Only one word
Which everyone knows
Drives my heart to despair
Only one word
With two syllables
Brings back memories - qualities unfair
Only one word
My only weakness
Kisses my sanity goodbye
Only one word
Which everyone despises
Has almost ruined my life.
Only one words
Which tears me inside
Has killed my joy
Over
     And
         Over
              Again

*Look at what a small word can do.
Look at how much it ruins a person's life.

A feather
gently pats the broken roof tops
in hopes of
Clinging to the suburban warmth
of illuminated glass.
I can see that this feather
(For a single second)
subtends by the chipped door
But even time is not strong enough,
For slowly that feather
falls prey to the enchantment of
A breeze.

I'm all alone**
No one is here to stop me pulling the trigger
When I decide that life isn't worth it
When I feel that I should just end
Dying all alone
No one is here to catch me
When I fall into the pits of hell
Crying my eyes out
As the fire burns my arms and legs
No one is here to save me
When I drown in my own sadness
When my tears change into anchors
Dragging me to the deepest parts of the ocean
No one is here to rip my mask off
The one which has a dripping red smile on
Which everyone gladly believed
Despite red paint falling at their feet
No one is here to tell me I'm worth it
To call me a jewel
Precious
Unique

That's just it
No one is here for me
I'm all alone

I grew
I fell
I hoped
I loved
I was accepted
And cast out
I was belittled
And cherished
I was all those things at one point
Now I'm not

I joined this world full of love and innocence
People kept on destroying me
Yet I opened my heart further and embraced
The constant stabs the world creates
I did nothing at first
But wait
And I carried a battered piece of cloth
To clean up the decaying drops of blood
My body made

Alone

Afraid

That was my life
That is my life

People told me to open the curtains to my darkness
They were wrong
My curtains were already opened
Now they are gone
My window to dreams never closed
But it's barred tight now
The door to my heart had a welcome mat outside it
people kept dusting their feet on my mat
So I burnt my door
And sealed my heart
Killed my dreams
**And fell apart.

Along my Ivory skin, the drops of cerise spreads - delicate tendrils forming beyond each space,
Words of hate marr my sheet as I press the object drawing blood.
With each laceration forming on pearl, a small tear escapes my eyes. The pain is too much yet I have to bear it to show that I'm alive. And I form the scarlett words on my pale canvas as I cry. My frame spreads with stone, a newly formed statue, as I watch the Crimson ink spreading. As it grows larger, black spots form and visions become blurred. The reality and memories merge as one and I form more words with my pen.
horrible
worthless
liar
ugly
And as I hear each voice screaming in my head, my hands rush as cuts become deeper. A whole sonnet of hate drowns my heart and fresh salt tears are created. Lines tear at sheets, jagged curls are formed. And with an anchor at each eye I look down on what I have made.  And my tool of blood, my ebony pen silently replaces the steel knife I had.
And a small smile is shone as I raise my new creation.
A paper full of cuts.

Why do I cry for those who suffer pain
And never cry for myself?
*Because I know that others have a chance of being fixed
Wheras for me there is no hope.

Shadows
They're all I see
Waiting
for the tendrils of ash
Following
me
Dreading
the encasing bleakness they enhance
Ruining
My dreams
Running
Is all I can do
Away
Far
   Far
       Away
Not because shadows are hollow
                                                      Dark
                                                                   Empty
But because this shadow
Is
Formed
By
**Me

Sometimes...
The only thought which fills my head is
'I could've been happy'
And other times...
The only thought which fills my head is
*'This is why I'm not happy'

Whenever the shadows grow large and haunt you
Face the sun
And the darkness will fall behind you.

I love autumn.
Why?
*Because it shows that dying can be beautiful.

When I'm down, when I feel worthless
When I feel like I'm only the beginner
I try to remember
That the greatest started from dust.
The winner was once the beginner
And that the glass came from the sand.

You came like a car crash
I didn't see you coming
My mind couldn't believe this was happening
I was flying for a second
Then I was wallowing in pain on the ground
And the car which hit me was already gone

Whoever said crying infront of people is some sort of a weakness is utterly wrong.
Because when someone cries they are being brave. For they are laying out their vulnerability , *their weakness, by the feet of everyone. They are taking the *chance of getting hurt at their softest and probably most influenced moment.
When someone cries it means that they can't defend themselves easily. And they aren't wearing a mask to hide themselves behind a smiling exterior. It is so rare when someone bares their soul out for everyone to see - even for a minute.
The fact that they aren't pulling their guard up is hard to do. The fact that they are letting you know that they are not okay is not an easy thing.
And then people start laughing at them
They laugh at someone who is crying.
Saying that those tears are 'fake'.
Saying that it's only for 'attention.'
You know what that does for the people who just cried?
Those people shut. Close themselves. Build a wall around their heart. And make sure that their barriers are tighter.
How sad is that though...
**That one of the most strongest things man can do,
has been reprimanded silently by those
who don't know how to deal with it

Pulsing obsidian liquid pushes through cerise veins
Excruciatingly painful, yet never ending
Dark coils wrap around your stomach
Clenching in merciless vexation for unknown reasons
Ruthless needles sew an inferno in your heart
Blazing fire consisting of flames which jump
And ice. Pure cold solid ice
Is glided over you
So that your whole frame crumbles with shivers.
And all your mind can do
Is beg. Beg for this moment to be over with a single tear.

