i've been so lost
since we agreed
to go our separate ways.

it's only been two weeks
but I've lost count
of the number of classes
I've missed.

I've lost count
of the hours
I've spent laying in bed
trying to think of anything
but you.

i tried to go out
and make new friends,
but i only ended up rambling
about how much
i missed you.

I've lost count
of the number of times
in a single day
that my heart has broken
over you.

you said i seemed happy,
but i don't even know
what "happy" is.

i thought "happy"
was what i had with you.
and that's so far
from what i feel now.

how can i be happy
when all I've felt
for the last two weeks is
lost.

im lost without you
and i wish it wasn't true.
because this lost feeling
is how i know
that i always did
and i always will
love you.

I'm used to overlapping love,
One on top of another
So that any space between us
Is filled by my overreaching desire.

But you've carved a canyon,
Filled in by an ocean
And put yourself on the far ridge
So that only my cries can reach you.

The parting ground sculpts a chasm in me
And I watch as stones fall away
From my feet breaching the edge.
But I retreat from the brink
And put myself to studying.

I search my resolve
For new ways to love you
And find that my voice carries.
With lighter words that will not sink
I can sail my love to you.

But my love has landed
On barren shores.
In vain I constructed a fleet
And voyaged through storms
Of my own desperation.

All to find that you have gone.
So I will turn my sails home
And make something better
Of this new way of loving.

This softer, more hopeful love
Will find someone new.
It will find someone who loves me
Like I need to be loved,
Someone who is nothing like you.

And they will reap what you sowed.
They will bask in the light
Of the flame you ignited.
They will savor the sweetness
Of the fruit you left to rot.

While the pain still resounds
And the longing persists,
I cannot detest you
In the way that I wish.

For you, I became a scholar of love
And a student of myself.
And though you have no interest
In my newfound literacy,
I thank you for forcing me to read.

I have the whole universe
Inside of me.
And dear god,
I'm lost in space.

I'm drowning in this
Lack of gravity.
And my lungs are collapsing
From all the pressure the cosmos create.

I keep getting caught
In the tangled webs of galaxies
I do not wish to be.
I keep getting too close
To stars that burn too bright.

I see planets in the distance.
They have beautiful rings
And multitudes of moons.
They draw my gaze but that is all.

I don't know how to navigate
In this infinite abyss.
I don't know how to propel myself
In the directions of these alluring planets.

If only it were as easy as wishing
On a shooting star.
Because I pass them
And they pass me daily.

If only I had slept
With the windows closed.

I know it's dark
And I'm scared and alone
I pray and I hope I'm not on my own
Im falling down to my own little hell
Will you please fall with me?
You say I'm an angel tattered and scorned
And at times I wish I was never born
Could you fall with me?
Be by my side every day and night?
I know you can't promise peace
But with you I'll be alright
I'll burn with you
Let
The
Flames
Consume us
May death unburden us
Ease me of my pain
I'm killing the past
These things won't last
I can't change yesterday's pain
But you bring hope of brighter days
I'm falling with you

Your face calls to me
Out of the dancing candle light.
Your eyes beg me for love
That I don’t think I’m capable of.
And yet, here I am falling anyway.

We lay together
And I’m sorry that I can’t stop staring.
I laugh and look away when you ask me why
Because I can’t bring myself to admit
That the way you look tonight
Has me writing poetry in my head.

You fill me with a scared sadness
Because I know this feeling will die.
But at the same time
You charm sweet, desperate gibberish
Out of my sleepy mind.

And so I watch your lips
As loving nonsense spins through my head.
I wonder what will happen to us
How we will fall apart.
Because darling, you’re stunning
And every beautiful thing does.

Your sweetness is killing me.
I’m rotting from the inside,
Things are coming loose inside me.

Your beauty is terrifying.
Your enticing allure
Makes me shutter with premature grief.

Premeditated withdrawal
Peaks over the horizon that I am trying to escape.
I want the darkness of lustful ignorance
To surround me for as long as possible.

I want to live in these small moments with you.
Wrapped in each other’s touch,
Under the haze of youth,
We live in these moments,
Unattached to the world,
Absent of sobering context.

Then, we are apart
And the cold bite of my detachment shocks me.
That obscure reflection I see
Taunts me.
I cannot have you.

So I contemplate our undoing,
My famed disappearing act.
But mirages of your face
Keep me bound to you,
To those moments
That I wish would encompass my life.

Cigarettes to make me forget I’m hungry.
I just want to buy myself dinner,
But I don’t have the money.

For twenty dollars a week
My stomach stays full
Of nicotine and Red Bull.

Now I’m running out of time
To buy presents for the family
And im worried that I might have to ask
A too-sweet man to spot me.

If I was smarter
If these meds would work
I wouldn’t have to grovel
Or take a third job.

But I spent six months
Running away from home
Sitting at bars
Getting drunk to forget the pain.

Do I sell my guitar
Do I take more pictures
Do I deliver food again?

How do I dig myself out of a hole
I’ve been so comfortable in?
Maybe I’ll lose some weight
Maybe I’ll keep going on dates
Just to stay fed.

I don't know what to say
because after all is well,
my mind goes blank
at the end of every day.

Once I step into my room
and close my door for the night,
the feeling I thought was left behind
rises again with the moon.

Each day brings new color
or at least each day tries
but the sun goes down
and the colors turn white.

Its white in my mind.
all the empty space gives opportunity
for the dark parts of me
to show what colors they bring.

its all red

Blue light slinks in under the blinds
And veils your face.
The shadow of your eyes,
Your jaw
Is bold against your glowing skin.
I try to float up to your lips
But I am clumsy and heavy.
And you are soft and strong,
Sweet and inviting.

