yea break my heart again .....
whats that? twice?

the only problem is .....
its not not very nice.

Ur my heart and I can't let u go-
I don't even know how even if I wanted to!!
I constantly think about u and the time we shared
It's hard to forget u when my life has forever been impaired!

I wish we could be friends from afar....
It's not how I want it but at least  u haven't gone too far!

I'd give anythg just to talk to u a few times a week!!
That would be the best thing and I'd be so happy I'd totally freak!

But u hate me and it's over and done...
I don't want to marry u but in my heart ur number 1!!!!!

I have 2 recient guys i was seeing....

One is old and should be  or act like a normal adult...

the other is younger and sort of wild and fun.....but a youngster..

the youngster acts more like an adult then the adult does....

How sad is that (for the old man?)

On days off....
home is where I like to be
*** everyones gone most of the time....

when I can think of the past....
when youd come see me!!

I hate the way I look so I get depressed
I hate the way I look so I do t love myself
I hate that  I have an addiction so I can't save money
I hate that I have an addiction *** it's hard for me to be punctual
I don't know how to fix this without help from anyone
How can I get my life back before I end up ruining the only one I have??

so much reminds me of you!



i wish the memories would leave as quick as u did!!

Wow being sober for such a short time...
and theres so much I want to do and want to try....
and theres no way anyone can change my reasoning to why...

I want to help others who are worse off....or help animals who get abandoned by their owners and are dumped off...
I want to find a job that is world  changing..
to be of service and start alittle piece of the mending...

But I know I can only take small steps and not get over whelmed or it will all fall apart...just take my time and enjoy life and all it has to offer and learn to enjoy things like beautiful art....

its scary but fun ....just seems like life has had to restart.

I wish things that made me happy sometimes...
Didn't happen!!!

*** when the  aren't there any longer.... I'm so sad !!

still sober just chugging along.,,,
never knew I could do it and sober and keep going on...

thank god the ex isn't bugging me
and pretty much has let it die as it is to be.....

im grateful for his help to get me this way.....
and will repay him somehow soon one day....

don't like how emotional it makes me'


but if sobriety is that way...
who am I to say differently....

I wanted to love u but u only hate ...
That isn't a good mix when ur out on a date!

I have said it many times before
That I was so very sorry and wanted to talk some more!!

But u were done always said no
Just give me 30 mins if u don't like what I say u can get up and go

But instead u want to play with my head
And all I wish now is that I'd met someone else instead !!

Today is Thanksgiving and we need to be thankful,
but its hard you see....
since this will be my moms  last time for Thanksgiving turkey.

I am ever so grateful to be able  to share today..
and I will take many pics so I can always remember all she may do or say!

Its just sad to think that this will be the last....
but then again, one day too we all must pass!

its my birthday and in like over 15 yrs ive never been sober...


But I am today........finally.....can start doing things the way normal people do....
im just emotional and don't like that I get so emotional .....but I guess when you've lived one way for so long its hard at first .....but I will do it..
I have to.


But no gifts today.....only gift is to my self and that's the best gift of all...!!!

I wish I felt differently about either of you....
but the sad truth is ...
I can see the good in a lot that you do.

I know you hate me and I wish that wasn't true.....
I would do anything on this earth just to be with you!!

But that wont ever happen since you think im a ****.....
so my search never ends and im always on the hunt.

I get sad when you come to mind....
I have wanted you for so long.... i hoped one day you would be the one I would find..

I have loved you for so long....
I never stopped loving you even when i had a 'toy' to help forget what brought my saddness on...

Even when hed be here....I still looked for you *** it was you who should have been there.
Not once did i ever stop thinking about you......
I knew somehow you were behind it all in some way too...

When john died close to 3 yrs now.....

you were there to talk to me all the time...
making me feel better ....
getting the sun again to shine.

I wish it were that way now *** when my mom dies....
how will i  manage......  i ust dont know how...

You used to seem so much more compassionate and loving about life..
Now its not that way....
I wish i could go change it or so you can end it for me, just hand you the knife.

I get sad when you come to mind....
I have wanted you for so long.... i hoped one day you would be the one I would find..

I have loved you for so long....
I never stopped loving you even when i had a 'toy' to help forget what brought my saddness on...

Even when hed be here....I still looked for you *** it was you who should have been there.
Not once did i ever stop thinking about you......
I knew somehow you were behind it all in some way too...

When john died close to 3 yrs ago.....
you were there to talk to me all the time...
making me feel better ....
getting the sun again to shine.

