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s Jan 2018
i careen between
thoughts of you and death
try to vocalize what i’m feeling
but you nod and digress

your words are shards i wish to digest
your love, a memory i wish to forget
s Nov 2018
the empty
contour of yesterday
turns on itself

i reach in ...
toward oblivion

blind bliss

in search of
a blank simulacrum

any way to sin

anyone to satisfy
my evil soul within
who do you call to make the shootin' stop?
s Oct 2018
i looked in my mirror and saw you in the reflection
all battered and ****** and clearly infected

by the demons who sought to poison you each night
and the venom i'd spit whenever we'd fight

so now you treat me as your ***** secret
but i'm not some drug that you can keep hidden

and i won't stand here, alone and awaiting
a love that is pure, because i am not patient

still, since you've left it only ever rains
as i stand outside drenched in my own shame

cause you used to kiss me extra ******* these days
           you used to kiss me extra ******* these days
wake up vomiting
wake up alone
who knew this love
would turn heart to stone
it's much too late
to ever atone
for all that is lost.

i'm already gone.
s May 2018
the transitory nature of
your touch

disconcerting emotions sustained
by memories that stick like dust

i can’t get enough of this-
whatever ‘this’ is

my mind harps on about
your warmth, presence, and kiss

your broken hands grasp mine,
my poisoned lips touch yours;

nothing more than a sad race
to see who succumbs first

to the secret silencing both of us:
subdued, i bite my tongue

‘love’s’ just a synonym for ‘guilt’
and guilt’s the only race that i have won.
i wrote this a while ago but realized that i never posted it here proud of this one
s May 2016
Depression has crept his way into my bones
And made a home
For rent he pays me in tears and self-loathing
(This is the richest I’ve been in months)
Each morning he sips coffee and reads sad poetry like it’s the daily news
He makes a mess of my body
He’s such a terrible guest
And I’m getting tired of his shenanigans
But he has nowhere else to go
Maybe soon, he will pack up a few things and take a vacation to some faraway place
But even if he does, he’ll be back shortly
Because I am his permanent residence,
And he is far too comfortable here
To ever move out.
s Jul 2018
i try to suppress the pain
but emotion isn't docile
i form words to explain
but it's all juvenile
& i want to be heard
but language is so futile
though i can think as an adult,
i speak like a ******* child

the ringing in my ears
won't seem to cease
my body burns in hell
while everyone else
gets to roam free
no hope for the future
hope is naive

i'm just longing
to feel nothing,
because nothing
creates peace.
how can i feel so much yet so little?
s Jan 2016
yesterday i asked
how the sunset looked
by you
and you replied that
it was "nothing special,
just blue"
and i couldn't help
but wonder
if you've ever used
the same words
to describe me
s Jun 2018
there's a lot wrong
with the earth-
& with my head
i'm trying to shed my addict skin
i'm so much more than what i depict
& i've come pretty far,
considering where i've been

& this world may be bleak
but i've gained some light
by burning down every
bridge in my sight-
you may say my pyromania
is born out of spite
but your toxicity is now gone.
i can finally breathe right.

so i'm going to continue
to fix myself
i'll box up old memories,
hide them high on a shelf
because i’m done treating the past
as my prison cell.
i've roamed ******* far
from the pits of your hell.
s Oct 2018
i am not happy,
the past will
never change;
the memories
still haunt me
& i don't
feel the same.
its just me n myself
once again
cuz i lost my lover
lost my best friend
he was never truly there
a figment of my imagination
all i wanted was his care
but love always leads to manipulation
so teach me how to move on,
teach me how to move anything
i am already too far gone,
but still craving your everything
s Aug 2018
]i built a wall
]to block your love
]because i’m not
]deserving of.
s Dec 2015
i walk on stilts
so no one can tell
how small you make me feel
does that make sense?
not everything makes sense
it doesn’t have to
you never did
and what i feel for you never does
i keep smashing our picture frames
and letting myself get cut on the glass
‘cause i’m not ready to clean up the shards
i don’t seem to be ready for anything
it’s been two months
since i’ve heard you sleep talk
and i swear silence
has never felt louder
now at night
i can't ever fall asleep
without wondering
how small her hands are
compared to yours
and if they’re enough for you to hold onto
i wonder how soft her lips are
and if you cringe
when she leans in for a kiss
sometimes i wonder
if i saw you in a grocery store one day
if we would make small talk
i wonder if i would want to punch your face
or caress it
i think i knew
that loving you
was a death wish
i guess i just didn’t realize that
you would refuse
to write the eulogy
or even show up
to the ******* funeral
s Jun 2019
let’s watch history repeat itself
we know the song and dance by now
i’ll push you away with contorted hands
let the delusions block me out

