I’ve never been good at asking for what I need

when I do, I fight myself every step of the way

it doesn’t seem to come out right—
or maybe I just don’t say the right words

maybe I’m not being seen or heard

is there a misunderstanding,
or do I feel misunderstood?

I don’t know—
maybe it’s all in my head

what I do know is that I don’t have the energy
to fight to be seen

maybe I’m just being dramatic

maybe I feel rejected

I don’t know if that’s sensitivity, or if my feelings are actually valid

I feel a missed bid for connection

I feel as if I am giving more than I am receiving

at times, it feels as if there’s no reciprocity

I desire, want, and need
to not feel so alone with another human being

I don’t know if I’m being irrational with this,
or dismissive to myself

I have an intense want to avoid and withdraw

I don’t know if I’m just being sensitive

I just wanted ten minutes of time, and it seems as if there’s no time at all

I expect myself from others
and let myself down when I don’t receive that

maybe I have unrealistic expectations of others

maybe I am asking for too much

maybe I am just being sensitive.

Peace and Tranquility is what existed before you came
But you stepped in once more
Making my heart create chaos with every rapid heartbeat
Leaving me indecisive between my fragile heart and wise mind every step of the way
You leave me ambivalent, conflicted, entangled within a cobweb of emotions and thoughts
Contradicting one another and tearing me apart

I'm ambivalent
Ambivalence is the state
Wherein a person is torn
Between two opposing decisions

Will I stay or Will I go?
Will I laugh or Will I cry?
Will I live or Will I die?

Torn between two opposing decisions
That can cause me my life
These are questions I ask myself
Everyday...

I'm ambivalent...

In a bed of cosmic stars
I floated on the winded lake
lighted as the thunderstorm rolled
holding peace as a new born babe
so close that no one snatches it away

Now in a bridge waving
the passersby as they sink
to that very bed of green grass
where locusts escape the evil
eager shores that kiss and appease
that very spark of tranquility
the quietness of the resolved soul
where my feet pace to finish a race
the life wire of ambivalence
at the door where it all makes sense

In bed with the cosmic stars
I live unknown and invisible
the underlay of my natural matter
where I exist as a mere human being
estranged to the world and it's effects

I can't even tell if I've really gotten over you or I'm just numb to the fact that I've not forgotten you

i am ambidextrous – i can count how many times you’ve hurt me on both hands and i am ambivalent, i love you but i hate you

there is a certain ambience i recall in flashbacks and unspoken memories, however it fades as quickly as my smile when your name is mentioned

there is so much ambiguity in your eyes when you gaze at me – i stopped marvelling over you and your thoughts and instead marvelled over myself

who am i, without you? what am i, without you?

i am a life of ambition
you are a life of indifference

the mindset that you bring to it
the taste of your thoughts
a lick would slide down your throat
like a fish headed back to
water