I’m damaged
I point to my wound
Yet cover my pain
I’m fine.

I outline my scars
Each with its own story
Yet I refuse to tell
I lie.

I reveal my trauma
Only to you
As I deceive those around me
With nothing but a smile.

I Melt my eyes
My flaws don’t exist
In a separate dimension
My vices thrive
There I am perfect
My envy runs rampant
My pride unchecked
And I eat to my heart's content
But my soul starves

There are times when I’d hold you
But your air was cold
You haven’t taken a breath in so long
My love
Are you my love,
Is this place in your heart for me?
Perhaps for her,
Perhaps no more,
Maybe let inside,
Renovations and furniture
Amendments and repairs,
You look to the future with hope,
Hope for us
Our children,
I hope too
That I am your plan,
You’re one as you are mine.

I refuse to sleep
I’m enslaved to my emotions
Hurting myself however I can
I’m tired of it all.
I stay in fear of my tears
The river flows endlessly
Out of respect for my blood
I stop the never ending bleed
I stained the carpet
Stained our love
Stained all that was sacred
With the sins of my past

Sometimes we heal,
Disingenuously,
How does one know,
If they're ok again,
Or it's a scar,
waiting to reopen,
unhealthy addictions,
I'm waiting to relapse,
Disasters in waiting,
So I numb the pain,
with substance,
One of the worst lies ever told,
this alcohol isn't clean.

I take a moment
To thank
the authors authors of my soul
As everyone we meet,
Contributes at least a word,
Others have chapters
And some our main characters
In the story
That is my life
Only our mothers
Only my mother
Has been a part of my story
From the prologue
To the penultimate full stop
For that I thank her
For my story would be forever be incomplete
Without my mother’s love.

The rainy night
The sun light
When I close my eyes
The feeling of longing
Multiplies
As I wonder if you dream of me too

Tell me why
When I’m drunk
And alone
Your name keeps me grounded

I came to the realization
Shocking as may be
I’m not a kid anymore
Despite how it may seem
The rain comforts me
And Santa’s but a dream
The tooth fairy’s retired
And so is my innocence.

Alone
For the first time
you're a bit too distant

I say I'm trying,
more like hoping I'll be ok,
I know I'm trying,
lying in everything I say,
I promise I'm trying,
end up thinking about you every day,
I swear I'm trying,
to **** myself every night.

He wears many faces,
and tells many lies,
and I don't end up sleeping,
and I waste all of my time,
thinking of all my choices,
now that you aren't mine.

My mind taunts me,
with memories of once was,
a love song I once knew,
that ended in heartbreak
and heartache,
two souls too kind to let go,
too foolish yet they know,
every second with each other,
without a lover,
hurts.

My memories stab me,
with pictures of what once was,
a painting we once drew,
that depicted heartbreak,
in its purest form,
of bliss,
a time that I still miss,
the time that we both missed,
yet we knew what we both wanted,
believing it was all enough,
every second I spend regretting,
bleeds.

My dreams torture me,
with ideas of what could've been,
a story we once wrote,
that ended in date nights,
and wedding vows,
a story of love and lust,
a story unfinished,
a story blemished,
by the realities of the world we created,
we are happy,
together in a place,
a place that never existed,
and that,
kills.

Silent letters to you,
empty messages,
hoping you'll get them,
with no clues,
cause if I tell you I love you,
as I've done every night before,
I'll realize I love you,
more than I have before,
so spare me the torture,
and acknowledge my games,
since we're not the same,
my writing must change

Dreams where you're still here,
living through,
sadness that cripples,
anger towards myself,
I bargain with my conscience,
depression hurts my health,
I've accepted our dying love,
mourning our fallen love.

I still hear your name,
when I'm in a dark place,
comforting to think that
I'm on your mind,
wishful thinking,
without action,
I can't say I love you,
left of my own accord,
so I write silent letters to you,
with no postal stamp,
no to,
only from,
your one and only,
I still write numerous poems about you,
knowing you'll read them,
hoping you'll feel them.