i’m never satisfied, it’s the ******* truth
addicted to attention, obsessed with you
but my expectations are always too **** high
& it’s impossible to see me through

love’s nothin but a pathetic joke
built to erode
what did i try to preserve
even roses decompose

i’m in pain
just a silhouette lately
yea i’m listening to elliott smith
what did you ******* expect
Yea I wrote something for the first time in months and it’s **** what about it
s Jun 2019
**** im
putting you through hell
refusing to see the human in you
refusing to believe anything at all

yet you’re strength
i mean: you are strength
you compensate
for my lack thereof

ive crashed into you for 3 years now
a recurring tidal wave
fell for your addict eyes long ago
love the clean ones just the same

you are my memories
you’re everything in me
you’re the courage i’ve found recently
  i don’t give you enough credit.
i only want one person to read this & i hope you do
s Nov 2018
here i am again
attempting to love the dead;
mourning a past life
a life before your words lacerated
my throat like a sharp knife
before you claimed
to love the girl behind
these crazy eyes
long before i was confined
to a bed of nails and broken lies

but i feel i have no choice anymore
your love is but a show yet
i'm begging for the encore
there is so much left
for our brains to explore
but our trust has been shattered
and our hearts are at war

so it goes that i must leave you at last
i'll grieve the happy memories
as they have gone and passed

but it’s time i go alone
so i don't destroy you as i crash
**** that
s May 2016
you've got me feeling
light headed
like some kind of coke freak;
but i'm not drunk
and i don't want to be.
i want to
lay in the back seat of your car,
weave my hand into yours,
and make you say my name
as if it were a bible verse.
s Jul 2016
you swallow me
then spit me out
when you
I have nothing
to offer you
but love.
nothing to give
to you
but everything
I have.
s Oct 2018
i feel so beaten up
i feel so broken down
i think about what you've done
and then i start to drown
this isn't even a poem
i'm just trying to explain my emotions
i'm trying to make you understand
just how badly you've left me broken
there is no longer any trust
there is nothing left i have for you
so now i must adjust
to being alone and away from you
and i just can't bring myself
to say a single word to you
it hurts me far too much
and yet... i still want you to
hold on to me with
the tightest of grips
i know i'm already drowning
but please don't let me sink

let me love you
let me leave you
let me love you
let me leave you

let me ******* leave you
s Jun 2016
you shattered my feelings
and i tried to digest the
shards but cut my vocal
chords on the glass. i find it
difficult to talk now, but it makes
no difference because you never
listened to my words to begin with.

looking at you is dangerous, like
when you stare at the sun for too long and
it puts a strain on your eyes. it burns,
but you're still beautiful so i tolerate the pain.

i knew this love would hurt me,
but i never thought it would leave me
mute and blind.
s May 2018
you little shattered thing, have
you lost your pieces again?
are you still
seeking comfort
from someone's
apathetic hands?
allowing yourself to cave in
to their abysmal demands?

you stupid little thing you
disappear more every day
even your reflection dissipates
cause it can't bare to see your face

you human-turned-monster
have you forgotten how to live?
didn't anyone teach you how to give
parts of yourself to the others?

you ******* idiot
why can't you remember the past?
do you just choose to forget?
and why do you lie
about your quiet laments?
are you blissfully ignorant  
or are you consumed by regret?

     your sweet shy soul
     where did it go?
s Nov 2018
my violent ideations
quell at the presence of
you only

as you lean in for a kiss
i find myself again
in some analeptic bliss

my mind is subdued by
only you

but you stepped out from
my dreams and now
you haunt reality

and this love is just an addiction
that i can't help but feed.
s Dec 2015
I’ve got cracks on the inside
From heartbreak
That shook me like an earthquake.
Every freckle you’ve kissed
Burns in the sunlight.
Sometimes storm clouds
Roll into the horizons of my eyes
And pour.
You planted flowers in my skull
And they used to bloom
When I thought of you,
But they must have been annuals
Because they died this fall.
And despite my best efforts,
They won’t come back.
s Dec 2015
there are these old memories i have of us;
i swear they're more heartwarming
than any romcom film.
on wednesday you kissed my forehead and
it made me feel wanted, at least for a few seconds.
i want to know why you can cheat on her with me
but you can't leave her for me.
you told me i was enough
yet here i am scrambling to find anything
that can mask the pieces that are missing from me.
i want to be whole for you.
is she whole?
does she know you're not holy?
i want to make you whole.
****** poem but boy am i sad ovr this stupid dumb boy who broke my heart
s Oct 2017
he’s addicted to the high
from egotistical joy rides. he revels
in self pride, arrogance apparent in
his stride. but his confident exterior
is built from narcissistic lies. he can’t handle
hearing “no”- rejection leaves him mortified.    

