you made me promise
that i'd never cut.
then why the hell
did you inscribe
your name
your smile
your heart
all over my arms
in thin fragile lines
flowing with blood

you make me want to
cry
and
drink
and
cut
and
die

to me, you and i
rhymes really well
with **a l i v e

If I walked up to you and
asked if you were happy
and you said no
and I asked you
what would make you happy
again
would you reply
us?

but I guess
shooting stars were made
for better wishes
than the fixing
of my shattered
heart.

they told me i could find out
how you feel about me
by the way you kiss me.

you kissed with all your strength
yet at the same time gentle
you kissed with passion and with rage
you kissed me all-consuming.

i could've judged by those
so many kisses
that i meant the world to you
and that you ******* adored me

oh! was i such a fool!
it turns out you could kiss me
like i was everything
and at the same time i meant
**N O T H I N G

while others dream of
getting an education
finding a job
getting a husband
buying a house
choosing curtains
washing sheets
doing chores
and shopping groceries for the week at the local supermarket
going out with the girls for a night out at some nice pub
having a baby
changing diapers
teaching your kid to talk and read
living the dream
cooking pies for pastry contests
growing old and becoming
a nanny
playing bingo in the local club
and driving a nice car
and not having troublesome teenagers
and dying peacefully
and having a fairly nice funeral
and a nice piece of land in the local cemetery,
I dream of
staying up until 4 a.m.
the only light coming from my
laptop screen
killing characters while pressing
keyboard buttons
drinking wine
and smoking rolled
cigarettes
in a cramped apartment
in some unknown city
a room
stuffed with art
and scattered manuscripts
all over the floor
caffeine nights
and starving my body
but feeding my mind
and freeing my soul
I don't dream of getting married
but of getting my characters together and
then drifting them apart
I don't dream of having children
but of writing children who
grab the opportunity and live
a fascinating life
I don't dream of living
I dream of creating lives
and deaths
and dreams
and love
I don't dream of dying an old lady
I dream of immortalising myself
in creating fictional lives

you and I
is a collocation
that was never
meant to
exist

you would say "i love this movie"
you would say "i love this food"
you would say "i love to do this"
the way this sentence never ended? *"-you"

you're a gulp of breath
and i am drowning.

i'm a droplet of water
and you're an ocean

Hello, hello,
you sweet little child.
Hello, hello,
you innocent soul.

Can you see me cry?
Can you see the demons
reflected in my eyes?
Can you see the scars
inscribed on my skin?
Can you see through my mask,
so feeble, so terribly thin?
Can you see it peeling off,
can you see me rotting?

Hello, hello,
you sweet little child.
Hello, hello,
you innocent soul.

Are you afraid?
Are you scared of the
big bad scarred monster
on your doorstep?

My scars relinquishing in
sunlight,
the devils inside me
caught in a ****** war,
the pain that's decaying
my organs, my soul,
my body crumbling
like pastries to dust,
my tormented existence,
my struggle through life.
Gnawed at by self-hatred,
praised by self-harm,
thriving in blades,
awash with blood...

Can you see this?
Can you hear them?

Can you hear the voices
roaring in my head,
screaming, yelling,
howling
sweet little
"disgusting"s
"failure"s
"****"s
"good-for-nothing"s
"nobo­dy-needs-you"s
"ugly"s
"fat"s
"stupid"s
"pathetic"s
"you're better off dead"
?

Can you hear
the cry of my veins?
Can you hear my blood
begging for release?
Can you hear
my gut-wrenching
cries for help?
Can you hear my screams?

Can you see the figures
scrutinising me
deep inside my head?
Can you see the pain
bleeding down my
arms
and things?
Can you see me
ripping myself slowly
thread by ******* thread?

Hello, hello,
you sweet little child.
Hello, hello,
you innocent soul.

Can you recognise me?
Can you see yourself?