Close your eyes,
I whisper in your ear,
when you think of forever,
what do you see my dear,
or rather who do you see,
right through your tears,
through the uncertainty of time,
and the path you will take,
who is your partner,
your guide as you are theirs,
I asked you this question once before,
a rainy day on the second floor,
tell me your answer once again.

I hope you'l need me one day,
wondering how I'll react,
to my phone shaking with excitement,
as you show up in my notifications,
perhaps for a cup of tea,
so will I smile,
or will it ring,
serenading me with that perfect tone,
a satisfying silence falls, as I watch,
your name,
leave my screen,
tell me where we're going,
tell me which it'd be.

It's midnight,
and my pen and I were wondering,
wondering if you see me in the same light,
as before,
reflecting in the same beautiful eyes,
as before,
read my poems with the same smile,
as before.

There are some poems I refuse to write,
hidden away,
but always presented to me,
in my search for inspiration,
The words are hidden
but on the tip of my tongue,
the feelings forbidden,
or simply ill advised,
for it has been so long,
since I've been honest with anyone,
including myself.

My favorite memories of us,
were never with you,
sleeping took forever,
cause I was dreaming of my lover,
planning a life ahead,
reminiscing of the day we met,
hoping I'd see you tomorrow,
knowing i'll need you tomorrow,
but one day the tomorrow never came,
never been so dependent on someone,
to be happy,
my favorite memory of us,
always used to be about you,
I miss being excited about love,
i miss dreaming of the girl that was mine.

Knowing you has been a song,
familiar silence,
as we become aware of existence,
but no form of friendship,
complete empty instrumentals,
the start of us.
beautiful vocals set in,
in anticipation of what's to come,
as I fell for your smile,
only then do lyrics form,
as our story unfolds,
our song isn't finished,
but it's so distorted,
so empty now.

Lantern through the mist,
lets me see the man at the foot of the bridge,
little to no effort to stop me,
for all who cross,
know the danger,
the price,
or simply have no choice,
under the lantern,
I stand next to the man,
who reeks of sad retribution,
and speaks of imprisoning freedom,
I take a step forward,
forward with no conviction,
so I go back,
with newfound respect,
fear and envy,
for those who crossed before me.

We all yearn for talent,
but the burden of potential is great,
the expectations of those around you,
can take you higher,
or drag you down,
so far that doubt takes over,
a beautifully cruel mistress,
poisoning you,
but it is the expectation you have,
of yourself,
that is fatal,
in my case,
if I don't make it,
I choose to die.

If death is what you desire,
I'd happily grant that wish,
a multitude of tools I could list,
noose, knife or fire,
You could have your pick.

If you have the conviction,
tired of your earthly woes,
let go of all your worldly holds,
I must ask
If there's truly no convincing,
why do you still wish for someone to hold?

I felt no longer,
cried out no more,
I hide my cuts from the world
I bleed internally.
The cuts got deeper
I pushed it myself
I hide them from myself
there are no scars
for my wounds never healed
I bleed eternally.

I've Burned
I've Drowned
I've fallen to a place
where there's no sound,
no light,
explored the ruins of my loves,
leading me to wallow in the darkness of regret.

What if we met again,
faceless and nameless,
strangers to everything but our words,
would you look at me the same way,
with the same eyes,
would we find ourselves again
would we love,
once more.

Went for a walk with the love of my life,
dreaming,
thinking,
of all the wasted time,
coping,
loving,
we laugh but eventually cry,
regretting,
forgetting,
what it's really like,
losing,
hoping.

A silent drive,
s i l e n t,
lights blind me,
before darkness finds me,
no one in the passenger's seat,
not a soul in the back,
only things for company,
are the skeletons in my trunk,
on this long road trip,
we dreamed about,
it's a long,
long drive of despair.

I fell in love with her,
cause I got lost in her world,
that she creates with all of her words
and everything she writes,
so when I look into her eyes,
realize that she must be mine,
A future with her,
A future with more,
maybe house with three living there for free.