this is not the first time
he's come to me ****-eyed.      
he asks for my consent, politely i deny.
he refuses to listen, preparing to defy.
my fear becomes palpable-
his desire

“no, no, no!” yet his hands
are on my thighs. “we have to tonight.”
his words cut like a knife.
i don’t understand why
i’m forced to comply. (this is my body,
don’t i get to decide?)

my bones calcify, my heart’s
a ship that’s capsized
i’ve been dehumanized and
yet i'm forced to act alive.

i look in the mirror
and let out a long sigh-
is it his soul or mine
that’s been demonized?
s Nov 2015
every night
before i sleep
i pray that tomorrow’s forecast
will be cloudy.
you know,
when the sky is a clear blue
it’s most painful for me
because it reminds me
too much of your eyes

our love was not illicit
but you sure as hell made it feel that way
when you touched me like i was paraphernalia
and not person

i’m beginning to think
that i was some sort of mental illness
in your mind
because you never mentioned me
to other people

you know that feeling
when you can't remember
if something actually happened
or you just dreamed it?
that's what it felt like
the first time you said you loved me

when you promised me the world
i shouldn’t have expected anything more
than a miniature globe

math always told me
that two negatives
make a positive
but i think
the two of us
may have proved
that theory wrong

i hope the sky
is not as clearly blue
as i am tomorrow
s Dec 2015
there is no sanctity
in the way you caress my face
although i always convince myself there is.
it's kind of like religion in that way:
all of the words
and thoughts
and actions
that created us
and linked us
are probably
fabricated lies.
and yet, i still look to you
as if you are a font of holy water
inside of a church,
as if your contents
were blessed
by some higher being.
i'm constantly getting drunk
hoping that maybe this wine
will turn into the blood of christ
or the blood of you
but it doesn't,
and i just get more drunk
and less whole.
it's a pity, really,
that i continue
to be so pious
and so faithful
to you, to god
when the only thing
the two of you really have in common
is you both love to let me down.
s Nov 2018
i don't even know
what i want anymore,
writing poems in your notebook
on my apartment floor
i opened myself to you
like i've never done before
you roamed those empty hallways
before you slammed the front door

but now you beg me to let you back in
does your love ever end or begin?
i don't want to be hung up
on what could-have-been
but i'm exhausted from repenting
for all of these sins

and i'm running out of ways
to numb the pain
you're gone from my life
but i smell your scent in the rain
all i wanted was my freedom
but you're a ball and chain
all i wanted was pure love
but this one's driving me insane
s Sep 2018
if i don’t chase after depression,
then depression chases after me
it apprehends my happiness-
smothers it with apathy

it harasses my mind and thought
drowns my conscience in regret
renders me inconsequential
like everyone else you will forget

anxiety takes a razor and
carves craters in our cadent hearts
we were once so harmonious together
now i guess we’re best apart

mental illness plagues my soul
it dissolves my brain and bone
and it’s very much contagious
so i deserve to be alone

at times i envision the future
and think about how i could mend ****
but depression explains how much easier
it would be for me to just end it

now apathy drains the strength from my body
and tucks me
into a grave.

if i can not fight my sadness, there’s
no ******* way
i can be saved.
alternative title: emo poem
s Jun 2016
i let people walk all over me
like the red carpet except
i’m not nearly as beautiful
or highly regarded.

falling down, i put on high
heels with you in mind, to look
more attractive, to appear taller;
i twist my ankle but you don’t
care about how painful it is when
i try to look good for you.

at night, i slip into
a lonely unconsciousness,
while you slip into
another girl’s bed.
s Jul 2018
started up high but fell down below
no matter what i try reality won’t slow
it’s too fast if anything
much like my inexhaustible heartbeat
there’s no cure to atrophy
no rhyme or reason
just a whole lot of apathy
empty hours spent alone
empty days spent apart
scars heal on skin
but traumatize the mind
the pain hangs like a noose
a personal rain cloud
your past is not kind
& my insecurity is too loud

it would all be so simple
if i could learn to trust
but i don’t have the guts.
s Aug 2016
anxiety is a terrorist
who holds me at gun point
and hijacks the plane that
i should be flying.
i don't know where we're headed
or what i'm going to do.

i am not safe on my own.
s Aug 2016
anxiety kicks down the door
and holds you at gunpoint-
he, who is the most unforgiving of all,
does not care where you come from,
what you’re doing, who you’re with.
he hijacks the system. he takes over
the plane you were trained to fly. he
is a terrorist who you cannot escape
from and you cannot imprison.