My breathing is shallow
And my pulse deep,
Radiating in my chest,
Fluttering in stomach.
I could cry,
But I won’t.
I’m so easily overwhelmed by poetry,
I’m easily overwhelmed by melody,
By art.
You are their sum
And I am saturated by you.

The feeling is cold,
But my cheeks are warm.
Don’t scream,
I tell myself.
Don’t break down here.
Don’t let burdensome words
Escape your historically tight lips
That have now found themselves foolish.
Foolish girl.
I am weaker than I thought,
I am weaker than I need to be
To keep up this game.

But you make me gush.
My skin is flush.
I’m blushing pink,
Inventing scenes of your body against mine.
I’m dripping over you.
My legs wither and I fall into contra pasto
Memorializing the taste of you.

My writing is unwieldy
And you deserve better.
Your smile deserves grace
And organized meter.
Your hands deserve alliteration and metaphor.
Your arms deserve allusion.
Your eyes a rhyme scheme,
Your hair personification.

Why can't I write anymore?
I finally have something to say.
For the first time in months
I have something inside me
Begging to get out.
I have a weight
That compels me to speak
That needs to be communicated.

But my writing is all ****.
It's all the same now.
I can't think of
Anything new to say
Even though I feel the need
To put a pen to paper
And let the thing
That's been giving me headaches
Every night
Have its turn to speak.

What is it you want to say?
Demon?
Monster? Ghost?
Whatever you are,
You're taking up too much space.
So say what you need to
And leave me again.

Are you trying to tell me
That you're lonely?
That you're tired?
That you're bored?

What the ****
Do you want me to do?
I'm just as powerless as you.

You are my wind
You are my sun
The blood in my veins
The bones to make me stand

I've been drowning
And i thought you were my life raft
I thought you were my island
My safe place to escape

But turning away from the water
Won't make it go away
Running from the sea
Won't make it less deep

I've grown so used to finding my boat
So used to hiding from the tide
I panicked when it wasn't there
Has my boat sailed away?
The panic gave me a cramp
Tied weights to me
And I began to sink faster

How could my boat do this?
How could it sail away?
But the more I missed my boat
The more I needed it to stay

But not as safety
Not as refuge
But a love to share
And laugh and grow

I still need my boat
But not like I did before
No more hiding
No more dry land
I need to swim

Because boats are fun
And great for days
But the sea is a beast
That no boat can match

No she doesn't care that I'm a mermaid
Who fell in love with a fisherman
She doesn't care I've spent too much time on dry land
I forgot how to use my fins

A mermaid that can't swim
What a pathetic life it is
But she's cruel
She wont keep the boats around

So don't forget how to swim
Don't forget how to use your fins
We are strong us mermaids
Making deals with sea witches
Seducing men to their death
All fine folk tales
But you have to believe the myth
Always been strong

Because regardless of what Disney said
I can't grow legs
I'll always be a mermaid
But what use is it if I can't swim

When I learn how to swim again
I hope my fisherman will come back
I hope he hasn't sailed too far away

When I'm on deck of our boat again
We will dance and sing
Maybe have dogs
And flowers to remind us of land
A piano in the dining room
And guitars lining the walls
Music will echo
They can hear us from land
The happy fisher and his happy mermaid
Living together again

But storms always come
Because that's how nature works
It rains
It snows
It storms
Than the sun returns

This time when the storm comes
And makes waves that could touch the moon
And I get thrown overboard
I won't forget how to swim

I'll play with the fish
Make friends with sharks
And await the return of my beautiful fisherman

But you will always be my wind
My sun
The air in my lungs

But soon I will have gills
So I can breath when the water comes
You can't be my fins anymore
You can't be my dry land
You can't save me from drowning
Because mermaids are free
But if you want
You can be free with me

So please return my beautiful sailor
And we can live on our happy boat
And I'll be one with the sea
Because this sea is a part of me

you can't make a flower grow
by telling it you love it,
by telling it it's beautiful.

a flower will continue to wither away,
even if you keep saying "I'm here for you."
when winter comes and the flower begins to die,
telling the flower "it gets better" won't warm the temperature.

don't try to nurture a flower you picked.
it will never be safer in your hands,
than it was in the grass.
flowers will dry when you rip them from the roots.

don't look at a brown flower,
and ask it "whats wrong".
it wouldn't tell you
even if it could talk.

don't lie to the flower
and say "its going to be okay"
because you put it in a vase.
the flower knows its not the same.

don't bother saying "you're not alone"
because flowers die all the time,
it already knows.
the flower is still on its own.

you can't glue the petals back on,
after you've plucked them all for a game.
she probably doesn't love you,
and the flower is not to blame.

you can't straighten out the stem,
after you've stepped on it in passing.
it will always be bent
even if you repent.

"i didn't mean to" means nothing to a flower
after you leave it in the dark.
it doesn't matter what you've said,
the flower is already dead.

a withered and dry flower,
will not stand up and turn green
just because you love it.

these things are simple facts,
its how nature works,
and nature will never love you back.

i know you're really trying,
and doing everything you can.
but without water and sun,
the flower will keep dying.

Pill number nine.
My head is pounding
And the room is spinning so fast,
I'm not sure which way is up.
My stomach is churning,
I can barely keep it's contents from
Making an appearance.
Nine, you better be worth this.

Pill number ten.
I can't take you.
I know the doctor said tonight,
But nine has me so sick
The thought of swallowing another pill
Just makes me gag.
You'll get your chance tomorrow.

