it wasn't until i wanted to fix someone else that i realised i was broken.

Thee shall bleed
and seep through
the endless pitch black blanket
that will tuck in
the human race
in their beds tonight

I bet you think that the boy at Kindergarten will be your biggest problem. The only one in class who doesn't seem to like you. 10 years down the road and you'll realise that you were lucky to have friends at all. You love Math. I bet you never expected to cry yourself to sleep every night when you were 15. No, you thought you'd be popular and happy. You never thought that you wished you were dead  You never thought that you'd hate your body. You never thought that you'd have no friends but, **** happens, right? You have no friends. No one likes you. You feel like puking every time you look in the mirror. You know hate Math because it is more structured than your thoughts. You will wonder how you went from a girl full of love and hope to a girl full of hate and tears. But **** happens. And the way things are looking now, it's only going to get worse.

Tired little pug
doesn't even know
That on awakening
Her vivid dreams
will cease all

A text from a friend:* "When you die, will it matter whether you loved or hated? When the world does not exist, will it matter whether you lived a good life or sliced open your throat at fifteen?"

My friends all love philosophy
So forgive me if this seems a monstrosity
To say that the constant cut you feel
Is a wound that you can heal

(let me explain)

When you stab a knife into your heart
Tearing your own world apart
Because you can't bear that every day
You mean nothing to those worlds away

You will bleed out on the floor or sand
Gun or knife in your own hand
Hurt so much more than you thought you would
Then you're gone, darling, gone for good

(bear with me here)

Someone will find you, family or friend
Because if you're missing, who else would they send?
And I *promise you to the end of their days
They will walk around with an empty haze
Over their heart and mind and body and soul
Never forgiving themselves, always so cold
For not talking you out of it, for being too late,
And darling, let's get one thing straight

(Only you could every forgive them, and you're gone, aren't you?)

And pardon me if this sounds strange,
But there's one thing more that'll never change
A ghost of you will always be
In everything they touch, everything they see
Because those who loved you once and love you still
Have known you then and always will
And that little ghost will stab them in the heart
Whether they're near or far apart

(Who ever thought you could be haunted by a memory?)

And as for the love and of course, the hate
Let me take a moment to calculate
Because by the (very) young age of just fifteen
It is impossible, unheard of, completely unseen
For you to not have saved one life
Helped heal someone, brought them out of strife

(And you're so young. What about when you're thirty? Sixty? Ninety?)

And of course, there's that one person out there
That special someone, the one who infinitely cares
Let me ask this, did you ever think
That by killing yourself, in just a blink
You're taking that joy, happiness, and love
Only you could give or even dream of
Past, present, and future, you are the only one
Who could love like that and their heart won

(They will only ever have the chance to be content. Content is not the same as happy.)

So to my friends who love philosophy
Forgive me if this seems a monstrosity
But we aren't meant to matter to the universe itself
Humans are meant to matter to someone else
We mean so much more in all the little ways
Who cares if our name becomes a holiday?

(You are made up of little bits and pieces that make life worth living. Don't ever tell me that you don't matter.)

I feel my fingers searching for yours to interlock with
My ears waiting to hear you call my name
Eyes that look for your face in the crowd
There are nostrils that miss the scent of your cologne
A heart that longs for your reciprocated feelings

The way things were before

But all my fingers feel are my own bed sheets
I hear the crickets sing during midnight when I need you most
There is nothing in front of me but the wall
Creamy, dull, and empty
My nose can't smell a single odor
It is stuffed with mucus as I cry myself to sleep tonight
My chest is filled with needles
Aching, sore, and quite unbearable at the moment

Because I realized, my soul is searching for yours.

You are as bright as the sun, but my pupils will always dilate for you.