Don't stay, my sweet little girl,
don't stay,
run away,
my sweet little girl,
greetings from your
future self
on the path to decay.

i loved you
and i love you still.
you never did,
you never will.

a jungle
2. a mountaintop
3. a cave
4. a desert
5. a forest
6. the bottom of the ocean
7. a wild beach
8. the fictional worlds of my imagination
9. Atlantis
10. in your arms

and of all these places,
the last one
is where
I'll never
ever
ever
be.

I've always been fat
and so what.
looks don't define.

I've always been ugly
and so what.
looks don't define.

I used to think I was smart
but it turns out I'm not.

I used to think my brains
were my best quality.
It turns out that's
just another lie.

I am so stupid so dumb
so so so dumb

what is the point of you
you ******* useless
good-for-nothing
*******

I keep the words you told me
deep inside my brain
and they bleed into my veins;
I'm bruised all over
and your absence
has driven me insane.

you keep me awake
because if I close my eyes
you'll be in my dreams
breaking my heart
every night

stop haunting me,
you ****

i love you
your hair (though you like to cut it too short)
your eyes (the way they gleam when you look at me)
your nose (though you say it's too big)
your lips (they fit mine so perfectly)
your neck (it was made for my face)
your chest (my favourite pillow)
your arms (wrapped around me)
your hands (in mine, around my waist, on the small of my back, on my face, everywhere)
your legs (wrapped around me, or entwined with mine)

i love your jokes
your mind
your way with words

i love every fiber of your body
i love every thread of your soul

i love you and everything about you

*
i give you this.
it's of no use to me.
you're not mine anymore
your eyes don't gleam
and i don't feel you pressed against me.
i give you this.
remember what you had
and how you broke me.
keep it.
throw it.
just whatever.
maybe give it to the next
one.
i guarantee you
she'll never love you
like i did.

and just a p.s.
read all the poems
i wrote about you
and ask yourself
why you
don't have a heart.

I'm not sure if I want you anymore
or if I want to make you suffer
or if I want you to make me suffer
or if I want us to fix each other.

**** me until I'm out of breath
out of love
out of life

**** me until we can't be any closer
to each other
**** me until I know
whether I want to be yours
or not

**** me until you destroy me
**** my body like you ****** my soul

**** me
*******
oh we're ******

**** me until
there's either you and me
or *us

it's such a thin line
between hatred and love.

a thread.
so feeble.

it's such a thin line
between heaven and hell.

a thread.
so feeble.

it's such a thin line
between you and me

that i can't tell
if it's heaven or hell
if it's hatred or love
if it's you and me or if it's *us

one year ago
on this day
you came over
for the second time

we watched edward scissorhands
and we were all over each other

we drank my favorite tea
the divine-smelling one
with four red fruits
the one I'd been promising
to let you taste
for many months

we took our first pictures
as a couple

one year ago
this was one of the happiest days
in my life.

two weeks ago
we were fine
we were happy
two weeks ago I was yours

one week ago
I was not yours anymore

well look at us now

не мога да твърдя със сигурност,
че това е било в твоята глава,
но те познавам достатъчно,
за да знам, че е така.

не искам свръх сили,
за да прочета мислите ти,
но не ме боли по - малко,
знаейки какво си изпитвал,
преструвайки се, че знача нещо за теб.

може би не особено точно,
но ето възстановка
на мислите в главата на С.:

рано сутринта, след първия час:
"ох пак ли сложи си усмивка на лицето седни до нея дай й целувка давай не е толкова трудно да се преструваш не може ли просто да си чете книгата и да не се нуждае от твоето присъствие смей се на тъпите й шеги слушай тъпото й оплакване от майка й от учителките й от съучениците й от света от нея самата от някой филм от някоя книга престори се че има някакво значение вметни някоя успокоителна дума дай гуш дай цун ох по - добре да съм при съучениците си как не искам да съм тук и да правя това прегърни я целувка по бузката смей се смей се СМЕЙ СЕ фалива усмивка фалшива целувка ох звънец хайде чао ще се видим днес"

