I barely know you,
Yet my words just spill out with no filter.
I want you to just see me,
Without a mask and a little off kilter.

Crushes are weird.

Be careful in your interactions,
Kindness is scarce these days.
One kind gesture,
Could put an uneasy soul at bay.

I bonded with him over Skyrim,
Took it further with Star Wars,
And sealed the deal with Doctor Who.
I never thought those things could get me so far.

Messes irritate me.
Yet, I am a perpetually messy person.
Always cleaning the same mess
Over and over.

We used to be so uncompromised,
Our words didn't have some double meaning,
Something deeming,
That we were more than we were willing to admit.
I could look you in the eyes without that feeling,
Without my thoughts wheeling,
Away from the possibility of having to commit.
You and I were not some cliched affair,
But now we are something I thought I could not bare,
And I fear,
I fear that we have been compromised,
By those double meanings,
Those feelings,
Deeming,
That we are more than we are willing to admit.

I believe in soulmates,
Watching Netflix,
And the playful fight that leads to,
First kisses,
And giddy smiles.
I believe that even the simplest of things can be beautiful with you by my side.

The clock slowly ticks, ticking ticking ticking,
As time has come to a stop.
All we can hear is the ticking,
The ticking of the broken clocks.

We'll be lost in forever, over and over
Repeating our lives.
Memories are spilling over,
Hey, remember that time?

We met by accident,
Serendipity you could say.
I liked the way your eyes shined,
As you smiled that day.

But one problem led to another,
Nights blended into days.
What's the difference between midnight,
And the middle of the afternoon?

The clocks tick away the memories,
Tick Tick tick...

We dance across the realities,
Laugh at our lives.
We act so happily,
As our dreams are torn with time.

The clocks are ticking...
Every second is another year.
Everything was okay,
Everything began to disappear.

Hey do you remember?
Do you?
"Do I remember?
I can't say that I can..."

The clock slowly ticks, ticking, ticking, ticking...
And my memories of you begin to fade.
All I can remember is the ticking,
Our lives ticking away...
Tick tick tick...

Who are you?

Indentical Twins:
They have the same face,
But different souls.

I remember what you told me about her after you broke up. All these terrible things. How she was crazy.  I wonder if you say things like that about me now.

I'm a closet romantic.
Constantly
Writing poetry
About beautiful boys.
But if you talk to me
Face to face
I'll deny that is this the case.

I can't let people know my weakness.

You know how you  say a word,
Until it sounds as though it shouldn't exist?
The meaning has become blurred,
It can't possibly be real.

That is how I feel about love after all this time I've spent trying to figure it out.

I feel the world closing in,
My heart pounding rapidly like rain drops on a windowpane,
As I struggle for breath.
I want to cry,
Why do I feel this way so suddenly?
Moments ago,
I was absolutely fine.

Anxiety attacks make no sense.

There was a time where you meant so much,
Just like a fresh bouquet of flowers.
Now my memory of you falls apart at one touch,
Just like a long forgotten bouquet of flowers.

12:00am spontaneous hour long drive to Sonic,
With close friends.
The perfect tonic,
For an uneasy heart.

Go to work.
Listen to music.
Go for a run.
Hula hoop.
Play Pokemon Go.
Play Pokemon Yellow.
Lay down and stare at the ceiling.
Overthink.
No, don't do that.
Get up.
Message you.
Know you won't answer.
Go over friend's house.
You didn't.
Go home.
Overthink.
Give up.
Go to bed early so the day will be over.

I was out of the game before it began,
Handed a controller that wasn't connected.
It was just like I was playing,
The fault wasn't detected.

Where did the romance go?
The dreamy eyed people,
With smiles that glow,
Have become endangered.

Why has the world become so listless?

We drifted like unanchored ships,
Across the sea.
Soon you were just an undistinguishable shape on the horizon,
That I only knew through memory.
I did not know how the sea changed you,
And you did not know how it weathered me.