Have you ever felt...
That feeling?
Where you're so empty you can actually fall inside the void which consumes you,
When you're so broken that whenever someone touches you they pull back hissing,
When you are so lonely you call out to the birds which paint the sky-in hope that they will sit on you shoulder,
Have you ever felt it? That feeling?
That horrible slimy whisper wordlessly chanting "You are useless"
Well I have.
And it is crap.
But one day you'll wake up and a small drop will fall Into that void
Day by day
Night by night
Hour by hour
Second by second
And it may not seem like much
                         But it amounts to a lot in the end
Until that feeling you feel
                                       Is nothing more
Than subtle laughter

               **Coming from you.

There is always the sun after the storm
The bandage after the cut
The warmth after the cold
The smile after the tear
The music after the silence
The dawn after the darkness
And  the good after the bad.
There is always something after another
It's just the cycle of life.

Even the most darkest of voids
Can dream about the most purest of lights.

Hush child
Don't feel guilty
It's not your fault that you can't ever fix me
You'll only cut yourself trying to pick up the broken pieces of my soul
Hush child
Don't feel guilty
It's not your fault that you can't fill the void inside my heart
You'll only fall in and drown in the emptiness of my heart
Hush child
Don't feel guilty
It's not your fault you can't relight my fire
You'll only make yourself cold, as the cruelty of my breath whispers in your ear
Hush child
Don't feel guilty
It's not your fault that you can't wipe my tears away
You'll only sink into the pits of the darkest ocean carrying the anchors which are my tears
Hush child
Don't feel guilty
It's not your fault you can't bear to listen to my memories
The lightest shadows are enough to send your mind swirling into the desperations of madness.
Hush child*
Don't feel guilty
It's not your fault I'm made like this.
It's not your fault at all

Isn't it sad?
When we want to accomplish an adventure
We need three things
Money
Strength
Time
When we are children we have the strength and the time...but not the money
When we are middle aged we have the strength and the money...but not the time
When we are elderly we have the time and the money...but not the strength
Somewhere along this road we have to rule out either money, strength or time. We can't have it all.
So I vote to rule out money.
Unfortunately no one else agrees.

Who is your favourite Disney princess?*
When someone asked me this I actually considered it
And I chose
Elsa
Because she reminds me so much of myself.
I've always had to hide what I can do
Because it would be considered abnormal
I've had to grow up so quickly
Because I have to be responsible
I seem collected
Yet my anger can get the in the way so quickly
People want to associate with my status
Because I come from power
I make  huge mistakes
That repeatedly hurt my sister
And I've been shunned for who I am
Because people fear what I can do
And what I can find.
The only thing which doesn't link me in some way with elsa
Is that I still haven't been accepted.

One day I will raise
One day I will clear the shadowed fog which haunts my dreams
I will evaporate the cloud which sits on my frail arms
One day I will rip the paper which chooses who I am
I will slice through the deceiving Ivory sheet, I'll make sure it disintegrates into the ash it came from
One day I will break the steel chains which strangle my hope. I will bite through the objectionable links which encase me as their profound prisoner.
One day I will be strong. I will be able to drag the burdens and memories to its final destination. I will not cower when I see the odius foul luggage stand tall and scream. I will not amalgamate  with delirium as I hear Past's cries. I will persevere.
One day I will fix myself. I will be able to stich the lacerations time has caused, I will be able to build the disintegrating building my mind has become. I will be able to paint my soul its luminous halo again.
And maybe one day I will raise. I will raise from the fog, the paper, the chains, the past and the pain. I will raise with purity and maybe...maybe if I'm lucky...I will be graced with the simple gift of a smile.
*For now I can hope...
About what I will do...
One day

I am scared of the silence
Because I have encountered it
too many times before.
all the cries for help I have shouted
Have been heard by silent ears.
all the tears I have shed
Have came with a response of silence
if ever in need of help
The only thing I have ever gotten
is silence.
And the lucky day when someone asked me if I'm okay
My whole answer was spoken by silence.


**All my life
I have been silenced
By silence.
And all my life
I have only spoken
To silence.

I am so used to being forgotten
I am so used to being abused
So when someone treats me like a bird
And when someone remembers the smallest detail about who I am
I feel as if my world Is shattering
*At least I'm used to that

Melancholy's bitter touch took her breath away
and injected her windy harmony inside Depression's corpse,
Her rose bud lips paled into Autumn's dying flower,
a morose dissipation of colouring of which once lived in her lips.
Scarlet cheeks evaporated into Ivory chalk.
as its powder sprayed on her frail countenance,
Her eyes though
which once painted the delusion of happiness gave up too soon
and succumbed to Despondency's cruel embrace
excluding the small threads of faint, grey light
which may have been the possibility
of a better life.

Tell me I'm right...
   No! Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me I don't deserve this
      I want you to tell me I do
Tell me I should not listen to what they say
      Honey,lie. Tell me that I should listen to them when they say I should die
No!please tell me I'm worth the fight
Tell me I'm not
Tell me that it doesn't matter what they think
    Oh but it does...say that
I will survive won't I?
     Quickly say that I won't
I am loveable aren't I?
      Tell me that I'm not
But it doesn't matter. I will survive.
      Tell me that I'll die
I will survive
       Say I won't
I will
       I won't
I will survive
       Losers don't survive
But this one does
         You pathetic *****! Isn't that what they tell me?
Tell me that this voice inside my head isn't me.
         Oh but it is. I'm the one which isn't deluded though
I will survive
I won't
I will
You won't
Goodbye
   You can't cut yourself off. I'm you!!
Tell me that this voice isn't me. And that I'm screaming at a person.
     You're screaming at yourself.
Goodbye
*No

My heart will never stop beating
With glass shards rattling inside
My eyes will never stop shining
With unshed tears trying to hide
My smile will never falter
I've painted it on with permanent ink
And my posture will stay straight
Because at this point dignity is all I have.