в някой момент към обяд, във фейсбук:
"престори се че ти пука пиши й питай я как е поддържай разговор дръж се естествено всичко е наред преструвай се че ти пука смей се смей се ОХ ОТИВАМ ДА ОБЯДВАМ за малко без нея момент свобода поеми си въздух и след малко пак как си какво правиш преструвай се че ти пука задавай въпроси прати тъпи картинки и клипчета какво ще правим днес изтегли ли филма добре че са филмите аз ставам до после"

следобед:
"усмихвай се прегръщай я целувай я гледай филма смей се спуунинг гуш целувка не е трудно преструвай се дали да се възползвам от тялото й щом така ми го предлага хайде да/хайде не поиграй си на телефона ох тая пак се цупи иви не се цупи айде пак обвинения ама тя е права ох тя спира ли изобщо да реве иви стига още малко лъжи още МНОГО ЛЪЖИ йей тръгвам си"

вечер:
"ох пак трябва да й пиша как си правих това и това отивам да вечерям мама сяда тук съм как си кажи нещо преструвай се скандал пак скандал тая лудата пак иска да се реже толкова е нестабилна как да й кажа не изпитвам нищо към нея не я искам махни се ще гледам филм/клипче/ще цъкам игра лека нощ последна целувка"

и утре пак.

fix me
FIX ME
F (uck me)
I (want you back)
X (is not the word I want to be described with)

M (ine, you were mine and now who are you)
E (vol; maybe if I spell it backwards I can rewind the clock)

fix me
FIX ME
*******
**** ME
FIX ME (it's not your fault I'm broken, it's just that you had
almost made me alright
and now you
crushed me)

fiX Me
i just need to function again
please
please
please

fix me
before I break
every promise
and inscribe
your name on my skin
in red lines

*******
**** me
fix me

they sometimes ask
what superpowers
I would like to have

I'd like to be invisible
and to travel in time
and to read minds

so that I could
go back
and know what
you thought

every time you
kissed me
when you didn't mean it

I’ve always been the outsider.
The girl who dreams.
The girl who laughs too much
and cries too much.

But most importantly,
I've always been
the girl who reads.

I raised myself with books.
In words I found salvation,
in those rows and rows of
soldier-like words
I found my closest friends.

From books alone, I learned
about friendship and family,
and love, and tolerance,
equality and death.

Like a sponge, I absorbed those ideas
and words, and phrases,
and all I read about,
and when the time was ripe,
the sponge bled out
with all the words
it had taken in,
and its ink blood
covered myriad pages.

I am so young, just a kid, really,
and my life so far has been
just a pile of books I’ve read.
I want to change this,
to create a new pile –
of the books I’ve written,
of the worlds I've made.

Clumsy poetry and short stories,
and unfinished novels,
and the constant voice
making up stories and characters
in the back of my mind -
that's what I live for,
and the air I breathe.

I’m so young, just a kid, really,
but I know what I want from my life –
I want to write books and shape the lives
of other little kids who will pick up my
books, and read them, and learn about life.

they ask me
why i read.

they ask about
the books in
my room.

well here it goes:
i ripped my heart
out of my rib cage
and cell by cell
i tore it apart.

i ripped my soul
out of
wherever the **** it was
and thread by thread
i tore it apart.

and then
i opened all my
books
and between
each page
i carefully
tucked
a cell
or
a thread

and now
my heart
and soul
are safe
inside
the stories
other people
had to tell.

today
is the last day  
i'm crying.

today
is the last day
i'm hurt.

today
is the last day
i'm lonely.

tomorrow i won't cry.
tomorrow i will smile.
tomorrow i won't push away
the ones who love me.
tomorrow i will not be hurt.

tomorrow, yes.
but not today.

this one is for you
little soul.
this one is for you
broken heart.
this one's for the person
who cries late at night.

you're not
alone.
and it's not over
yet.

stay strong.
go on.

the blade is not
the answer.

stay strong.
move on.

tomorrow
will be
better.

