Together, let's paint our future in blood,
And intertwine our veins.

Why are you turning back?
I have you now; I'm not letting you go away.

Feel my knife etching my initials in your skin
And gaze at the marks from my bites.

A perfect doll for my collection,
You are forever mine.

I'm not one to associate with jealousy,
I just decapitate anyone who glimpses your way.

Now, now; no need to worry,
There's nothing physically wrong with my brain.

It's just that your tormented shrills just turn me on,
That I'm addicted to indulging in your soul.

The way your eyes represent an abyss of fear,
Your skin loses warmth and turns frigid cold;

And the flow of crimson rivers cascading down your flesh
When the pain is more than you can endure,

Makes me want to keep you in my chamber,
With your limbs chained to the floor.

Put my throat at the end of a knife,
Torture all your critics until they die,
Face the punishment in the afterlife,
All for you, accept my sacrifice.

Paint the walls crimson with my blood,
Decorate my skin with scars and cuts,
**** somebody with an accidental shove,
For you are the one I love.

Stick needles in my brain,
Even if it drives me insane,
Demolish the people in your way,
This untouched skin I want you to trace.

Somehow, I don't care if you don't do the same for me,
Just kiss me for a while until you leave;
You can't escape me anyway, honey,
Because I'll be stuck haunting in your dreams.

I love you but,
I will make you jealous and cry
I will make you feel weak,
Crazy,
Insecure,
Unbareable but,
I love you

"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."

These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.

I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.

I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.

No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.

He did all of this.

I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.

Thank god for my click.

you’re supposed to be, be on my side
even when I’m wrong, and always when I’m right
but never were you there
fighting me at every turn acting like a mother,
never as my significant other
i can’t be with someone who treats me like I’m two
i guess thats what a baby face will get you

then it went too far, that long day in the car.
you picked a fight, i was not surprised
it just another day in paradise.
you ****** the wheel and pulled to side of the highway
all to reach over and place your hands around my neck. i tried to scream but the sound couldn’t escape.
i decided that day i could no longer be in this place with you
i can’t be with someone who treats me like I’m two
i guess thats what a baby face will get you

i would lay in bed most nights and think a lot. it happened when i was wondering what the hell i was doing. why i was still here. i thought of every last terrible thing i allowed others to do to me. how i forgave, again and again. how much hurt i further allowed. how deeply i knew that i was being treated badly but i still chose to not walk away.
i wanted to hug myself. i wanted to sob. i broke my own heart more than others ever had for me. it took me so long to realize how emotionally unattached i truly was from myself. how not one drop of self-love existed. except on these nights, when the full realization would hit me, and i would weep for myself. over every last terrible thing i endured and accepted. the future mistreating i was currently allowing, and would allow to continue.
i lived in such shadow of myself that it took years to realize i was good. that though i hate myself, i never deserved any of that. i am good.
i lay here some nights with burning eyes and wetness upon my cheeks. breaking my own heart over and over thinking of everything. knowing i still don't have the strength to completely walk away. is this how i am going to live? in constant emotional turmoil and self-inflicted abuse? is this all i am? all that i ever have been? am i just going to remain miserable, allowing them to keep hurting me?
i wanted to hug myself. i began to somewhat love myself, i guess. no one will ever break your heart as much as yourself.

Is Love...
Exposing bodies to be able to feel another's sweaty chest, swollen lips, sticky ***, and ragged breath?
Falling out of reality through colorful clouds until you pass out on the side of the road convulsing from an overdose?
Tending to the bruises and cuts given the night before while promising to never do harm again?
Wasting thousands of dollars on expensive toys and new fake bodies only to be unwanted years later?
Playing with the bodies of others while deceiving the one person who gave it their all?
Laying inside of strong arms and finally being able to feel safe and secure, even if only for a short while?
Waking up every day where the only contentment found is in visiting a gravestone that contains memories of a whole life lived?
A newborn child, with its bliss innocence of the cruel world it has been born into?
Being able to speak the 3 worded and 8 lettered phrase aloud?

i have this bad case of emotional abuse
honestly, all it does for me is serve to amuse
because have you ever let something so stupid happen?
all you can do is laugh at yourself for allowing it
i am the one hurting myself -
you you you
you've given me a bad case of emotional abuse
(and i let you)

A hunger for something
Anything
The child turns towards her mother
I'm hungry
A mother walks away from her child
You ate this morning
Because a piece of bread
At 8 am
Was supposed to be a reminder
Of what a great mother she was.
With only a baby doll and a box
The child continues playing
As her stomach slowly eats itself
While the mother goes out
To smoke the grocery money
And cry about her incarcerated love.

And again
We see why our world
Is killing itself.