I vowed not to love you
But then you looked my way,

The minute your gaze held me
I knew there was no option but to stay.

oh sweet heart, how long have we been apart?
how long has it been since I held you in my hands?
how long has it been since I gave you the love I so freely give to others?

oh dear strength, where did I go wrong?
melted down, like butter on toast...was I ever truly strong?

where is the line between anxiety and security?
once so defined, but now so smudged...could happiness perhaps spare a nudge?

oh sweet self, where have you gone?
buried so deep, but I know you're still there...

Why is it that when you were thunder and I was lightening that I felt like we belonged together?
It was always just a game to you,
My heart and how I fell for what I thought was true,
I fell in love with you while the rest of the world slept,
I should've known that when the sun would rise away you would get,
So what is it that you would like to hear?
How loving you feels like you're stabbing my chest?
How when you smile at me it still feels like my lungs have lost any oxygen left?
How I will smile and make jokes and act like everything is fine,
When in reality, inside I beg and pray to hold myself in one piece,
Because that's how it is isn't it?
You always get to leave in peace while I'm left in pieces,
I didn't leave because I stopped loving you, I left because the longer I stayed, the less I loved myself,
You don't get to say our inside jokes and steal your secret glances,
You don't get to give me those smiles and be fine while inside I cry,
You don't get to leave me with always just enough to keep me holding on,
Because you pushed me over the edge,
You pushed the tears past my eyelids,
You pushed the gasps to breathe past my lips,
You pushed my heart to know what it's like to break,
You did that to the girl who loved you.

Do you ever hear a song and less than a minute in, you already know it’s going to be your favorite?
You were that to me.
And much like a song, from you I could not flee.
You were chords and melodies I had never thought of putting together: and you were beautiful all the same.
If only you knew the way your heartbeat has become my favorite sound.
And much like the song, I could listen to you over and over again and each time fall more and more in love.
Because in a world of chaotic noise, you were my lullaby.
I would forever hear you in bits and pieces of other songs,
I would hum your tune absentmindedly as I go down a street I once walked with you,
And if I ever forget, I am sure my mind will wander to the songs we once made and remember,
Remember the beats and sounds that brought me to you,
and even if the melody has faded or become outdated,
I will always want to press repeat.

Funny how you felt the need to cut me to make sure I could bleed,
God how wish I could've seen that you were not what I need,
But your eyes were a poison that seeped beneath my skin,
Killing me slowly not from outwards but within.

And oh the way you made my heart beat fast only quickened the speed of the venom,
It was over before it began and you wiped your hands of me the way mechanics get rid of their oil on denim,
You are proof that this world can change in an instant,
One moment so familiar and now we are just distant.

At first I thought that maybe it was me,
But then I realized that it's in a coward's nature to flee.

Maybe in a different time, place, or life,
we could have been together and not drowning in this strife,
But it is not the fate of fire to burn for forever,
Yet I thought that maybe we could beat the odds if we were really clever,
You cannot have a lover that is a star and not crossed,
You'll think you've found your way and when the earth shifts you'll be lost,
And if you know anything about the life of a star,
They burn brightest and then die as we watch helpless from afar.

It has finally hit me, something finally clicked,
Getting hurt and feeling pain is never something one picks,
There is a line between perseverance and insanity,
Yet letting go is not part of our human anatomy,
We fight, we bleed, and still struggle on,
But unknown to us it's a battle for which we are not armed,
Waking up from this dream now turned nightmare,
Cut the line and breathe in the untainted air,
Turn away from the past and face the sun's rays,
The day you move on my dear is today.

In your eyes I saw a promise that your soul could not keep,
I thought it was a hug until I felt the knife go deep,
I thought you were my air until I realized you were toxic,
But I was already falling and it was too late to stop it

I want you to break me piece by piece,
destroy my soul so that it extends from the west to the east,
Show me what it's like to be entrenched in infatuation,
Show me what it's like to gaze into eyes full of passion,

Bare me in ways that are more than just physical,
give me a love that is far from typical.