NOT SO 500 WORD STORY
​My next victim was a little more challenging than all the rest. When he asked me to go get coffee with him I was surprised, I didn’t think I would ever get the opportunity to claim one like this. His eyes were blue, they taunted me and made my mind dance over the idea that they could be mine. He wore a backwards hat and had the kind of speech that reminded me of my brother. He was confident, sort of cocky, just the type that I needed. I hate those types, the guys that think their better just because they have flowing blonde hair and big arms. I really can’t stand them. We decided to meet at the Starbucks down the street from my house, convenient. We would meet on Friday at 6:30 pm.
​Thursday night, lying in bed, all I could think about was the ****** up **** I was going to do. I thought about the blood; blood has always been the reason I did this. Not like men, they always want ****** gratification, or to eat them or something, ******* Dahmer. That’s why girls never get caught. We’re not in it for the trophy, we don’t keep souvenirs, we just want to ****. I mean I love the blood, I but I don’t keep it or anything, I’m not that stupid. I think how the flow and color can change, like if you cut an artery, steady fast flow and bright red. But if you cut a vein the flow isn’t as fast, and the color has a slight blue tint, due to the oxygen in it. When I first started doing this, I wasn’t very good at covering my tracks. People sometimes questioned why my bathroom smelled like bleach, all the time. But I got better at the cleanup.
​Friday came and I don’t know why but I was a little hesitant. Why was I having second thoughts about this? Most of the time I can’t wait to get the show on the road. But now I really didn’t even want to show up at the Starbucks. I wanted to let him go, but that little monster that lives in my lungs told me to keep going; so I did. I got to Starbucks and sat down, I didn’t see him anywhere so I waited. He showed up and ran over to the table and sat across from me, he seemed genuinely sorry for being late. We talked and for some reason I couldn’t stop staring. At his eyes and lips, and his hands; he had nice hands. I wanted to hold them, I never wanted to hold anyone’s hand before. The more he talked, the more nervous I became. What am I doing? I can’t do this? Why did I even start doing this? But it was too late, the monsters were screaming too loud for me to ignore.
​He was in the middle of a sentence when I interrupted and asked if he wanted to come back to my apartment. You should have seen his eyes light up. They all got so excited when I asked. We left and walked back, on the way there he did something, he held my hand. Why the hell would he do that? Did he like me? That would be pretty ******* stupid on his part if he did. And it was pretty ******* stupid for me to like him back, but I guess I’m an idiot. I took him upstairs and I wanted to cry. This has never happened before, I’ve never been afraid of myself. He sat down on the couch and I nervously excused myself to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, the tears came, they came like I was cutting an artery. I couldn’t stand the sight of myself, I wanted to destroy this monster. And in a storm of rage I ****** my fist into the mirror. The glass shattered like a deafening thunder and my blood dripped into the sink. I fell to the floor screaming and he came running in. ****, I forgot to lock the door. Now I’m sitting there crying and screaming with this beautiful stranger trying to save me. It was a mess, I was a mess. His hands around me, he kept trying to help me up, but I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore, no more death and destruction, I need peace. So I told him to go, I begged for him to leave but he wouldn’t. “Please don’t do this”, I thought, “please don’t try to save me”. But he wouldn’t go. And then the monsters screamed, so ******* loud. Looking up I could see his mouth moving but there were no words coming out, only the demonic shrieks from inside me. And in one involuntary move, I picked up a piece of mirror glass and cut his throat.
​Watching the blood wasn’t like before, it didn’t bring a smile to my face and it didn’t stop the screaming. There was no calmness in watching the life in him die, there was nothing. I did what I was supposed to, what I always had done. But still nothing. I felt nothing but at the same time I felt the pain. All the pain of everyone I had ever hurt filled me and I knew what I had to do. I took my phone out of my pocket and called the police, I told them what I did. So I sat there on the floor next to the lifeless, beautiful, stranger, and waited for them to come. I looked at him and new it was over. All the hurting was over.

You held me all night before you left
While I cried and cried
And my lungs backfired.

Because I could see the future
And I saw this coming.
But you promised and promised,
That you’d make it all right.

Now look at what you’ve done.
I’m starting to think
That maybe
This is what you wanted all along.

At home, I lie and weep.
While you take her to the gardens,
To the pub,
To the museum.

I wonder now where to put this love.
I still so eagerly wish to give it to you
And so eagerly want to forgive you
For all the things you’re not sorry for.

It continues to flow from me,
Floating away,
In search of your lips.
But you run and hide
And put yourself behind glass
So that my love cannot touch you.

Do you fear that it is too warm
For your frigid body?
Or that it will thaw you
From the frost
That has kept all you feel
Stuck inside that glass?

Ice as your armor,
You turn away
From my burning adoration
And wander into a tundra
Where your eyes stay fixed
On the ever-running horizon.

Keep it moving,
You say.
Do not dwell,
Do not think,
Do not feel.

But I suppose it is easy for you
To stay cold,
To stay away from the fire,
Away from my bright love.

But I will stay alight
Waiting for you to realize
That all I ever wanted
Was to love you to your core.

I believed that’s what you wanted
Because you said you had changed,
But what you wanted
Was more of the same.

More cold nights
Frozen to strangers
That cannot love you
Like I am dying to.

Maybe when my weak heart
Finally fails
Maybe when death
Takes me into the dark
I'll find you on the other side

They told me heaven
Is the ideal setting for your happiness.
And I have a feeling
My setting will have you
My love

In this world
We may never meet again
But I wait for the day
Death takes me to you

Our souls will break
From our earthly limitations
And finally my half
Will melt with yours
And balance will be restored

In another life
I'll have you
I just pray you'll have me too

I crashed my car
Thinking about you.

Standing in the debris,
I thought about stepping into the street.

Because I can’t call you
And ask for a ride.  
You won’t come get me
And save me from the headlights.

Last night I counted pills
Hoping there would be enough.
But tonight, I braked when I saw lights
Racing faster than a second blink.

