here i am
attempting to love dead;
mourning past life
life before your words lacerated
my throat like a sharp knife
before you claimed
to love the girl behind
these crazy eyes
before i was confined
to a bed of nails and broken lies

i have no choice anymore
your love is but a show and
i beg for the encore
there was so much left
for our brains to explore
but trust has been shattered
and our hearts are at war

don’t even know
what i want anymore,
writing poems in your notebook
on my apartment floor
opened my soul to you
like i've never done before
you roamed its empty hallways
then you slammed the front door

and now you beg me to let you back in
does your love ever end or begin?
i don't want to be stuck
on what could’ve been
but i'm exhausted
from repenting for every sin

i’ve run out of ways
to numb the pain
when you're gone from my life
i smell your scent in the rain
all i wanted was my freedom
but you're a ball and chain
all i wanted was pure love
but this one's driving me insane

my violent ideations
quell at the presence of
you only

as you lean in for a kiss
i find myself again
in some analeptic bliss

my mind is subdued by
only you

but you stepped out from
my dreams and now
you haunt reality

and this love is just an addiction
that i can't help but feed.

i am not happy,
the past will
never change;
the memories
still haunt me
& i don't
feel the same.

i feel so beaten up
i feel so broken down
i think about what you've done
and then i start to drown
this isn't even a poem
i'm just trying to explain my emotions
i'm trying to make you understand
just how badly you've left me broken
there is no longer any trust
there is nothing left i have for you
so now i must adjust
to being alone and away from you
and i just can't bring myself
to say a single word to you
it hurts me far too much
and yet... i still want you to
hold on to me with
the tightest of grips
i know i'm already drowning
but please don't let me sink

let me love you
let me leave you
let me love you
let me leave you

let me ******* leave you

looked in my mirror and saw you in the reflection
battered and ****** and deeply infected

by the demons who sought to poison you each night
and the venom i'd spit whenever we'd fight

i know you see me as a your ***** secret
but i’m not some drug that you can keep hidden

and i won't stand here, alone and awaiting
a love that is pure because i am not patient

but since you left, it only ever rains
and i stand outside drenched in shame

cause you used to kiss me extra ******* these days
           you used to kiss me extra ******* these days

]i built a wall
]to block your love
]because i’m not
]deserving of.