters.
My muddied huntress
who would **** the woodland babes
with dagger and ruthless compassion
to feed me rabbit stew
those sickly nights.

God, God, Were you not all merciful and good?
Release her from your taking,
Drop her from your unforgiving claws,
You; Beast of my life, Slithering King.
There is no end truer than that which you’ve done to me–
Your measly bringing of the end times
shines dim beside the fires of my grief.

Take me to the end of the earth,
Take me into your everlasting loving
My sun, chosen thing of God
who looks at me from a dark cloud;
My babe, In her solemn apathy,
My babe, In the quiet glistening of
her wet cheek.

O Lover, full of grace,
Death servant and God-taken;

       I’ll die. I’ll die.

    My babe, the Lion.
  My babe, the Lamb.

See that little girl?
No not that one,
She’s dead.
/The one thats walking/
Walking through the city.
/Could you call it a city with no
People?/
Small and cute as a
Button
/no more important either/
Blond hair
Blue eyes
/****** would have been proud/                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
Tattered dress
Scuffed shoes
/nice ones though, rich kid/
Can you hear her?
/’course not, their to far away/
Crying
Noisy tears
/foolish girl/
Blubbering like a fat walrus
/face scrunched up like one/
Can you smell the blood?
The smoke?
The ash?
/the radiation/
See, some things happened
Some bad things.
/Real bad/
People say there used to be
Faith
Hope
/food, shelter, water/
But we know they're lying
/*******/
How could
Could anyone be that
Stupid
/stupid, so, so, stupid/
To lose
That?

/Who?/
Who?
Look, now
She’s looking for food
/clever girl, maybe there’s hope for her yet/
Digging through
Trash
/That’s right, stick hands right in that dustbin/
Shame
/Real,shame/
She won’t starve, that would have been slow
/But not as painful/
No not nearly as painful as
Radiation.
/****** that is./
Oh!
/Ah!/
She’s stumbled
tripped on a
Body
/A small one at that/
Fallen, she’s scraped
Her knees.
/ooh, don’t you worry baby girl daddy will kiss it better/
Will he?
Doubtful
/Oh, my mistake he’s dead./
There all dead.
/I remember now, they did it didn’t they?/
Pressed all those
Red
Buttons
/Will she get up?/
I hope she does
/Hope/
Hope is for
Before
/Now’s after/
See that little girl?
/Yeah! Yeah I see her! I see her!/
She’s
/standing up!/
She’s standing up!
/She’s WALKING/
Isn’t she amazing?
/That little girl/
The world is dead.
/Her parents are dead/
She deserved.
/Deserves/
Don’t start getting hopeful on me now!
/She stood up!/
She deserved to live.
/NO./
She deserved more.
/NONONONONO/
But in the end.
/NONONONONONONONO/
They got her anyway.
/No./
Yes.
/No/
Yes

"When you encounter a mountain lion, be vocal; however, speak calmly and do not use high pitched tones or high pitch screams"--California Dept. of Fish and Wildlife

Be vocal, but avoid high pitched tones and screams
when a mountain lion appears on your path.
Remind yourself that it’s not a  dream.

If the path goes down to a flooded stream,
and bodies float by--
stay calm;  avoid high pitched tones and screams.

When you go to the store and there’s no milk or cream,
as the cows are sickened  from a poisoned well,
remind yourself that it’s not a dream.

If the wildfire turns your hot tub to steam,
as you run down the street to your neighbor’s car
be vocal, but avoid high pitched tones and screams.

When the weather goes to another extreme,
and mudslides cover another town,
remind yourself that it’s not a dream.

When the fisherman catches no salmon nor bream,
and there’s no more coffee, nor chocolate ice cream,
be vocal, but avoid high pitched tones and screams.
Remind yourself that it’s not a dream.

What am I? I am a woman.
A woman fully equipped with an understanding that can only be achieved through exposure to atomic *******. After twenty-eight years of familiarity with the follies of man, I’ve grown. I’ve grown into wisdom, I’ve grown as a mother, sister, daughter.
I’ve also LITERALLY grown. I’m an eighty foot tall spectacle.

For the ****, abuse, **** pics, war, objectification, toxicity, and laws of MAN, I arise from the depths. My frame paints a terrifying silhouette against the sunset streaked horizon.
I am an atomic monstrosity, a giantess hellbent on conquering YOUR world: to rampage is an understatement.
Donning a crown of destruction, with massive hands dripping in palpable carnage, I am a disastrous threat to YOUR society.

Run for your lives, mother *******. We are all transforming. Women are GROWING in 2020. We are gnashing, stomping, fire breathing vehicles of YOUR apocalypse. We brought you into this world, surely we can take you out. You done ****** up.

Collectively, we are making our debut. You won’t know it until we’re looking down on you. Most will be eaten, some will be spared (you know, not “ALL” guys). Your tiny lifeless bodies will litter in the streets, but only for the day—
It’s a new dawn, and we she-monsters clean up our ******* messes.

do you like to worship yourself
better than worshiping anyone else?
do you look at any glass
except the ones that show yourself?

haven't you heard?
the towers have fallen!
haven't you heard
That towers can fall?

and then, just when
I thought I had seen it all...

i found myself sitting in a different
                                     room
  it looked like a palace
                         but it was a tomb
  like a bleeding, barren womb
  like a child born far too soon
       and it was dark
       and i was scared
       and adults were gathered in a far-off room

and there were things in there with me
that the adults couldn't see
and they were dark and they were small
with the sharpest little teeth

I'VE LOST SOMETHING
something's been taken!
they tore something out of me
     i knew the moment
     i awoke
     and saw the daylight flee

do you paint pictures of food
to donate to starving children?
do you max out your credit card
to profit off God's business?

the towers
shining like mirrors
we see our reflection
   then all is just shattered
   then all that once mattered
   is a column of smoke in the wind
        and angels descend
        from mansions pretend
        to caverns below
        where old Titans stow
                  away
     awaiting the day
      that Chaos will arrive
      their savior
and swallow Earth and its deepest recesses
and them along with it all
   and Vishnu sleeps
   on the endless serpent