I knew you were poison.
Toxic as the cigarettes you smoked, and just as addicting.
I tried quitting you over and over.
Pacifying myself with other addictions,
Like coffee.
But then I learned why coffee is called the liquid cigarette,
It has the same taste but it isn't quite as satisfying.

Boy meets girl,
Girl meets boy.

A friendship formed,
Followed by joy.

Complications arose,
Like a puzzle wanting to be solved.

Their morals were questioned,
As their relationship evolved.

There was lust,
Fiery in all of the sense.

They thought no one could see it,
No one is that dense.

Fighting had come and gone,
Maybe it had been all a mistake.

But nothing could keep them away,
No matter what was at stake.

I never learned to hold back. When I fall for someone I want them to know all of me, the good, the bad, the downright ugly. Constantly, I am forced to withdraw, my soldiers told to retreat back into their forts, cease fire.

You told me you had feelings for me, my heart leapt at the chance to finally be open, to be free to fight a valiant battle. But then, as quickly as the battle progressed, it stopped, there was a lull.

You told me sorry, that maybe we should stop, that you don't see a future with me. That I should shut off my feelings. That we should be friends. You wonder why I can't just pretend like your lips never crashed against mine. Like our bodies never crashed together passionately like bombs exploding with every collision.

You make me feel like I am being unreasonable. You liked it better when I was understanding. When my feelings were unclear. But my dear, you were the one that fired the first shot when you decided to crash your lips against mine. When you decided again and again that, although you were unsure, to keep firing. To keep crashing into me.

Yet, you will wonder why I stopped. You will wonder when the smoke finally clears, why I stopped fighting for you.

As I drive I catch my eyes searching every face I pass by.
With some unexplainable longing I wonder to myself,
"Who am I looking for?"

I keep hearing all these complaints,
It's sad when everything that's said has a negative edge.

I'm no saint,
I do it too sometimes.

I try to see the positive light,
In bad situations.

Both sides to the coin,
Everything has a reason.

I try to draw my mind out of that dark place,
Because I've gotten stuck there.

It did not help me,
It only kept me in a state of no motivation, lethargy, and unfeeling.

I want people to realize that although they have some legitimate reasons to feel down,
As all do.
That there are always going to be a reasons to remain positive.

Even if it is something so small that it seems ridiculous to be happy about.

You're absolutely and utterly the most arrogant, cynical, self-absorbed, human being I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.
I think grudgingly as I stare at Facebook.

That feeling of longing I had only a moment ago was fleeting,
Replaced by distaste.

How could I have ever had an inkling of feeling for you?
All that time I spent on you was a such waste.

I bet you don't even care,
Forgotten about me like I was never even there.

It's like you don't exist outside of our college,
I wish you could have gave me that knowledge.

Because I wouldn't have had to spend all that time caring,
I wouldn't have had to miss you.
I wouldn't have had to wonder if you were okay every single day.
You could have at least answered me when I sent you those texts.
But you didn't,
And I did miss you, I did care, and I did wonder.

Now all I feel is resentment,
But I know tomorrow I'll miss you again.

This is ridiculous.

I walk out of my room shortly after finishing another John Green book,
There is a storm outside and the lightning flashes just as I pass the window,
It’s 2:52am and everything is illuminated before me.
I go back to my room and Facebook shows me he was online 38 minutes ago, with just one look.

I calculate the amount of time it would take to send a simple, “hello”
And decide it isn’t worth the worry.
It’s 2:52am I should be sleeping,
But how can I when thunder sounds outside my window?

All I can hear is the rain falling as I stare at the dark ceiling above me,
I think about where my life is going.
It’s 3:00am and paranoia starts to sink in,
What if I'm not where I'm supposed to be?

The rain has stopped but now all I can are drips,
As I tell myself that I'm just being silly, to calm down.
It's 4:11am and I'm in a place I shouldn't be,
This is driving me crazy and now all I can think about are his lips.