My hands are empty
without your fingers
filling the spaces between mine.

My body is aching
to have you
wrapped around.

My skin is itching
and every inch of it
craves for your touch.

My lips are burning
for yours to be pressed
against them.

And my heart is
beating a
steady
"comebackcomebackcomeback".

alone
broken
crushed
destroyed
empty
******-up
gory
hurt
isolated
******
killed
liquored
murdered
nonchalant
ostentatious
painful
quitter
resented
stupid
troublesome
ugly
vicious
*****
xenic
yielder
zymotic

STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP
STOP IT NOW

you're not
a
word

a word
does not
define

look in the mirror
right now.

this is not you.

close your
eyes
and
see
your soul.

"Hello,
oh wow,
you're gorgeous."

I have no limbs.
I have no organs.
I’m not tissues  
and cells.
I’m not atoms
held together by an
unknown force.
I am emptiness.
I’m nothing.
An explosion of pain.
I can feel my skin
peeling off;
I am falling apart.
Today, I’m an exception
from the biology book.
Today, I am a shrapnel
in a futile war.

you're not your hair:
you can cut it dye it curl it straighten it shave it bend it twist it;

you're not your face:
you can hide it under layers of make-up you can put on lenses you can change your face in a matter of minutes;

you're not your skin:
you can cut it draw on it bite it tear it;

you're not your body:
you can lose weight gain weight;

you're not your clothes:
strip them off;

never reduce
yourself
to
a colour
a number
an adjective
a noun

never reduce
yourself
to a simple
word

you are
the thoughts you have at 3 a.m.
the lame jokes you tell your friends
the art you create
the books you read
the pages you have dog-eared
the quotes you have highlighted
the coffee you never finished drinking
the movie you watch after midnight, wrapped in a blanket
the chocolate cake you ate that night with that girl
the slice of pizza you could've eaten but you gave to your best friend
the kiss that still burns on your lips
the cigarettes that sting in your lungs long after you smoked them
the dreams you dream
the worlds you build in your mind
the song that's stuck in your head
the moments you're in the shower
the iloveyous
the ikindaguessilikeyous
the icareforyous
the seeyoulaters
the words you say
the smiles you smile
the laughs you laugh
the loves you love
the hates you hate

you are
an entire universe:
you're stars
and planets
and galaxies
and asteroids
and comets

you are a cosmos
trapped in
a shell.

you are
a gazillion worlds
locked in
a human cage.

never think
of yourself
as of
anything
less.

i'm a biologist
but i have no idea why
you hurt so much
you're just a muscle
just a pump
just tissue
connected with veins
and arteries
you're just
a bunch of cells
forced to hold on
together
by the laws of nature

you're so useless
just stop hurting already
i can't find a scientific
explanation
and it drives me
round the bend

so

just

stop

hurting

already.

give me wings.
set me free.
i want to travel
to every edge of the world.
i want to sleep
on park benches.
i want to eat foreign
cuisine
and drink cheap
coffee, half asleep,
in a booth in a
cheap restaurant by
the road.
i want to walk barefoot
through fields of daisies;
i want to bury my toes
in the sand and feel the
wind in my hair
on a beach in October.
i want to breathe the
salty air in
and write poetry on
the cliffs.
i want to recite
cummings under the stars
while drinking cheap whisky
i want to run free
through fields of grass,
those green oceans of
morning dew.
i want to drive on
the highway at full
speed
and ***** the
speed limit.
i want to sing off-key
at the top of my lungs,
i want to hide in the
woods and make my
own recipes,
i want to cook
my own life
not by the rule book.
i want to be whom i've
always wanted to be.
don't tell me how
to live my life;
let me drink hot
chocolate,
sitting on a beach
at 4 a.m. in a
party dress;
let me drink
tequila in baby blue
cotton pyjamas,
let me waltz
to heavy metal,
let me breathe.
for ****'s sake
break my shackles.