Are you really at peace when your breath matches mine?
slightly ragged, full of passion, or is it just lies?
Are your eyes full of romance or are you just trying,
to fill up the void to keep yourself from dying.
Are you in love with my smile like I am with yours,
or are you just lonely and deeply unsure.
Tell me the truth with both your body and mouth,
tell me the truth before this all goes south.

My pride is the one at fault in this situation,
My lips are laced with silence and resigned to damnation,
My heart is angry and beating so loud,
Thought my feet were planted solid but found it was just a cloud,
I'm lost between where I was and where I was going,
Surely the answer to this ignorance lies in just knowing,
But I'm realizing now that this world isn't for the strong,
It's a place for the people who won't admit when they're wrong,
Colossal damnation awaits at the pearly gates,
But the ones not to heaven but rather fancy estates,
I see now I've been searching in all the wrong places,
Looking into mirrors only to find unknown faces.

It breaks my heart to see how easy it is for you.

How is it so that my smile can be the answer someone has been looking for,
And the torture someone else has been running from?

When is it that mere infatuation becomes overwhelming damnation,
How can open eyes become so clouded?

Why is that after awhile the pain becomes something beautiful, a daily struggle we gladly bare,
When is it that we choose to sacrifice our happiness for another out of care?

You cannot blame someone for letting you fall when they warned you they wouldn't catch you,
These traps of love are ones we weave but in the end I'd be nothing without you.

Still waiting for the message that says we're okay,
But things in life don't tend to happen my way.

We make up reasons for why guys aren't chivalrous, or treat us like princesses.

We tell ourselves that it's because we should be empowered enough to make the first move, or that it's okay to chase after him because he's "secretly" into us and just needs us to make it clear because he's afraid or timid to show us.

We say that maybe they had a really bad relationship in the past and he just needs time to know you're different.

We believe that maybe this is just how relationships are supposed to be nowadays.

We make excuses.
And then we crumble when we realize that that's all it was, and an excuse that kept us from accepting the truth.
And that truth is that he wasn't worth a single moment.

Crack.
There it goes again,
Breaking further and I see no end,
A false sense of solvency, a bandaid solution,
The ground beneath me dissolving, I'm falling in confusion,
Isn't there supposed to be a max to the pain you can feel?
I can no longer tell if this is a nightmare or truly real.

Over the past year I have just learned a lot about this quest of mine for love.
I've cried a lot, made bad choices, but I've also grown a lot.
But it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish I didn't crave affection.
I wish I didn't fall so quickly.
I wish that the fact that my heart is in a cage would mean that it is protected, but I've finally realized that all it is, is trapped and unable to break free.
It's a prisoner.
I'm captive to my own emotions and lately it's driving me crazy.
Because it's a broken record: I'm a great girl, I have respect for myself, I have the personality and a bit of the looks as well but for some reason these guys either don't see it or don't value it.
And I know that that means I shouldn't care for them but that's a hell of a lot easier to say than done.
The truth is I hate being sad about this one insignificant and tiny blip in my life when there is so much to be happy and grateful for.
And then I'm angry because I'm sad and I feel like I can be in a crowded room and yet alone and then I start to find all of the reasons to legitimize being angry perhaps when they aren't even good reasons.
I feel like I'm so happy in a lot of ways but sad in some of the ways I want to be happy.
And there is always a reason for me to not be with someone.
Always.
And before it was always me in the way but now it's them, they don't want me.
And I know that I'm priceless and I know that I'm worth all of the stars and combustible helium and dust in this galaxy but it's really hard to believe something is up in the sky when all you see is the ground and sometimes I just can't muster up that kind of faith.
Sometimes I feel like my emotions are the poem I wish I could write and other times I'm just so **** tired of being the poet because for once I just want to be someone's poem.
And I know that they say that when you're broken that is how the light gets in but it also allows for shadows and I'm growing to hate the darkness.
Every bit of happiness I feel lately turns out just to be just like a stone thrown into water and it's impossible to avoid the ripples, and they remind me that I have no control and must go with the flow and I'm tired of going against the current.
And god knows I wish I had the confidence to walk across a room and know that I am something worth having but it's hard when subpar is what you're used to.
And I'm slowly coming to find the word empty to be ironic because in reality, this emptiness has never felt so heavy.
It's hard to stand tall when you do and you fall and you also realize parts of you are made of glass.
And it's the scariest thing to admit that in some ways you're broken because broken things never truly get fixed.
They find a "new normal" and maybe I'm old fashioned but I like some things to stay the same.
And I know that there are storms in my eyes and electricity in my lips but **** it I think the pain is worth it.
I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but what happens when everyone is blind?
And what scares me the most is putting these thoughts into words because tongues always cut the deepest.