It's completely silent now,
As I open up my blog.
It's 4:58am and I'm combating loneliness with quotes,
Endlessly scrolling down, down, down.

I let my head hit the pillow with my face,
There's another storm outside my window.
It's 5:17am and I've defeated my demons for the night,
As I drift to sleep, wondering why I even stayed up in the first place.

I feel like I am being pushed away by those I want to be near the most. Slowly but surely. No one really needs me. They don't want me. Their lives won't be any different when I am no longer in them. I will be just that girl who used to bother them. I am just a side note. An afterthought.  I am meant to be alone.

I don't know you yet,
Personally.
But when I see your text,
My heart skips a beat.

When I see you will I be able to breathe?

Words that were not meant to hurt me pierced through me like a million tiny needles filled with Novocain.
It was not really pain at all.
With those words replaying in my mind, over, and over, the circumstances slowly began to sink in. When I finally worked up the will I could not get my fingers to move as I tried to type my reply.

I was numb.

I told them I'm afraid of the dark,
Honestly, I'm not afraid of what could be lurking there in the shadows.
I'm just afraid of facing it alone.

"I can't do it!" She shakes her head furiously, "I'm afraid of the dark."
Wistfully he grabs her hand, "Don't worry, I'm here."
Hand in hand, they are ready to face the unknown together.

She looks at her reflection,
Everyday.
And everyday she finds something she wants to fix.

Scared that she might go back.
To eighty pounds ago.
Scared that losing eighty pounds wasn't enough.

She exercises,
Everyday.
And everyday she feels too tired to function.

Hoping that she might look "normal,"
A term that is so vague.
Hoping that one day she will feel okay with herself.

She stares at that mirror,
Everyday.
And everyday she wonders why she's like this.

Wondering why she can't feel comfortable,
With her own body.
Wondering why she isn't proud.

Because when she looks at that mirror,
She sees flaws she can't fix.
Everyday.

I cannot put into words the sheer gravity of your soul meeting with mine.

"You were my once upon a time."
She whispered, their frail hands clasped together their grip meant more than forever.
He watched her with tears streaming down his face,
"Don't cry, my love."
As a tear rolled down her own she found the strength to say one last thing,
"You'll be my happily ever after."
He nodded in response because that's all he could will himself to do.
Slowly she closed her eyes and he kissed her goodbye,
Sadly he untangled their hands and rose to his feet and found his words,
"I have loved you for seventy years, this isn't the end."

And they lived happily ever after, again, and again, and again.

*Do you believe in soulmates?

The humid air embraces us like a soft blanket. We sit inches apart with books in our hands quietly studying the words before us. Your cat crawls across me and we steal glimpses at each other. The air feels warmer, more enchanting. I can hear your breathing change when you reach a particularly interesting part in your book. I look up to see you smiling, your dark hair falling slightly out of your hat. This is the first time I have seen you still, at peace, since we had broken up. I continue my book. Soon, it is time to go. We hug and suddenly, overwhelmed by the familiarity, the certainty, I kiss you. You do not kiss back. The spell is broken.

I want to pull away from this. From you. I want to just stop and act like we never got close. I want to act like you never became my rock. I want to pretend like you don't know how to make me smile
or laugh when I don't want to. I want to do this because I am afraid. Afraid of falling in love with you even when I know you would never feel the same in return. Afraid to get my heart broken. Afraid to once again get hurt. Afraid to put my faith in someone else. I am so afraid.

"It happened eight months ago. You should be okay by now. It isn't an excuse." I'm told after admitting I don't have the drive to really do anything anymore. I really wasn't trying to use it as an excuse.

Today I was going for a run,
It was beautiful out. The sun was hitting the trees in such a way that I would never be able to capture fully with a camera.
I had just gotten back from a family party.

I was thinking about it, who I saw, what went on, something was missing, someone was missing, suddenly I was not running anymore.

I was crying. I was hunched over trying to compose myself. I began to panic.