you're my vanilla
you're my caffeine
you're my sweet fragrance
you're all i need

you taste like chocolate
you feel like silk
you're like cashmere
pressed to my skin

you're cream and sugar
you're pepper and salt
you are my sweetness
you are my boat

you are my books
and you are the films
i watch at midnight
you're under my skin
you are my light
and you're all i need

i wanna take the pain of yesterday
and all the pain of your tomorrow
i wanna make your fears go away
i wanna steal away your sorrow

i wanna wipe your tears away
and heal your scars forever
i wanna hold you day by day
and be with you whenever

you need my helping hand
to wrap myself around you
and never let the idyll end

no matter how hard
i try to forget
i try to move on
i try to live on
i guess you’ll remain
in my heart you will stay
forever right there
to hurt me.

you’re wrenching my heart
you sting in my veins
you’re the bags under my eyes
the dry tears on my face
the undrawn lines on my skin
the ache from within.

and i guess from now on
when i’m lonely
alone
i guess from now on
now once you’re gone
my pain has a name

if somebody asks
my pain has a name.
my pain is a “he”.

the first time i told you
those three words
you remained silent.
it was dark
we were in bed
in a foreign country
stealing kisses
and just then
i knew you felt it
when you kissed me
as an answer.


the second time
i told  you
those three words
was shortly
after christmas
in a three-page letter
with reasons why
and just then
i knew you felt it
when you kissed me
as an answer.


the third time
i told you
those three words
was on valentine's
in a tiny book
of poems
i had written
and just then
i knew you felt it
when you kissed me
as an answer.


the fourth time
i told you
those three words
was when
i told you
you were
the most important
person in my life.
you didn't kiss me
then
and i guess
you didn't feel it.

the fifth time
i told you
those three words
was after a fight
when you asked me
why i was still with you
when you made me
cry
every ******* day.
you didn't kiss me
then
and i guess
you didn't feel it.

the sixth time
i told you
those three words
was on a park bench
you were on your
knees
and crying.
you didn't kiss me then
you pushed me away.
you had words of your own
to say.

these were six,
and i guess it's
only fair.
now we're equal.

my six iloveyous
turned out to be
your six
"i have no feelings for you".

every time
you touched me
it meant the world
to me.
interstellar explosions
showers of stardust
the milky way on
my skin
traced by your fingers
and lips
galaxies of emotion
so cosmic
so out of this world

i don't know how to live with the fact
that your hands were all over me
and for you
it would've made no difference
had it been somebody else

or should i say some body else

you're angel dust
and sugar kisses,
you're a work
of art.
you're frosted glass
and rainbow mists,
you're snowflakes
and you're love.
you are your soul,
you are your dreams.
don't let  anyone
tell you
you're any less
than this.

when i met you
we were strangers
two lost souls
drifting together
two lost souls
with a common taste
in loneliness
two lost souls
prone to self-hatred
two lost souls
needing somebody
to love them.

when we were together
i gave you
all the loving
i could
and all the hatred
i felt for myself
i transformed
into the love
i gave to you.

when we were together
i believed you gave me
all you could
with all your
heart
and i believed you
just couldn't use
the right words
to describe your feelings
and i believed
you called it 'care'
because love
was too strong a word
for you.

now i know.
now i know
i fixed you
and you're not as
broken;
you absorbed my love
and used me
to fix yourself
but all the
progress
you'd made
fixing me
turned to nothingness
and star dust
in only six
little words:

1. i
2. have
3. no
4. feelings
5. for
6. you

when you left me
we were strangers
two souls
drifting apart;
when you left me
we were strangers
one more lonely time

i wanna take back all the poems
i wanna take back the ''i love you''s
i wanna take back all the tears
i wanna take back all the troubles.

but then i don't.