In the glowing red
I saw your smile,
Your warm brown eyes.

As my head smacked the seat,
I felt your hands in my hair,
Putting me to sleep.

I heard your laugh
In the crunching metal
And tasted your lips in the exhaust I inhaled.

So this is how you love me,
As careless and distracted as I drive.
You were always
An accident waiting to happen.

I don’t expect to be understood
But I don’t feel like I ever woke up this morning.
I’m stuck in a nightmare
With your hands on my wrists.

And I’m reminded that if bruises could scar
My body would be a technicolor collage of red and blue and purple and yellow.

It makes me sick
How I have to get close to keep my distance.
I have to follow you to make sure our paths don’t intersect.
I need to know what you’re doing and where
Just to keep you there and not here.

I'm too tired to look up
From my hands.
On them I see pictures
Like movies
Playing scenes I know i've seen.

My hands remind me of things
That once entranced me
But now seem like distant memories.
Memories that don't even
Belong to me.

Now the silent films
I watch on my palms
Hold me hypnotized.
Almost like the things
I watch on my hands
Which enamored me before.

But now my eyes
Have grown exceptionally heavy.
I can't divert my gaze
To any other projection
Or distraction.

My eyes are locked.
Stuck watching me
Mishandle myself without consideration
For the life that burned in me.

All i can do
is wait for my
eyes to close.
hopefully soon

i know what my problem is,
what my problem has always been.
i hate myself
in every way possible.

i hate the way i look
but thats just the surface.
i hate the way i think
and feel the most.

my mind twists everything
into an unrecognizable image
and tells me that this is the way
things are and have to be.

and i feel with such despair
that my heart renders
my mind useless
in the face of fear.

i can't talk myself
out of a panic
because my heart is so loud
that reason is lost in the sound.

so i hide my heart
and my mind
and i do what i can
about the way i look.

but it's not as easy
when my heart
and mind demand to be heard
when my composure
wears off at night.

then i turn into
the pathetic disaster
i've always been.
the mess of a person
that i've kept hidden.

and believe me,
i want to change.
because i know
that asking someone to love me
the way i am
is far too great a task.

who could look at a person
that screams curses
at the mirror with such relentless
sadness and hate
and decide to love them?
well i was hoping you could.

i don't know if that's
too much to ask,
for someone so beautiful
to love such a mess.

am i way
out of line
to wish that you
would hold me and tell me
that everything is fine?

should i leave such desires
for daydreams and poetry?
because my stupid heart
wants me to beg you
to stay and love me.

Light of my life,
The slings and arrows
Of outrageous fortune
Bloom a rose
In the deeps of my heart.

And so I came forth
But could not behold the stars.
The slings and arrows,
They trespassed upon my thoughts.

And I cried that I came
To this great stage of fools,
But it echoed loudly within me
Because I am hollow at the core.

That outward existence which conforms,
This inward life which questions
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece of.  

I don't exactly know
What I mean by that,
But I mean it.

“To Elizabeth, my precious Granddaughter.

‘I’ve traveled paths you’ve yet to walk,
Learned lessons old and new,
And now this wisdom of my life
I’m blessed to share with you.

Let kindness spread like sunshine,
Embrace those who are sad,
Respect their dignity
And give them joy,
And leave them feeling glad.

Forgive those who hurt you
And though you have your pride,
Listen closely to their viewpoint,
Try to see the other side.

Walk softly when you’re angry,
Try not to take offense,
Invoke your sense of humor,
Laughter’s power is immense.

Express what you are feeling,
Your beliefs you should uphold,
Don’t shy away from what is right,
Be courageous and be bold.

Keep hope right in your pocket,
It will guide you day by day,
Take it out when it is needed,
When it’s near you’ll find a way.

Remember friends and family,
Of which you are a precious part,
Love deeply and love truly,
Give freely of your heart.

The world is far from perfect,
There’s conflict and there’s strife,
But you can still make a difference,
By how you live your life.

And so I’m blessed to know
The wonders you will do
Because you are my grandchild
And I believe in you.’

-Love Always, Grandmom F”

When there's nothing to do,
I'm held captive by my mind.
It won't let me forget,
How you looked with tears in your eyes.
How I couldn't even say goodbye

You say you'll still be here,
But it won't be the same.
You said whatever I need,
But what I need is to be held.
I need to believe everything's okay.

I hope it kills you when you think of me.
Cuz you've made it hard to breathe.
Every car I hear,
I pray to God it's you.
Coming to say you need me too

You're confused
Well I am too
I feel so stupid
An idiot for you.
Here I am, head over heels.
And there you are,
Making me wish I couldn't feel.

I don't blame you,
I'm a medicated mess.
But the drugs can't clean this up,
They can't make it go away.
Stay
Stay
I need you to stay

My stomach feels sick
My lungs too heavy.
Cure me please,
I'm not one to beg.
Come back,
Please stay.

Its back,
And I wish I could say
For one night only,
But the forecast shows
A messy week ahead of me.

Every day
The sun will burn bright
And a cool wind will
Bite my cheeks.

Every night
The sun will set
Like God dropped a bowling ball
And storm clouds
Will come rolling in.

The thunder will be deafening
With no lightning
To illuminate the blackness.
The rain will come in
Big, heavy drops
All at once.

No gradual crescendo.
No calming patter on rooftops.
Only a roar at my window
That will ****** me
To open it.

In the rumble
I can hear a whisper
Begging me to open
The floodgates and let the rain
Come rushing into my room.

Let it rise
Up the walls
Until I'm kissing the ceiling
Then sink to my bed,
Feeling content with my efforts.