The words from his note, "I'm sorry" flashed in my head like police lights. What could I have done? I asked. There was nothing you could do. I told myself.

Each realization hit me like a bullet. Memories flooded into my mind. Just short beautiful moments.

I tried to push them back so desperately. I want to save them. I do not want to wear them out to the point where one day I will not be able to remember the crinkled eyed smile I loved so much.

I tried to catch my breath. It was no use. I couldn't.

I haven't been able to since September. I don't feel like I will ever be able to.

Almost eight months ago my grandfather took his own life and I'm told I should be okay. I'm told I should be able to go about my life normally.

"Okay." I respond.

We smile into our text messages after planning a day to see each other. My fingers hovering over my phone in quiet hesitation. Any misplaced word could demolish the delicate balance we have established, "I can't wait to see you," I type. Anxious at his reply, wondering if I stepped too far over the line, I wait. I stare at the three dots, the endless three dots. Finally, I get his reply after about ten minutes, "Yeah, me too." I know, his fingers lingered too. He is afraid of throwing us off kilter too. Of making things messy. Of risking what we have so carefully built for just a single misstep of feelings.

It is hard to be just friends with someone you are in love with.

It doesn't feel right, letting you go. You letting me go. The thought of someone else touching your soul makes my chest tight.  I fear you will never let anyone back in. Please, let someone in. You need someone to anchor you.

I am terrified that I may always love you. That one day I will be happy with someone else and the thought of you will still make me sad.

I never really understood what people meant by having a magnetic attraction to someone,
Until that moment our lips crashed together with such force I barely had any time to think.
When we finally drew it felt like some force was pushing us back together,
Making me want to go back and never leave,
"Those aren't meant to be apart."

I have written you so many letters,
That I will never send.

They tell you about the days we shared,
And the heart I had to lend.

Intricately weaving webs of passion,
Something I had to defend.

Because there were those awful moments,
Where I felt it was all pretend.

I wrote to you in earnest,
About the feelings I had.

If you read these letters,
I'd imagine you'd be mad.

You told me not to feel that way,
You told me not to fall.

I told you that it could happen,
You didn't believe me at all.

We were supposed to be platonic,
But something in me swayed.

Looking back, you were gaming,
It was how you smiled when you played.

You could never lie to me,
I could always see right through you.

In that moment you so gently kissed me,
I saw you falling too.

Now that it is over,
I write to you again.

About the love I had for you,
My handsome silly friend.

And how it fell apart,
How it began to bend.

Another letter I have wrote for you,
That I will never send.

I feel like I have been knocking on doors that don't want to be answered but are openned anyway because maybe people want to be polite, or they are curious as to why anyone is trying at all. I am an unwanted house guest that stays for tea once in awhile who, if lucky, gets invited back two or three times before the invitations stop coming, the door goes back to being unanswered.

I hope that one day I will knock on a door that wants to be answered. That this person will say, "Come in. Stay awhile."

Everyone should be able to to feel,
Comfortable in their own body.
Because everyone is beautiful,
Their own special brand of hottie.

I still expect your name to pop up in my open Facebook tab.
A message has been sent from so and so,
Maybe in reply to me,
Maybe with some weird picture you thought I would get a laugh out of,
Maybe just to say hello.
I know you won't.
I know it.

Even after we have not talked for some time
A part of me still expects you to be there.
A part of me hopes you still care.

Maybe you just became a habit.
Like every morning I make a coffee with breakfast and whenever I don't have that my entire day is thrown off. It has gotten to the point where I need that coffee in order to function. It may not be a good habit. I may be addicted to caffeine even. The point is that you are like my morning coffee without you I feel off.

I know that one day I won't feel that way. Like, if I did not drink coffee for long enough eventually things would be fine. Would it be the same with you? I hope so. But I don't think feelings are the same as caffeine addiction.

How am I supposed to sleep,
With your voice fresh in my mind?
I tried so hard to forget it,
This has put me in a bind.
I'm not supposed to miss you,
I'm not supposed to miss you at all.
Yet all my willpower has been taken from me,
With just a phone call.