you deserved the lines i wrote
you deserved the misused quotes
you deserved my happiness
and you deserved my love

i don't want us to be over.
but you're gone.
so i should swallow
and let you leave
and let you go.

and i shall live
with those last kisses
and your arms around me
and the way you squeezed my face
and made me swear
and i shall live
with the thought
that you cried for me
and i shall live
with the ghost of your touches
and the sense of your lips against my skin.

but i shall live.
and i shall miss you.
but i'll move on
and you'll be over.

i know that you don't love me
i know that i don't matter
but i loved you
and i love you still
and soon i will be better.

if i could
i would
heal every bit of broken soul
inside you
if i could
i would
undo your scars
and make your skin
a perfect canvas
but i can’t
and life’s a terrible painter
who ******* up and ruined
the painting that is you
and all i am capable of
is taking all my watercolours
and fixing your canvas
and painting the rainbow
and making it better
i ****
at painting
but it’s all i can do
i’m pathetic
i’m sorry
but i’ll do
my best to fix you
in my clumsy way.

Breathe me in.
Cover me with kisses.
Take me, I am yours.
Put me back together
when I'm falling apart.

Hold me and heal me,
my soul and my body,
hold me, protect me,
kiss all of my scars.

We are so floating
when I cuddle in,
and I wish you'd
never go

because who's to
glue together
all the scattered
pieces?

Cold air.
Laughter.
Awkwardness.
It's March.

The wind is blowing
and my heart's
about to turn
to dust,
and butterflies -
I want to **** them
so there's only
us.

The world's reduced
to cold March air
and thumping hearts,
and maddened butterflies,
and our uneven breathing,
and a kiss and
us.

all i ask for
is your hand
in my hand;
your chest
pressed to my back;
your thighs to my thighs;
our tangled ankles
and your lips
at the nape of my neck.

and i'm so happy
with just
as much.

It is so ******* hard
to smile sometimes.
It is so ******* hard
to wear a mask.
It cracks up, very often,
and there's so much
that I fake.

But then there's you.
You see what's underneath
and I don't have to
fake it anymore

because

there's a monster
hidden there
and you're not scared
and I've never been
so much
alright before.

i really wish i could do something
to show you that you
matter
that you are so much more
than your body
that you are simply
a bird in a cage
a lovely, beautiful soul
trapped in a meaningless box
to show you that you are
your brilliant mind
and your way with words
and your heart
i wish i could show you
that you are
a glamorous pearl
in the wrong shell

when i met you
you were broken
and thrown away
like a toy that's been played with
and ditched

you were hurt
and decayed
and mocked
and pointed at
and put down

they made fun of you
and like stray dogs
****** on your happiness
they chewed on your bones
and made you feel like you
were nothing

and you were crying
because you used to
have a cute cactus in a
ceramic ***
and you used to hold it close to you
when they hurt you
but it was stolen
*

look at me, you beautiful creature
look at me, you vulnerable soul

i'll wrap you up in the blanket of
my sweet loving
i will fix the toy that was broken
and paint it in fresh colours
and never ever play with it
because you're art
and art should be inspiring (which you are)
and cherished (which i'll make sure you will be)

and i will put you on a pedestal
and show you how amazing you are
and make you forget
about all the ******* you've gone through

and i'll give you a new
cute little cactus in a ceramic ***
because who said
you're not allowed to get
a second one in a lifetime?

i've slowly crept to the edge of insanity
there is no going back
i'm staring into the abyss
of what i'll never be and never have

i think i'm wounded
i think i might be bleeding
i think i am as good as dead

i think i've lost the ability
to tell what's real and what's not
i don't think i can think
but sure as hell i'm lost

and wild rivers of blood
flow underneath
my transparent skin
i once almost drowned
the feeling's akin

i long for relief
i long for that sort
of peaceful redemption
i'm tired of grief
so where's my salvation?

razor-sharp edges
gleam through the dark
my skin is itching
as i fall apart

rivers are flowing
on old wooden boards
another soul broken
so where is your god?