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Nikita Mar 2021
As cold as ice,
Their touch left me
Alone.

Comfortable with invisibility,
I mistook love
For a stranger in my home.

As warm as light,
His company left me
Scared.

Familiar with invisibility,
I mistook love
With something that I feared.

As bright as fire,
The gaze from his eyes left me
Reassured.

Comfortable with closeness,
I now know how true love
Should really feel.
When we are used to being treated neglectfully, we often search for partners that reflect this. We become so comfortable with loneliness that kindness is a foreign and terrifying thing. We can often become doubtful and insecure when someone cares for us the way no one else has. Rather than questioning and pushing this love away, we should embrace the kindness we all deserve.
Nikita Dec 2020
Stroke by stroke,
Oil glided onto the canvas.
With precision and ease,
She created her reflection.

Over time,
She grew impatient.
Gliding became stabbing.
Her reflection, distorted.

What was once graceful,
Was now forced.
Frustrated and torn,
She began to lose grip.

She turned her back on her creation.
As she walked away,
A faint cry floated towards her.
It whispered- don’t leave.

She was gone.

Stroke by stroke,
Oil glided onto the canvas.
With precision and ease,
She created another child.
My mother has five children to five different men. Each child is significantly different and is told different stories about themselves. My story was “You are smart but an ugly psychopath”.  This poem is my interpretation of her struggling with her identity as a mother and passing it onto her children who are symbolised as paintings.
Nikita Dec 2020
Everyday
You would shout
Scream
And belt.

With each word
You drove a sword through
My child mind

Thank you for the wounds
Thank you for the insults

Without your fierce
Sad and insecure stabs

I’d never be so determined
To be the exact opposite
Of who you think I am.
Nikita Nov 2020
Knotted in my throat,
My breathe lifts me up.

My toes curl inwards,
A laugh escapes my mouth.

There’s something about the air,
Something that moves me around.

Like a puppet on a string,
I sway carelessly to the sound.

Letting this feeling carry me,
Weight falls from my shoulders.

No pressure.
No judgement.
Just free.
Nikita Oct 2020
My wrists are limp.
Pearlescent and painful,
Imprints of rope have been
Tattooed into my skin.

I’m not one to let go.
Frantic and hopeless,
I’m a clinger.

To be seen and heard,
It’s what I deserve.

But I don’t notice.
I don’t believe I’m seen.
I don’t believe I’m heard.

So I hold on,
Hoping.
That all while I saw at the rope,
You will mend it back together.

But you’re tired,
I can see that.
I’ve seen it for a while.

I wanted to stop sawing.
I needed to let go.
I’m sorry.

Now,
You’ve cut the rope fully.
I can finally fall,
Free.
Nikita Oct 2020
Pull me
Push me
Force me
And trap me

Build me
Create me
Destroy me
Lie to me

Wrap me
Seal me
Deliver me
And ship me

No matter how much
You try

No matter how much
It hurts

I will escape
Categories, labels and boxes. Don’t stifle who I am. I am not a women to be silenced.
Nikita Sep 2020
When I grew up. I thought that to be respected, I needed to be strong. As hard as nails.

I believed that aggression was my friend, a friend that protected me from men.

Aggression was never a friend, just a women desperate for control. Over time she became a cancer, eating away at my sanity.

She brought chaos and raged storms when she was unsure of what to do.

When she is calm, she draws me detailed pictures of suicide and sings me sweet songs of deceit.

If only setting her free was something I was strong enough to do.
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