It is rather funny how after awhile you can't even feel your heart break,
the pain becomes so common and you are feeble and weak,
your attempts to smile grow less and less convincing,
and when people try conversing, you find yourself resisting,

you are the rose left in the darkness,
you are what the sky would look like if it was starless,
you breathe but your lungs do not expand fully,
and everything you do reminds you of him cruelly,

your emptiness is in every song ever written,
it's the space between the breaths of the words to which people fall smitten,
devoid of emotion and virtually nothing,
such a heavy silence and it is you that it's crushing,

you are the stones that sink to the ocean floor,
you are the forgotten casualty in this never ending war,
you are every emotion held back out of fear,
and the ringing of his voice is all you hear,

darling, no longer should you let your tears fall,
release yourself from the shackles that keep you from standing tall,
there is always a price for the freedom you seek,
remember that you were not built to be meek,

He is every second-chance ever given,
every intricate reason to learn from indecision,
He is every cut that isn't fatal,
and he is not your last betrayal,

let yourself be broken and let yourself feel,
embrace every memory as it plays back on a reel,
trust the unknown even when you do not agree,
one day you will understand why it was never meant to be,

right now you can't fathom how any of this is true,
but believe me when I say, sometimes heartbreak saves you.

It terrifies me to know that one day, you will simply be gone,
That you will walk out that door and that I will never hear from or see you again,
That the person who I stayed up with until 4 in the morning telling everything to is someone that I hope to one day pass on the street,
just to know that you're okay.

It scares me to know that our time is running short, because TIME doesn't stop for anyone, And with time, memories fade and with it will your face and I'm trying so hard to engrave it on my skin.
You.
My most beautiful sin.

Momma told me nothing good happens after two am and maybe she's been right all along because that is when I fell for you,
In the hours of the love affair between the moon and sun, existing together only momentarily before one is overrun,
like them we are meant to always reach for one another but never quite get there,
Because the universe is run by magic and we have none.

But I will always be willing to die every night as the moon does for the sun if it means seeing it bounce off your whiskey colored eyes I used to get drunk off of, one last time,
Because you looked at me the way no one else could, and I bared my soul to you more than I should've,
we were both the spark and the flame and then the wind lent a shout, matches aren't meant to burn forever and maybe that's why we burnt out.

Just know that I will always miss you,
That a part of my soul will forever be yours,
And I envy the lips that get to kiss you.

And as that door shuts, away you will walk to a place I may never stumble across and find,
So I will always remember those starry nights, when I was yours and you were mine.

Before you I was a blank page and now you've left a crease,
You've reassembled the 26 letters of my life in a way that gives me peace,
You make me want to furiously throw ink across my once boring pages,
To resemble the adventures in which you have released my heart from its cages,
You're made up of similes and metaphors that I want to spend all of my time solving,
I grow closer and closer because my feelings are evolving,
I fell for your covers and even further for what I found inside,
I'm lost within you and trust you as my guide,
Teach me your ways with your verbs & your nouns,
You're like the book I never want to put down.