Will it weigh on your mind,
will it weigh on mine,
what happens when unfaithfulness goes unpunished,
it happens when you love from a distance,
couple that with time,
do feelings remain?
probably will fade,
you'll love another,
forget about me,
don't lie,
I've seen it happen,
multiple times.

What is it about sad poems,
or poems about love,
which are often melancholic,
that I love so much,
well for a non-alcoholic,
I need an escape,
cause I sin,
and I bleed,
and it's always my fault,
but when I'm writing,
my pen bleeds,
and these lines don't judge,
the page has no choice,
but to love me,
why would I come here when I'm happy,
no need to comfort someone with a smile.

What did we talk about,
before,
before you forget me I need to know,
know,
know you want him though it's none of my,
concern,
concerned bout how you're doing,
though,
I know you're more than ok and that,
hurts,
hurt by the things that I told myself about,
you,
you're the same girl I've always known but we're,
distant,
distant in the sense that I'm running out of topics to start a conversation with,
you,
you and I used to flow,
where has our river gone?

The day I met you,
was the beginning,
of my endless dream about you,
where the taste of your lips,
is magical,
and your beauty,
the result of wonderful imagination,
is this a dream,
this is a dream,
or a nightmare,
since i still lose you in the end,
lose you once again.

Even when I'm lost,
I come back here,
to these pages,

I tell them about you; my love,
about me; my lust,
write down my thoughts; my loss,

so even when I'm gone,
you can always,
find me in these pages,

hear my cries; my tears,
share my lies; my fears,
feel my love; my dear.

You can sink deeper,
deeper in my mind,
as you drown in my thoughts,
drown in this thought,
hold your breath,
follow the signs,
follow the sounds,
you'll hear your name a lot.

I can imprison you,
have you in my heart,
am I the prisoner?
bathe in my love,
lips say I love you,
out loud,
heart says I need you,
need you around.

She lives in my daydreams,
stealing me from reality,
from the one that looks like her,
that is her.

Hey,
what's up,
it's not the same,
this way,
I can read what you're saying,
I can hear what you're saying,
but I can't hear you at all,
the look in your eyes is silent,
the pain in your voice is silent,
your laugh is silent,
I can't love in silence,
I cry when I realize that,
I may not hear you again.

Your pain and kindness,
is a love I once knew,
the taste of your lips,
is something I never knew,
the kissing and touching,
is something new,
but not to me,
or you.

No one knows me,
like the pages of this book,
the tears that fell,
the tears that wanted to fall,
the meaning,
the feelings,
in each letter,
the intent,
in every word,
the surprise,
in the end,
good and bad,
poetry,
is my escape form life without pages,
because I don't know when my story will end.

This melody; these lyrics,
I know them word for word,
from a love-time ago,
for it tells a story of you and me,
not through words,
or melodies,
but through memories,
beautiful in of themselves,
but poison me with painful nostalgia,
I hate these songs,
they smell like you,
make me think of you,
deleting them from my playlist,
was the first step towards,
making new memories,
and singing new songs,
without you.

Oh, my fair lady,
what a surprise,
the angel of thought,
may meet her demise,
love is her savior,
love is her crutch,
love is the one,
that's broken her trust,
will he betray you,
how will you know,
love is a cruel mistress,
beautiful though.

They are around me,
Their love surrounds me,
I know this,
I loathe this,
I can see them,
clearly,
at night I can not feel them,
clearly,
when I live in fear,
of myself,
when my thoughts make me shed tears,
for myself,
I feel like,
I wonder,
I wish,
I hope,
I am truly alone.

The field was all he'd known
admiring the flowers
the butterflies
the snakes
they poisoned the field
the snakes.

The river is all he knows
Listening to the hum
of the river's flow
the trash
it polluted the river
the trash.

The field is all he needs
longing for the rich harvest
Of knowledge
the snakes
do not scare him
the snakes.

The river is the one in pain
the fish mourn
their home is dying
the river
it must be cleansed
my river.