I can't stop shaking and I don't think it's the cold
I feel you resting on my skin and it's the same skin you used to trace and I keep burning my body in the shower thinking it will rid the residue of you
we said all of the right words at the wrong time
and I'll walk through a crowded room with a glass in my hand
and I'll try not to notice your voice in the noise of everyone else but I swear it's still the only sound I hear
I'll convince myself I used you the same way you used me and I'll swallow it down with a sip of *****
then swear this is the last night I'm drinking to forget you
I'm training my tongue to stop telling stories of us everytime someone says your name
and when 3 a.m. comes around and I'm tempted to text you my epiphanies on why we went wrong
hoping one might resonate with you and we can try again
I'll remember all the time I spent rearranging the pieces of me that got tangled with yours and hope I never have to love that much again

and if you choose to walk away, if you choose not to hold her
know that she will nurture herself back to light
she will move to a different city and make something of herself
and you'll spend tuesday mornings and sunday afternoons wondering if you let go of the love of your life
and you'll be walking a street corner in late September when you see her
warm air blowing through her thin hair and you have to give a second look
happiness looks wonderful on her
you'll small talk about the weather and pretend not to notice the ring on her fourth finger
she'll smile warmly and say she's glad to hear you're doing well
and the most well intentioned words feel like a gut punch
because all you want to do is tell her how your arms have been empty for the last 7 years
and you traded the person you love for the safety of being alone

I am sure that I am over you
and in the most loving way possible-
you should know there are nights where I cry in gratefulness to the universe for separating us
you should know that your words are no longer honey on my tongue
I am not the girl I used to be
I'm not held down by the weight of another human and I no longer write poetry to decorate your poison
before you, I never knew how to run away without looking over my shoulder
but the moment we said goodbye it was like every memory faded with you
and I know you waste minutes and hours looking for the smell of my perfume in between your lonely sheets
but you won't ever find me there again

I look at my mother, beautiful and alive
I look at her with wrinkles too evident for a woman of her age
telling the stories of all her misery
and I know- she only ever wanted to love and be loved
she only ever wanted to get it right
I see my grandmother, frail and full of wisdom
but tragically alone
no one to grow old with but herself and all of the stories of the men that walked away
I look around at the seventh house I've lived in
but I feel a feeling all too familiar because the same stories repeat in each one
marriages ripped to shreds and I wonder what consistency feels like
and I pray through tear-choked words that I will find a way to break this generational curse
but the truth is I'm terrified
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever lived to watch it fall apart
and I don't blame my mother for the life I've lived because I know she tried her best to make it work
to give us a stable home even if it meant sacrificing her own well-being
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever seen it end in sadness
and I don't know a man who's ever stayed

sometimes I wonder what it would have felt like to call you mine
to get lost in a sea of blankets
and hear your voice on my walk to class
I'm still holding your secrets like porcelain resting in my bones
there are nights where my mind is lost in the confessions we never made
and I find myself missing someone I never even had
isn't it pretty to think of what we could've been?
you'll always be my favorite almost

It's sort of funny in the saddest way.
To find pieces of myself in a man that was never really a part of my life at all.
I wish I knew you well enough to have memories other than playing trivia at a table by the bar watching you stay well past last call.
Fighting with your wife over who would drive home.
Spending every other weekend you had with me staring at the bottom of empty bottles.
And slurring "I love you's" like I might believe them.
Isn't it all I ever wanted?
To be loved by you?
And does anything ever really change?
Can people really change?
You were sober for 5 years after you almost lost your life.
But now I keep waking up to drunk text messages.
Parallel to your drunken confessions in the middle of the night while six year old me tried to comfort you.
Biting my tongue and staring at the cieling fan so I wouldn't cry.
I don't have to hide the tears anymore because you're in another city and I won't ever tell you how bad you hurt me.
But Dad I keep letting men hurt me who tell me they love me at 2 am and I wish I didn't feel like it's because of you.

and if there comes a day where the whole world seems to crumble
if meteorites begin to shake the earth as we know it
and the galaxies beyond us start to swallow our home
if the stars that died one million years ago disappear with the rest of us
tell me you'll still trace poetry on the crevices of my skin even if it's covered in dirt
tell me we'll build a shelter from this planet while it falls apart
nothing can shake this love
asteroids can't destroy us
black holes will never swallow us whole
and know that if the ground we walk ever collapses beneath us
I will find you in another universe- one far away from here
and I'll love you just the same