Preoccupation with making something permanent
A feeling of expectation
incorporation of a certain situation
or habitation into life, for good
It makes me freak out.
Desire,
for a certain thing to happen
fear of that something actually happening
Or that it's something that might be permanent.
Worry,
the attempt to find certainty
the desire to control things.
Control you, controlling me
I'm afraid you'll find my black
It will come back again.
It's like an arc weld done incorrectly
Eventually it will start to bleed
And fall apart.
But I dreamt about welding and you welding me
into something permanent
something desirable
something non-penetrable.
You had me molded against the truck and...
I don't know who you are, but you put your fire in me
So deeply it burns.
A fire that firefighters can't dissolve
Doctors can't resolve.
You're in me,
and I love you.

The problems I have are bigger than me, friend
They are bigger than you, than you could imagine
And bigger than the god you believe in

People keep telling me to be patient
But I have been a patient my whole entire life
There's nothing that this so-called-god has fixed

I have no faith in man or in god
Or the doctors that both of those come from
I only have faith in myself and the things I have done

God and man have hurt, stolen and crippled me
There was no exterior angel that repaired me
There was only me and the things I have done

How many pools of blood must I lay in asking, "am I gonna die?"
Yeah, I'm gonna die, but that's not up to man
It's up to me, and the things I have done.

It was always a joke, phrase or idiom
It wasn't an analysis of what we did to them
The paralysis which was led by God or men
Who left a woman with a life condemned
And "he" is not found, but here I am.

I lost my arm to a waterfall
Fostered harm by something beautiful
A hand and forearm unmade musical
Water on land intersects not once, several
A band of storms lay down by that Neanderthal.

Waters splash like cymbals crash
Like whiplash from 3 cars smashed
Like fast paced life becoming past
Like a harassed female, never asked
And at long last... I'm unembarrassed.

Soft as water came, it became a hurricane
Pain blows through my veins and brain
I sound insane as I strain to explain
Doctors abstain and became inhumane
Riding the insane a-train to remain...
...a soft stream of water.

The closer I get to being done
The more I see a bed at home
A bed alone
It's made of sticks and stones
Each night it breaks my back bones
I get so ****** up when I'm alone
It's so ****** up
That I find someone.

The people will always show
Not once but twice in a row
Alignment perfectly chronological
Calloused and shallow
When they are illogical
Waving words so psychological
Psychologically ****** up
It's so ****** up
That I found them at all

For a moment I'm special
So quickly I'm gone
Your feelings grew strong
With misplaced infatuations along
I've been doing this dance so long
I should know when I'm done wrong
Skipping and singing along
It's so ****** up
I've memorized the lyrics to this song

You congratulate me
On every... tiny... victory
Like I am tiny, like I'm a baby
Whose cheerio bowl is emptied
On time with the finale of your meal
And cheered on when I'm not whiny
When fighting this or that ordeal
And like a parent to a child
You tell me that you're proud of me
As if YOU get the reward of pride
As though you built my profile
But through all your ignorance...
I smile
Entertained by anything shiny.

The action... a stance
Or is it a sequence...
As in
the ordered number of
Events
Or movements
Or things
That follow each other...
Patterns, repetitions
Within one, or each,
Other.

A complicated concept
Dumbed-down
For even a weak mind
To easily interpret
It's more than just
"understanding" they get
These weak minds,
Seemingly, flock to it.