III

I got a dog, Charlie
just in case you were wondering
I named her after you

I read a book
you always wanted me to do that
It was your favorite
I didn't understand a word
but for you, Charlie
I breathed every single sentence

I learned how to cook
every time I do
I cook a meal for two
you would've yelled at me
told me I was wasting food

I would've kissed you
to shut you up

it wasn't planned but
I finished college

you never stopped talking about it
it was going to be amazing
you said

but you never got the chance to find out
so I did it for you

it would've been better
if I did it with you

i met this girl
she's so much like you
but so different
but no

I killed you
so why should I forget about you?
why should I replace you?
she'll never replace you

I forgave them
those people who hurt you
I did it for you
but it would have been better
if I did it with you

I never forgave myself though

I sometimes find myself
wondering if I could be with you up there
but you always said that life was amazing
and you never got a chance to find out

so I'll do it for you

I love you
I miss you

Charlie,

something so beautiful shouldn't be in a box
something so beautiful shouldn't be beneath the ground
someone so beautiful shouldn't be surrounded by the people who let them die

they killed you

I killed you

I didn't even know, Charlie
why didn't you tell me?

I could've saved you
could I?

your parents are here
they're together because of you, Charlie

they're crying
I'm crying

we spilled tears
you spilled blood

I did that to you

I reduced you to a memory
a news article
another name in the obituary
a rumor

you wouldn't have wanted that, Charlie
you didn't deserve that

I'm sorry

I miss you already

your skin against mine
your lips moving against mine
your heart beating with mine

I took all of that away from us

we were reduced to
feet to dirt
fist to dirt
tears to dirt

I did this to us
I did this to you

i'm

so

sorry


( part two )

I


I found you, Charlie
you were in your bathtub

your eyes that once held the stars were empty
they were lifelessly staring at the ceiling

the red that once coated your lips seeped into the water that engulfed you

my body met the floor
my fingers met your skin

your wrists

you’re bleeding, Charlie

I was shaking
I was shaking you

you were dripping
when I carried you

red

red

red

so much red

you’re cold
I cant feel you

your heart was still
you weren’t breathing

I was breathing for you, Charlie
so hard
hoping you would do the same

I brought you out of the house

Charlie, look at the stars

you loved stars
can you see them?

I had to put you in the car

I gripped the wheel so hard
my knuckles were as pale as your skin

you’re going to be okay

we’re almost there, Charlie

I played that mixtape of yours

I waited for your voice
I waited for you to tell me to turn the volume up
just like you always did

I waited
and waited

silence

( part one )

The stars would be jealous of you, Charlie
You shone brighter than all of them combined
To me, your kisses tasted of honey
You stole my heart, Charlie, you robbed me blind

Each time you smiled, I fell deeper for you
I drowned in those deep pools you called your eyes
You were consuming me without a clue
I let you, Charlie, but I don't know why

Amidst the hurricane of loving you
I told myself that you would soon be gone
Your heart will find itself with someone new
I'm going to lose you, my only one

The stars were so jealous of you, Charlie
So much that they took you away from me