I wrap the covers
Around me and lay my head down,
Passive to the water
Filling my lungs.
Comfortable in my
Burial at sea.

Don't worry though,
My room is still dry
And the window is closed.
But the latches are loose
And I'm not quick to repair.

"Poor Yorick!",
His soul is saved.
Safe and sound,
In cold unbeing.

Cold unbeing,
For whom I am so hungry.
It's bitter tundra will fill me,
But my fire won't go out.

The burning won't stop,
And my ashes only gather.
There's something very wrong,
With a blistering winter.

Oh Yorick,
I envy.
Your sleep is undisturbed;
Where I am only tired.

You are bones,
And King Hamlet is a ghost.  
Floating like him and stagnant as you,
I cannot rest.

My sleep is disturbed.
Like the king, I can't find peace.
But like Yorick,
I am hollowed bones.

Sometimes I worry
I might do something crazy.

Sometimes I worry
That this loss has driven me mad.

Sometimes I think,
I should go for a walk.

I think, sometimes,
I should never eat again.

Sometimes I consider,
Crawling into your bed
And staining your sheets red.

Sometimes I wonder,
What would happen
If I turned up drunk on your doorstep?

It could be fun,
If I called your brother
Or your friends,
And told them everything you did
All your words that still ring in my head.

Maybe they could tell me
What really went wrong.

Some days it feels
Like the pain will leak from my ears
And tear a hole in my chest.

Every now and then,
The memories feel like dreams,
I fall into them
And out of reality.

Some nights feel so dark,
That I fear the sun has died,
Or that maybe you have taken it
Just to torture me again.

At work, sometimes,
I think I will get up and leave
And never come back.

I worry that if I see you,
I might snap.

Sometimes I think,
I should just go to sleep
Before I go rooting through cabinets
And wandering through streets.

The past few nights
Your touch has tantalized my mind.
The way you feel against me
Leaves me shaking
Unable to keep from crying.

Not because it hurts
Or because it burns me.
But because your touch is so sweet
I can't help but fear
That one day it will be ripped from my reach.

And this terror i feel
Is not your fault,
I have scars that still sting
And bruises that don't fade.

They remind of the ones who left them,
Who left me.
They remind me
That you could do the same.

I hate the ones who left them
And I hate myself for still feeling their pain.
And letting their pain grow evergreen
In my brain.

They cut me deep
And i cant stop the bleeding.
They cut me so deep
I felt it fitting
To cut myself too.

I hate that i'm like this.
I hate that i can't just let go
Of all the memories
That broke my heart repeatedly.

If you knew what i felt,
You wouldn't feel the same.
If you could see me right now
Ugly crying and gasping for air,
You'd want nothing to do with me.

You said you love me
But how do you know?
Would you still love me
If i told you that i can't sleep
With your memory so fresh in my head?

I know what you'd say,
Something about me having to work on it.
And i know that
I know that this anxiety is something
That only i can dispel.

But validation
reassurance
a tight embrace
would make it so much easier
for me to look at your face
and not feel my heart ripping itself to shreds.

So keep telling me you love me
Keep holding me close
Keep kissing me
Just tell me everything will be okay
even if its a lie
even if it'll only calm my tides for a day

Tell me all the things I want to hear,
Lie to me so I may rest easy.
I'll tell you you're the only one,
Than laugh about you when you're gone.
I push away your adoration and affection
Just to feel some power over my fickle heart.

Colorful creature, show me how to move
My envy drips from fingertips
When I watch you dance
It makes me laugh.

And you got such a pretty face,
The kind that could make angels cry.
Your eyes keep me up at night,
Thinking about how lovely it would be
If I was the one dancing behind them.
Baby do you think of me as much as I think of you?

The night captures my attention
When the sun forgets to shine.
We must learn to dance in graveyards,
To spin and twirl to the music of our madness.

Insanity so beautiful and easy,
So listen to your voices
And expel all your demons

That first night
You didn't touch me
You didn't kiss me
I thought you couldn't care less

Then you touched my waist
And kissed my lips
And I couldn't help
But come back for more

To be yours
Wasn't what I intended
To feel so alone without you
Was never the plan

You were supposed to be
A passing thought
A stitch for my broken heart
The kind that disolve
When no longer needed

How did you catch me
Like a mouse in a trap
I am small and weak
And you are all too enticing

Now I'm terrified
Losing my mind
Because I'm too familiar
With what happens
When my heart shows its passions

Baby please
Don't hurt me
I don't think I could take
Another fall
Not from a height so tall

Don't prove me
And my tragic mind right
I want nothing more
Than to see that famous light

The one that people are drawn to
The one that I thought I saw
But ended up being another
Deep dark black hole after all

I don't want to be so stupid
As to be hopeful again
But i can't help praying
This dream doesn't end

So baby
Don't hurt me
I'm much more fragile
Than I seem

Prone to bruising
And scarring
I might as well
Start tying my own noose

Because I know the truth
Of what is to come
But knowing won't make it
Hurt any less than I expect

Im begging you
Please
Don't drop me from
Your precious mind

Don't make me
Take my hands
And lose them in
My hair

Just keep me close
Pretend to care
When I cry
At least tell me
Things will be alright

I'm in over my head
But that's nothing new
And I should have known
Not to get too close to you

But here we are
And I need you to see
That I've accidentally
Given you the power
To **** me

Be mindful of your strength
And the way which words
Roll off your tongue
Because I'll take every one
As a sign of what is to come

Be gentle with me
Handle with care
Because I have a habit
Of caring too much
And I'm trying not to
I swear

I'm trying not to let you
And your beautiful face
Affect me so deeply
To strike me so true

But I'll pick up
On the tiny ways
Your voice will change
When you decide
I'm too much
And you've had enough

Don't hurt me
The way I imagine you will
I know you can see
The terror in me

So do your best
To **** me with ease
Make it fast
Make it painless
Make me want it

Do something so despicable
That I **** you instead
**** us

I know you won't
But I can only dream
It's the only way
To lessen the inevitable pain

Otherwise
Just hold me
Tight so I feel safe
Close so I can hear your heart
Hopefully it wants me
Just as mine wants to stay alive

Because I loved you once,
You will never die.
Isn’t that good enough?
My love has made you immortal.
Your memory is saved in the collective consciousness.
Thousands have read the details
Of how you have changed me,
How you took a child and turned her into
The heartbroken,
Brave but unsure woman I am today.

