and i guess i am selfish. because i really, really want you to be happy, always. i wanna see that smile that made me fall so hard for you. but i dont wanna see you happy if its with another person. i dont want you happy holding someone elses hand. i dont want you happy celebrating an anniversary with someone else. and i definitely, definitely dont want you to be happy, in love with someone else. because i want to be enough for you, i want you to feel your most excitement and wholeness and inner peace with me. i want you to be in love with me. i cant just be all poetic and beautifully tragic about it. i cant just think "i want you to be happy, even if thats not with me," because its not true. i want you to be happy, and i want to be the person that makes you happy. its as simple and frustrating as that.

Though my poetry might argue with me
I am quite calm, you see
I write my deepest fears and
Largest lies
All inside these little lines
Just to get them out of me
Release is supposed to be healthy
That is why I love poetry
Only a poet's soul can understand
All this written anxiety

You folks wonder why no one wants to walk through your wooden doors.
You act like we’re all supposed to swear the same clothes, sing the same songs.
What if our doctrine didn’t line up?
Would you judge me for not agreeing?

Recently I’ve become increasingly sensitive and hyper aware of my surroundings.
Your church reminded me of middle school,
And I couldn’t stand middle school. Everyone was clicky and exclusive.
Since when is church about who’s wearing the best outfit?
When did we Christians become so shallow?
It’s amazing how people can judge you when you’re not like them,
Carving out an image of perfection that never existed in the first place,
Because when it gets down to it we’re all broken.
You are not entitled to people coming to your church when the feelings are not welcoming.
Except one, she gave me a free ticket to the Beautiful Eulogy show.
Sadly to say, she was the only light at your church while everyone was dead,
or just full of themselves.

*There are good reasons why churches across America are dying off.
Christians can behave worse than non-Christians, at times even more cruel and uncharitable.

This year I want to start a new tradition. One that's my own. At the end of each year I'd like to write what I've learned. No, this isn't another "New Year, New Me," poem, simply a fresh perspective.

Oh 2016, where do I even begin? This past year brought immense pain, yet so much clarity after the heartache subsided. I learned that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Unfortunately, I lost that loved one before I could learn that lesson. Now that it's been taught, by the grace of God I am no longer lost.

2016 was the year I did it all on my own. Okay, who am I kidding I'm a millennial so my dad did help me along the road. 2016 was about choosing your battles while fighting the good fight. I also learned it's not always about you. In fact, it's safe to say it's never about you. We're merely just pieces in a big spiritual puzzle, and that truth will never be muzzled.

**Happy New Year & Cheers to 2017!