I have to stop dating musicians.

They always
Break my heart
So they can write better songs.
They **** me without loving me
So they can create new sounds.

I have to stop dating musicians.

They always speak of their dreams
They speak of their future
And the things they will accomplish
But none of it
Ever includes me.

I have to stop dating musicians.

They are in love with their instruments
Married to their sounds
Fully committed to themselves
I'm nothing but a nightmare
Compared to their dreams.

I haven't felt this alone in years
and it's not from the lack of people
Around me
It's from the lack of you

I disappeared with you
My soul left
When yours did
I am
Invisible without
I doubt I'll ever
be seen again

You are
What held me together
When I would
Cry on your lap
you would say things like
"as long as we are together
no one will shatter
your pretty little heart"

because I was your person
And you were mine
forgive me for not
Holding you that night
When your world
Was so shattered
I couldn't see through the glass

Forgive me for
not reminding you
I loved you
when we last talked
I just never knew darling
That to the light
You would walk .

it will take forever
for me to get better
to get my life
back together

But this fast life
and these long lines
white lines
shine bright in the dark nights

hollow friendships
only smiling
when the drugs hit the system
when they're gone
everyone gets distant

fake love and fake caring
real drugs that we love sharing
inhale fabricated happiness
exhale all the hurt of yesterday

what your heart can't take,
darling
Your liver will
wait for jack
wait for the snow in July.

Stuck between
This is enough and
I need more from you

Put two free souls
In one room
And the sparks that fly
Will light up the room
In a fire they can't put out
Sparks will fly
A fire will burn
And to ashes they'll turn

Stuck between
There's too much of me
And not enough of you.

Before you, I did not notice much. They say that when you fall in love, nothing and no one else matters. but that’s not true. When you fall in love, everything matters just a little more. Songs now make sense, all of the sudden you yearn for a dozen roses and another coat of mascara now makes a difference. When I fell in love with you, I realized that sidewalks are made for two, that two chair tables outside small coffee shops are meant for dates, and that ice cream tastes better when its shared. The sun, the stars, winter, trees, coffee, Chinese takeout, beer, long car rides, pools, walking, TV shows, funny movies, perfect fitting jeans, new makeup, curled hair, new outfits, and everything in-between, mattered so much more when I fell in love with you. Suddenly, home was no longer my mother’s house Sunday mornings with the smell of pancakes, home was anywhere and everywhere as long as I was with you. What I am trying to say here is that now you’re gone and I’m homesick and I don’t know where home is anymore.

You would call unexpectedly all the time saying you missed me. you loved me. you begged me to come back “You know I can’t do that” I would say, to what you always replied “I need a second chance, please forgive me.” You always said the same thing, “you hurt me, I’m sorry, we’re just not getting back together”, I really meant it. I was in love with someone else already. so desperately in love. Now, he’s gone. and now I’m the one calling begging for his return, “You know I can’t do that” he says, “but I love you, please, I need a second chance” I always said the same thing. “I’m sorry doll, you’ve hurt me, we just can’t get back together, you’ll be okay.” And he would hang up. It was then that I understood your pain.

Wake up woman. Don't you see that his love is no longer yours? Truths dripping in honey are not what you need. There's a cold harsh winter hitting your heart as we speak woman don't you see. That your happiness is worth more than his. That the love you two shared was swallowed by the waves of the ocean and forgotten but don't worry soon you'll forget his face. You'll scrub your skin in the shower so much that his fingertips will no longer be there. Woman please believe me when I tell you that he doesn't care.  He’s not too busy. His week isn’t all booked. He didn’t just miss your call. If he acts like he doesn’t care, then he doesn’t care. Get up from your knees and brush it off. I know you wish for his arms to hold you but you have got to hold your own. Love yourself enough to walk away from a man that can only half love you. Love yourself enough to leave half *** apologies behind. Realize you deserve the love you keep trying to give him. Choose yourself for once. And every morning that you wake up. Choose yourself.

I see my therapist tomorrow and I know I'm going to talk about you.
I’ll tell her how your hair falls on your face
And she’ll fall in love with you too.
She’ll say “you’ve been here before”
To which I’ll respond with “I know I know, I’m going to stop this before I get hurt.”
But I’m not stopping now.
I love you now.
And you could hurt me now
And I would still love you because when it’s raining out
All I want is the light in your eyes to give the inside of my thighs a tan.
And I love the way your fingers slide inside my heart and feel around.
There’s nothing there
Yet you bring out so much.
You can taste all the scars that healed with your arrival.
You opened that door and I walked right in.
I’m comfortable baby.
Just drive.

There is a war
Inside me
That you aren’t aware of
It controls
My breathing
My reasoning
My laughs
My love
My pain
My hate
It controls all aspects of who I am
But it leaves me not being me.
I am not my illness
But, I’m not anyone else either.
I am everyone else
I am almost everything
I am almost a writer
Almost an artist
Almost yours
Almost enough
Not all the way something
I am just a collection
Of halfway things
A collection of dismantled almosts.

You frown at the way I can drink whiskey without flinching. and every time I tell you. honey. I don't drink alcohol for the taste. If I did. I would have the taste of your smile down my throat every night. I would have every memory of us bottled. And I would drink them whenever you were gone. Which lately is a lot. so lately I drink more. the warmth of the whiskey when it hits my insides reminds of the first couple months with you. When you were sure. When we were good. When I was enough. Now I can't drink enough. Now we don't talk enough. Now is different. The only time I feel you. The real you. Is with my clothes on the floor. You get your fix. I'll get mine. I'll **** the stress out of you. And I'll drink the sadness out of me. The sadness you fill me with with how empty you leave me. I'm addicted to this whiskey. And to the way your hands grip my throat.