I loved you once,
Now you will never die
Because you live in my words
And my words will live eternally.
I have given you the gift
So many tragic heroes die searching for
And you are ungrateful.
How dare you return,
Again and again
Asking for more?

Isn’t it enough?
For me to have loved you once
With rage
With lust
With young pain
And eagerness.
I loved you like only a child can love,
And I am not a child anymore.

Is it selfishness or selflessness
That keeps you by my side?
Is it love or fear
That keeps you at my doorstep?
Has your immortality filled you with hubris.
Made you brave
But only at my fault?
Have I created a monster with my words
With my love
With my pain?

The realization stings.
The recalling of my place in this world
Knocks me to the ground
And spits in my face.
It’s icy breath freezes me where I lay.

I remain still as they close in around me,
My friends.
My friends with strong arms,
Deep whispering voices,
Groping hands,
And free drinks.

They make me laugh,
They coax stories out of my mouth
To make room for themselves.
They bait my trust with jokes and gifts.
And once they capture my confidence,
They reach for my body.

But I swear my lips are bitter,
My hair is a thicket of thorns,
And my skin is made of broken glass.
Of course this is a lie.
A lie I wish I could squeeze reality out of.

And so I squeeze anyway
But the truth that flows with ease
Cuts me with joyous violence.
It fills me with poison
And drags my delirious body into its bed
Where it smacks me until my eyes light up with stars.
It strangles me until consciousness begins to slip away.

But ******* a dead girl isn’t as fun
As it sounds.
So he lets me breathe just enough
To let an apology form out of my bruised throat.

And when the truth is done
He’ll leave me out to bleed.
Out in the open for his friends to take a turn.

And they’ll do it again and again and again.
In the back of the art room in a middle school,
In the general admission section of a metal show,
In their twin bed,
In mine,
In the back of a car parked in a field,
At work,
In the bathroom at my friend’s house.

They’ll do it again and again and again

i lost the words
i lost my will to speak
to divulge my mind
i can't scream the truths
that i once was so ready to exile
to the world
no longer allowed inside me

but i still have the red hands
the blood dripping from my finger tips
i still wish to take this blood
and make ink
and make it into peacefully profound truth

i'm so full with things to say
but these words can only come from my eyes
my mouth
my hands
they're useless now and i can't find a reason
the only way to even have a touch of solace
to let the blood red run down my cheeks
to let the red stain my skin
making it so painfully clear
that i'm still full of words
that i can't speak

I know I should be sorry
I know I should feel bad
Because here I am doing the thing
I said I'd never do again.

I said I wouldn't hurt myself
But that's been ******* all along.
The only thing that kept me clean
Was knowing that if I slipped
I'd be hurting more than just me.

But now I'm sitting here
Like I have so many times
Tearing at my skin
For a glimpse
Of sweet relief.

In the grand scheme of things
A few small scrapes
Doesn't make a difference.
It's nothing dangerous
And it's not hurting anyone
It's just a way for me to silence
The monsters in me.

I don't care anymore
About taking care of me
I'll do what I want
Even if it kills me.
I'll do what I want
Even if it means
ruining nine months
Of a fleeting fantasy

My obsession began when I was a child.
Maybe it arose from a curiosity about the past,
My resolution that I would never be satisfied with a normal life.

Because what do we remember?
Not the mundane,
Not the simple,
And not the typical.

History has showed me what we all find to be valuable,
And its not a desk job
A suburban townhouse
Or some dissociative pursuit of a vague happiness.

It values
Struggle,
Beauty,
Revolution,
Creation,
Exploration.

I will refuse to become forgettable.
But I feel like I'm running out of time to become anything else.
What a waste of a mind and body to do nothing of significance.
But it's true, my mind and body are weak.

But I'm trying to drag myself onto this stage
In hopes of giving a performance to remember.

All I want is to be loved
But I can never seem to get enough.

I lay here alone
Wondering still
Why I have this trench
That nothing can fill?

I search for what I want
And I think it is found
But when darkness falls
I can't hear a sound.

No "I love you" 's,
No reassuring words
No utterance of peace
And, my god, it hurts.

I just want to feel
Like everything's okay
Like I don't have to die
At the end of every day.

What am I missing?
What else do I need,
To finally silence
My endless plea?

I'm begging again
Just to know someone cares.
I need some security
Because I'm constantly scared.

No more sweet nothings,
No romancing kiss.
Where is the love
That I so dearly miss?

Can't you see me dying
For your cathartic embrace?
Can't you see the pain
Written on my face?

I'm a fragile soul,
And I hate that I'm this way
Because I need you always
I need you to stay.

I wish I didn't care
I wish my heart was dead
But after being beaten and broken
It searches for life instead.

I want to be happy
And I want to be free.
I don't want to drown
In this dark lonely sea.

But the waves are all around
And tide is pulling me under.
This storm is so strong
I am deafened by thunder.

I've been fighting it all
For what feels like a thousand years
But it's just my luck
That the sea grow deeper with my tears.

But I can't stop crying
I couldn't if I tried.
I couldn't if my stupid heart stopped
And I finally died.