I wish it were that way now *** when my mom dies....
how will i  manage......  i ust dont know how...

You used to seem so much more compassionate and loving about life..
Now its not that way....
I wish i could go change it or so you can end it just hand you the knife.

Even tho we met in a messed up way-
You will always be a main happy thought I will revisit again and again!!

I only wish it was like our visits previously ! Oh how I wish!!

when I was asleep. my phone fell between the cushions of the couch.
little did I know it wasn't safe wedged in that pouch.

I had the skinny girl go under it to fetch it out....
only to soon learn my phone was broken and she wasn't able to get it out!

we ended up moving the couch to get it from the back,,,,
when it was in my hand the face was all broken and cracked.

now im sad cant even text anymore.....
im so depressed now.....
this week ***** for sure!

Gosh he's gonna be here in a non or two...
This is somethg I do t even want to do!!

But get sober is someth I have to do
I just hope that after that I can be friends with u

Im not going to be on here much anymore......
it makes me sad that you dont talk to me much now....
I guess i meant nothing but i just dont feel thats the truth !!

I hate to read your twitter accts...it really upsets me ,
But what should i expect......

from someone who cheats on the "best friend" wwith some older chick for 4 months for money from some old *** guy.

I just need to keep telling myself that you hate me and i meant nothing to u.






so i will just sit and cry like i usually do.

I wish you would come back but for other then revenge.....
I just miss you so much !!!

I promise to let you finish your storys and not interupt....
i will write it down so i dont forget what i need to say so you can finish..

I promise to be upfront and forever true.....
I miss you terribly and want you back ------


if you only felt this way too....

Im glad that I got to spend the days I did with you...
even if now those days have long gone, bid adieu.

I am forever grateful that we had moments to share...
even though your not around now gone without a care.

You will always be one of my favorite summer pastimes that I had....
just wish it lasted longer  because loving you always made happy and that wasn't at all bad.

It really is hard *** I do have love for you
Even after finding out the real reasons u were there for u kno who!

I kno u grew to like me alittle ...
It just ***** *** now we can find a way to hang out and meet In the middle!

U really did make me happier and brought me lots of joy
Just suxs now *** I can't play anymore with my boy toy ( jk)

I'm sorry I didn't tell u how u being there affected me
Maybe one day i will be able to but until then in my heart missing u is where u will be!!

I hate when the holidays are here....
I wish you were sround since ur someone I hold dear!

I lope ur day tomorrow will be spent well...
When a simple  "hi " from u would make my day....
But who am I kidding ?
This isn't a wishing well!!!

always be grateful and and live to the fullest


never take things for granted and always be humble

spend a lot of time with loved ones especially your mom and dad......

*** one day they'll  be gone..

then youll wish you had.

I wonder if u ever think of me in a nice way?
I wonder if I made a good impression on ur life?
I wonder if ur glad we hung out and that u got to know me like no other?
I wonder if u miss me af all like I miss you?!!??

I really hope my best friend is ok...
Ive texted her and messaged her and called her a few times today.

she hasnt responded back...
I hope shes is alright.,....
I hope she gets back intouch with me at least by tonight.

I know shes going thru something thats so sad....
I cant imagine loosing a parent....but i dont have a dad...(well step)

I hope each day is easier and she can soon again smile.....
but im sure it wont be for awhile.

To say that u hate you would be a huge lie
Truth is I never should have said goodbye

I know that u don't forgive me and would rather that I die
But the harsh reality is I wish I could still look you in the eye!!
If I knew what you meant to me when you were still here I never would have let u go because your the  one that I hold dear!!!

I'd give anythg to feel your touch...
Just wish I knew back then
*** now my words don't mean as much!!!

Why do I miss you so much??
I dream and long to again feel your touch!!
Why can't we at least always be friends?
Being there to talk to the other if we are sad!!
Just be able to reach out and help change their mood isn't bad!!

It's easier to do things if there's someone there to cheer u on!!
It's hard to do it alone with no one there and you want to give up and not continue on!

I just miss you being here...
Since u made me like you when I met u my dear!!!

I want to hug you and gives u kisses
But the empty hole inside isn't gonna be filled with love ...it only gets stitches!!

I do miss you but u didn't care
Guess I was just another number ....just a nameless body for u to do what u want with,
Whatever u  dare!

I really thought we bonded in some ways...
Guess I am wrong since u don't talk to me at all these days !!

U will always be one my heart will forever want!!!!
Just ***** *** ur ghostly memory will forever  taunt!!