I'm young.
I fall in love.
A lot.
And no love is ever the same.

There was my first love,
Whom I will always love,
Even when we're worlds apart.

The boy who took my heart in his hand,
And began to poke at it.
Sometimes with a feather, sometimes with a pointy stick.

He who I try to forget,
But remember for the memories we created.
The crazy moments we shared.

There's the love who wants to marry me,
Who maybe I could settle down with one day.
But not now.

My future loves who I will tell stories of,
My next great adventures,
People who will shape me.

Love in which I will have for my children one day,
When they become the light of my life.
That will surpass anything.

Love for my dreams,
My career,
My life.

Everyday I fall in love,
Not always with a person.
Sometimes it is an idea, a dream, a book, philosophy, the way the sky looks.

Everyday I find something to love,
Because I still can.
I hope I can spend my whole life falling in love.

I watch his cigarette smoke swirl around in a graceful dance above his head,
My eyes drift down towards his face,
To my surprise his eyes meet mine.
Before swiftly breaking my gaze,
I swear I could see the future.

We sit inches away from each other sneaking quiet glances, cracking jokes, exchanging smiles. Our legs slightly touching, nervous excited energy filling the air. This is the feeling I have long forgotten. This is the feeling I hope to hold onto.

She was walking in the middle of the night,
On the sidewalk in front of a gas station.
When a familiar face crossed her line of sight,
"Impossible!" She thought.

But there he was in plain view,
Just the same as he used to be, pumping gas.
Yet, she didn't know what to do.
As she walked away she said to herself, "He probably didn't recognize me."  

So, she set out on a mission to see if it was him,
And sent him a message.
This was all on a whim.
"Yes, that was me. I didn't see you!" He replied.

He told her he was disappointed he didn't see,
And asked how she had been.
She smiled at the computer screen,
"I'm great, maybe you'll get a chance to see me again." She typed.

A summer fling,
Brought together by a late night walk and the need to get gas.

Her heart didn't get out much,
She kept it locked up and rarely let it out to play.
It never complained,
Love was so passe.

At least, that is what the girl kept saying.
She couldn't help but think something was absent.
But she continued on with her life,
Boys came and went.

Then he came along,
Her heart fluttered as he neared.
So she isolated it,
Out of fear.

Over time,
The girl would grow accustomed to his smile.
The way it would brighten his face,
She found herself falling after awhile.

After being locked up for so long,
Her heart started to make noise.
She didn't know how to react,
Trying to keep herself poised.

"I kept you locked up,
For your own safety."
She whispered softly,
Hoping her heart wouldn't escape.

But the more he smiled,
The more her heart urged on.
Struggling behind carefully placed bars
It broke free, it was gone.

He held it in his hands,
Wordlessly.
She didn't know what to say,
All she could do was watch helplessly,
As he took her heart away.

Some find peace in music,
Others in quiet places,
The arms of friends,
Or the heart of a lover.

Personally,
I find peace in bad decisions,
Failed confessions,
Telling stories.
Those moments when I finally have reason enough to feel.

I’d rather be lost in the city,
Without any map
Or idea where I am going,
Than be stuck in a small town where everyone knows each other,
And every day has the same consistency.

I just want, for a short time in my life to get away.
I often times imagine myself in places like wonderland,
Where nothing makes sense and it doesn't matter to.
Where anxiety is a pointless thing and having tea is the priority.
But, then I have to remember that even wonderland had its own “rules” its own flaws and maybe one doesn't truly ever escape.

I guess that’s the beauty in life.
You have to learn to deal with what is difficult for you to handle.
Each experience is kind of like a fairy-tale in its own sense.
You have demons you need to fight, evil men and women to face, and if you don’t back down and push through you may have a chance to be happy.

I want to confess to you my everything,
As we count the stars above.
Call this what you may,
But I ask you not to call it love.