I'll create oceans from my grave
And the earth will drown,
All because I lived my life
With an eternal frown.

The water will rise
And fill in slowly.
This is my revenge on earth
For leaving me lonely.

Even after the flood
My heart won't stop beating
And it won't forget the love
That it will not stop needing.

How sorry I will be
That I have killed you all.
I will be so sorry
That I will continue to bawl.

So someone please love me
Like I need to be loved
Before the earth is doomed
By my broken hearted gloom.

I fell too hard
Too fast.
Now I'm left with this haunting emptiness.
You filled every crack in my bones
And every dark corner of my being
Until I was finally whole.
For the first time in my life.
And that has terrified me to no end.
I won't let myself be fooled by your
Unforgiving love.
So I'll throw it away
Before you can take it back.
It seems illogical
But to hurt myself won't be nearly as bad
As you hurting me.
Maybe I just need distance
Maybe I just need time.
Because I've never had a love like this
So true and terrifying.
My head doesn't know what to think.
The only thing I can do is
Run.

I know it's wrong
To carry on like this.
But now that I have seen you again,
In ways that were too intricate
For me to unwind as a child,
And the love that i've come to know mundanely well
Is few and far,
I can't seem to keep you at arms length.
Because my arms are selfish
And my self-denial is anything but denial.

Maybe it's just a symptom of this pandemic.
My isolation has always
Brought me back to you.
And it could be wrong.
I could be leading you to the pyre,
Following blindly with a torch in hand.

Are you willing to be a martyr
For my narcissism?
A sacrifice to my selfish indulgence
Of another's attention?
But I know your blindness,
Your readiness to burn with a smile
As long as I lit the fire.

You're worth more than my oscillating indecisiveness.
You're a steady pillar
Holding up my contingency plans.
When will you crumble
And let me face the world
With true uncertainty?

As long as I have you,
I will always have something to be certain of.

Funny little thing is she,
She laughs at lightning in the storm.
And what most would see as torture,
She inflicts with pride and is not scared.
Her skin is sharp like broken glass,
And through her lover’s skin she tore.

Through her safest home she tore.
Stupid little girl is she.
They try to mend her broken glass
But the edges cause destruction of a storm.
Please don’t run, don’t be scared,
Don’t be a part of her torture.

Running love is her only torture,
Not pain that through her heart tore.
Distance leaves her crying scared,
Unable to control the fear in her.
Maybe she is the rain in the storm,
Shattering passing window glass.

Maybe she doesn’t mind the glass,
She doesn’t think this is torture.
And maybe it’s not a storm,
But a hurricane she tore
Out of her skin. She
Is no longer scared.

The distance does not make her scared.
Her skin is no longer broken glass.
Alive little girl is she.
Nothing more will be her torture.
She doesn’t need the lover she tore.
No longer does she hide from the storm.

Not sunny skies, but no more storm.
Not yet calm, but at least not scared.
Not yet healed, but not torn.
Maybe cracked, but not broken glass.
Some discomfort, but it doesn’t feel like torture.
Strong little girl is she.

Screaming insanely she tore herself out of this storm.
No one will say “she’s gonna lose it”. Because she somehow she is not scared.
It’s a mystery how she fixed her glass, or how she can still tolerate the torture.

My teacher told us to draw
A place where we feel safe
I drew myself in your arms.

I'm toxic,
And you're too close.
You're closing in,
On a dangerous thing.
Bring a shield,
Or some protective gear,
Because my radiation
Has a radius of countless miles.

You're diving in,
To the deepest parts of me.
And I'm scared you'll leave.
Everyone runs,
When they see that I'm ****** up.
But I'm hoping you'll stay,
If only for just one more day.

You've heard the distant shots
Of war.
But I'm hesitant
To show you my wounds.
The scars I collected,
They're a terrible sight.
But I'm addicted to war,
Like a traumatically stressed warrior.

To be scared,
It keeps me alive.
To fear my own mind.
To worry I might die.
This is how I survive.
What a way to live,
On the edge of falling words.

But I need to feel the burn,
The stinging sensation.
Keeping quiet,
Keeps me busy.
Fire keeps me on my feet.
Running in circles,
The tiring race
Is better than defeat.

helping myself
with the help of some helpful voices
helping me live
to breathe with some assistance

fill my lungs
the taste of your air
will serve as a substitute
until i can stand again

fill my ears with deafening sound
swim in my veins and fix me
cure me of malaise
soothe my aching bones

help me help myself
help me help myself
help me help the lonely
help me help the ones like me

I keep trying to bring myself back
From wherever my mind is
And put myself back in my body,
Back in this world.
But it doesn't seem to be working.

I wander outside
And name everything
I can see or hear.
In an attempt to make some connection
To the physical world around me.
But I can't.

I run my fingers through grass,
Study leaves closely,
Stick my hands in frigid water,
But still nothing is able
To bring my mind out of the hole
It's fallen into.

Talking to someone,
Being around people,
Maybe that would force me out
Of my mind and into real life.
It's a shame I'm so alone though.

The only other thing
I can think of
That could maybe help me
Reconnect with reality
Would bring more disturbance
To my already distressed state.

But it's so tempting

I feel it radiating in my finger tips
While a terror-stricken quiver
Turns in my stomach
And ascends to my throat
Until dread comes coursing out of my mouth
And shame soaks my cheeks.

Sometimes it seems
That I’m made of glass
And the resonant frequency
Of my foreboding observations
Is enough to make me fracture,
Sending broken pieces flying.

Now, my love I hope you know
That I’m doing everything in my power
To keep all my pieces together.
But doctors, pills, paintbrushes, and extra employment
Are not a substitute for your love.

