I want to take off my body,
Like a used lingerie.
I don't want it anymore,
I feel too empty nor valuable.

I want to change who am I,
To begin anew.
For every damage that can't be undo,
For all those nights that I cried.

Too afraid to close my eyes,
Having angst that the memory of you will chase me.
I feel remorse for myself,
For letting you dig inside me,
For being too shabby for my self,
And for letting you ruin my life.

My life.
My life not yours.
From the time you had me,
You never once think of my life.
It was all about you, it was all about your desires.
It was all about your happiness, your thirst for mine.

Of what you did to me,
It will always haunt me.
The remains of you inside me,
Were a nightmare,
A nightmare that chases me,
A stranger who have no clue of who I am,
But still continue to plunge his desires on me.

I am writing this not just to seek for your sympathy,
I want you to understand.
How to be empty,
to be lost,
to be disgusted
and to be the topic of town,
and to be me.

-

shn 6:7-16

People notice
They just choose not care
Cameras will not focus
No extra lens to spare
No
No extra lens to share
People kick you down when your at your lowest
Then complain life's not fair
The world we live in is ferocious
But I try not to let it get into my hair
Everyone's hard head like locust
Complain the rules are bogus
But push the good down the stair
People betray the kin who's closest
Then hate God when their hearts broken beyond repair
Stubborn Ignorance is the diagnosis
The world will never change I swear

Pure, sparkling orbs
Tiny feet dancing in circles
And a smile which stretched from ear to ear
All of these childish traits disappear

The innocent orbs which had sparkled with delight
Dulled at the end of the night
And the feet which trailed from room to room
Drooped down from her bed in gloom
And her smile, oh, that dazzling smile
Hasn't been seen for quite a while

What has stolen this girl's sense of curiosity?  
What has made her mobility a tragic disability?  
And what has made her smile turn into a frown?
This girl's world has turned upside down!

But from what you may ask?
She won't tell you no matter how much you press her
In defense, she puts on a mask
Collapsing from the pressure
Of feeling like everyone is watching her              
Expecting her to fail
But she tells herself she will prevail
Despite the fact that she was hurt
From wandering hands
She knows that God has plans
For even the most tortured of souls

I see you laying there
starving
sleep deprived  
yearning for a home  
Now of course if I see this
it's not something I'd condone
So I take you in and for once
love is the only thing your shown
But I guess too much love is infectious
My guards down I'm defenseless
As you grow sick
You grow expectant
of me
Of me cleaning your mind with my hand made disinfectant
Of me feeding you
Feeding you with a dish of my famous soul stew
Of me staying up till 4
Staying up because The thought of you asking
and me not having the perfect reply devours me to the core
Of me picking at myself
Picking at my skin to make sure that these arms you call your home are presentable
Of me being selfless
So selfless that I forget to eat and I won't rest because I feel inclined
I HAVE to give you the best
Of me trying to be name brand
Trying to be name brand because you've had enough cheap ones
and so I give you real because for once they will attack and we will remain strong standing hand in hand
But i guess even name brands wear out
Ive been trying to replace the worn pieces with out a doubt
Though
I have no help because of my reputation
I have to make the parts with my bare hands and imagination
Don't worry about me though
I'm done with this hell
My orphanage is going back on the market
Going for sell  
And if there's no one brave enough to step up to the plate then I guess I'll have to blow this house down on my own
It won't even be hard because I'm not like my brother who made his of stone
As I said from the beginning
I see you laying there
starving
sleep deprived  
yearning for a home  
Now of course if I see this
it's not something I'd condone
But baby now My walls are brittle
So I'll just cheer you on
"You got this! Been doing this since you were little."

***
That's all I hear
24/7 it's hurting my ear
Every discussion headed towards that direction
And Honestly it's in need of a Correction
Can't have a decent conversation
Patiently waiting for the vaccination  
Need to take a break
a vacation
Lose it at 12 and have a celebration
What's wrong with this generation
Acting like it's just normal recreation
What happened to love
What happened to looking up at the stars high above
It hurts
I'm seen as a tool
These boys they talk to me and they cut a fool
Not a day goes by that someone hasn't asked me to "come through" or "send nudes"
And Honestly I respect myself too much
You can look but don't touch
I don't understand why it's so hard for them to get it
These adolescents they're too hard headed
At first I liked the attention
But now all it causes is tension
Is it beyond your comprehension
I don't wanna rush into *** I wanna connection

I cant drown my demons because they swim. Diving into my every thought creeping into my mind.
Plunging and destroying all the hope
from my fragile heart.
They seep into my soul making it cold, dry, and now withdrawn...
Withdrawn from the outside world shutting everyone out my demons come out from dawn to dark.
These demons causing all these emotional scars and they left a mark. These demons constantly putting me through pain now I'm a recluse that has been misused and abused.
So, I'll be dammed if I let anyone in. These demons forbid my mind from being happy and I shall not dare challenge it because these demons still swimming are
already killing me
Torturing my everlasting existence
When will it ever end?

Flower petals and time cover my pain.
Being drawn to the dark side of your love.
And the sound of your voice drives me insane.
Why am I the one you’re neglectful of?

Broken promises equals broken trust.
You keep my heart but throw my love away.
I cry as you look at me with disgust.
You use and consume me with no dismay.

But I have to end our relationship.
I was once strong but now you’ve made me weak.
We can be no more, not even friendship.
You broke me apart, you pathetic freak!

Now I am empowered with ecstasy.
Love is reality not fantasy.

I am in so much pain that I can hardly see
But I don't want your sympathy
A poster of an abused to be
Just sing me a lullaby song
To distract me from all the things gone wrong
I just wanna curl into a little ball
To make the wind not as sharp from the fall

I don't want your sympathy
The only times you would look at me
The only way I would cry in pain
Was from the looks of those of shame
But I don't want your sympathy
Take it away or don't look at me

i said "i love you"
but you keep twisting my words
plunging them until they have no meaning
im depressed, misused, abused, and above all tired.  
god i wish i was dreaming

No matter how loud i scream it
"I LOVE YOU" you cant seem to grasp the passion behind it. ******* me over constantly
Now im sitting on floors staring at pill bottles imagining the possibilities and your the reason for this ****.
Will you be the death of me or my only way of tranquility?
Will you love me like you should or still have me wondering "what would"?

I said "I love you."
3 powerful words you'll always pretend not to hear.