you are not safe in your body.
first piece, edited
s Jul 2016
a bug flew into my windshield yesterday
and i wanted to scream
because it resembled you

but i see you everywhere
in the flowers in the trees in the breeze
in my dreams

all the tiny insects look like you
s May 2016
i have scratches on the sides of my head
from trying to rip my brain to shreds
i can’t elicit my feelings into truth
no matter how hard i try
and i feel trapped

my sadness is not a cathartic experience
it doesn’t inspire me
it is not beautiful

there is no fixing me
i’m not broken
i’m just ****** up
s Jul 2016
i am laying in bed
enveloped in my blue comforter
keeping company
with my bittersweet nostalgia

last year
you were eighteen
i was in love

birthday gifts consisting of
shy smiles and secret touches,
i wrapped my hand around yours
like a ribbon bow, and when you
blew out the candles, i wondered what
you were wishing for

last year
i was wishing for a future together

i am sleeping alone.
6/30- happy birthday
s Dec 2015
my feelings are elusive,
my mind is but a mess,
and though the evidence is conclusive,
nobody knows that i’m depressed.
sad depression evidence
s May 2016
i am
the sky,
and you,
a sunset.
i know
you are
but i'm
begging you
to stay. nobody
knows how to
appreciate me
without you.
s Nov 2015
Forced to capitulate

To your unwanted demands:

So I no longer beg for you to come back,

But still I lament over what was lost.

And idly I watch as you drive the other girl home

And stroke the other girl’s hair;

And with fervor I kiss other boys

But still, they are not you.

And I never was good at make-believe

But so vividly I can envision you

Touching her with true passion

Because she is not me.
And I never was good with make-believe,
But somehow, while depicting my nightmare,

I also scripted her fairy tale.

And I never was good with make-believe,

But it seems as though

The pretend situations are all but pretend.

I never was good with make-believe.

Or so I thought.
s Nov 2015
my mother has a soft voice,
and what is soft is also fragile.
so when she was told that I am suicidal
I’m sure that her voice box shattered.
my father is bulky, and stocky,
but he is not strong:
he broke down when he found out about my depression.
but how can I be blamed for trying to mask this pain,
when my family taught me to play dress up my whole life?
when “how are yous” never sounded like genuine questions,
and “fines” never seemed to be genuine answers?
when mommy and daddy would scream at each other in the kitchen
while I would scream into my pillow?–
as I grew up, I grew accustomed to slamming doors and harsh words
but I did not know why our relatives were never invited over for Christmas
or why the sound of the ball dropping on New Years was all too familiar:
every ******* day felt like January 1st in my household…
I did not know that some parents actually kissed each other goodbye:
I was so naive back then
I have now callused with age
and I have held the burden of hatred on my shoulders for too ******* long.
but I have never held love in the palm of my hand
Hell, I have never even seen it with my own two eyes
only divorce papers carelessly left out on the kitchen table.
I am exhausted from the animosity
and I just want to leave.
but I am scared to go,
because I know,
mom and dad won’t kiss me
before I say goodbye.
s Nov 2015
i find that my fingertips and
your visage are nearly inseparable;
as i trace, you smile, and the wrinkles
in your face remind me that
even the most beautiful things
can be laced with imperfection
s Dec 2015
you were always so inconsistent:
one moment, a rock to cling to -
the next, a crumbling cliff.
I sought a sturdy grip
but my fingers slipped all over you.
you never did have a stable foundation,
perhaps that is why you fell apart on me.
s Oct 2017
my mind is a war zone, my body’s shackled to depression
get to know me if you want to but use your discretion
i’ll push you far away and then i’ll beg for your attention-
i’ll convince us both it’s love though you’re merely a projection.
s Aug 2016
the things that i think about-
no one else would want to think about
and i'm convinced nobody does think
about them.

i treat my past memories as razor blades
and carve into my skin until
i am lacking sufficient blood
and i am struggling for oxygen.

i wish someone would explain to me
why you still have such a hold on me
and why your words still echo the walls of
my empty mind
especially on lonely nights
like these.

why can't i fall out of love with someone
who never loved me to begin with?
s Jul 2019
ur lies breed like bacteria
i’m not fixated on what’s real anymore
i know i can’t get that from u
i go motion to motion
don’t wanna feed into ur massacre
i’m impartial
but still afflicted
guess loves contagious
silent killer
you must think i’m stupid at this point. don’t you see how it all adds up? as u started liking her posts randomly then lying about what you were doing and hanging out with her as she sat there twirling her hair at you while you were running your hands through yours. i don’t ******* say this **** but i think about it every day.& then finding that you wrote she would help you with studying for your final in your planner, then finding an index with her “practicing her handwriting” all over it in your folder? then you continuing to talk to her behind my back when we became long distance? you truly think i’m dumb and i just go along with it at this point. i don’t care the way i used to anymore. i feel nothing. and i’m writing this here because i’ll never have the ***** to admit it to you and guess what you’ll never ******* read it here, i already know it. i don’t ******* care the way i used to. and i don’t feel the same anymore. and it’s the ******* truth.

— The End —