It’s absence leaves a crack in my foundation
That nothing else can repair.
It’s shape, it’s depth
Are as exceptional as you.
So what crawls out of that cavern
Is a monster of seclusion,
Come to torture me with worry.

I had hoped that your love could reach me
From an ocean away.
I hoped that the fissure would not form,
And your love would not follow you
Across the sea.
But it has
And I’m splintering into ugly, pathetic pieces.

I know I require more than most,
But I know that what I require exists out there
In someone eager to give it,
Joyfully, lovingly.
You promised to be that someone
But your promises take no shape
Except for in the letters
From which they are spelled.

So I will not keep begging for your love,
I will not keep letting your insufficient affection
Lead me to the edge of delirium.
I will not continue to weep
Over the inconsideration you have given me.

I know that what I require is out there
Bursting from someone
Who cannot help but to love me
In exactly the way I need to be loved.

I roll up my skirt
And carve silence into my skin.
My foot on the gas,
I close my eyes
And let the noise trickle out of me.

Up on the hill,
I lay drunk among the headstones,
Crying into darkness
Until I fall asleep on a pillow of hyacinth.

I find comfort with the dead.
Here, my tears soak into the earth
That cradles their bones
And I imagine that the hurt they carry
Is laid to rest just the same.

The rows of past lovers, sisters, and friends
Emit a quiet understanding.
They remind me that this oscillating ache
Will one day return to the dirt.
My torment is just as temporary as my joy,
Which is as transient as all things.

Though the veil of suffering will lift,
It is only a matter of time before it falls again.
And knowing that respite will arrive
Does not bring it to me any sooner.

So I will scream and beg
For even a moment of solace.
My fists pound the grass
And I writhe in my agony,
Knowing that I look like a child.

But my fictional family
That lie six feet beneath me
Reach up their phantom arms
And embrace me with a kind of love
That can only be found in the delusions
That I fabricate to comfort myself.

Their grasp keeps me from joining them
In their graves
And lifts me to stumble home in the dark.

Shrink yourself
Oh she's fading away
Hold her bones together
As the movies play

When a diet becomes an addiction
I felt myself give in
My mind was hooked on these
Skinny thoughts

Bones dance in my dreams
And I couldn't be shaken awake
Yes I'll be skinny like the others
Beautiful like I want

But there's nothing beautiful
About your hair falling out
And passing out and hitting your head
And freezing in the summer
And constantly falling asleep

There's nothing cute about
***** in your hair
And on your clothes
****** noses
And aching bones

Nothing glamorous behind that bathroom door
Just a stupid girl
With her head stuck half way down the pipes

My heart betrayed my mind
When it paralyzed me.
When I climbed into your bed
And you did that thing you always did.
When you fell asleep like you’d never really been awake,
You turned your back to me
And in your dreaming
Cut all the strings I’ve been trying to tie to you.

My heart betrayed my mind
When it paralyzed me.
When rather than getting up
And taking my knots with me,
It kept me there in your bed.
It kept me still as silent tears
Soaked your pillow and sheets.

My heart betrayed me every night,
Every time I let you touch me
With lust and with violence.
Every time I let you call me what you called me
And strangle me with your pieced together
Patchwork words.

Even when I left you,
My heart betrayed me when it made me say
I’m Sorry.

I cannot explain
The dullness that has invaded
My tired brain.
I don't know why
I don't want to try
To do the things
I know I should.

I can't be bothered
With questions about
The future
About the world around me
Because finding the answers
Requires much more energy
Than I have to offer.

How do I learn
How do I grow
With this incessant
Low hum
Ringing throughout my body?
There's no ignoring it.

I'm a slave
To my unnecessary pain.
And I hate being too weak
Too busy
Too apathetic
To fight this depression.

All I can do is laugh
And keep pushing,
Hoping that one day
I will wake up with the power
To do something about
The sadness that keeps me
From everything I have yet to reach.

For now,
I'm so sorry
That my anxiety
And my sadness
Make me stagnant
In the face of truth.

I'm so sorry
That I feel the need to
Appologize for the way I am.
But the way I am
Is not the way I want to be.

I'm smarter than
Most people i know,
But i've been cursed
With the ability to
Feel.

I have a multitude of thoughts
Being triggered every second.
Each with their own
Unique emotion.

I feel each one vividly,
And with amazing depth
Creating a storm in my head
Impossible to ignore.

My storm of emotions
Grows so strong,
It prevents the simultaneous thoughts
From being articulated
Or understood.

I can confuse myself,
And break my own heart
Because of the complexity
Of my mind.
An astounding talent, really.

My dad says I'm smart,
Too smart for my own good.
And he's probably right.

What good is a brain,
When your heart makes all the decisions?

Today is the first bitterly cold day of winter.
With a high of thirty,
I bundle myself up for my morning drive.
Puffer jacket, hat, scarf, gloves.

In the car, I wonder if its this cold in London.
I wonder if you're wearing the plaid, wool jacket
Or the black puffer.
Neither are long enough,
So I worry if your legs are cold.

Does this weather make you miss home?
Does it remind you of all those sad country songs
That you love to listen to around a fire?
The kind that sound better
When they unfold in clouds of frozen breath?

Are you still smoking cigarettes?
Is it becoming a hassle to take breaks in the cold?
It is for me.
But since you left,
I've needed them as much as I need you.
I wonder if we ever shiver in the cold at the same time.

So I wrap myself up to brave the cold,
And warm my lungs on the vice
I tried to rid you of.
Not only did I fail,
But i've picked up the distilled poison for myself.

Funny how you do that.
Taking my hopes
And turning them into a regressive addiction.
I can't be the first
You've had this affect on.

So tell me, is it cold in London?